Magandang Arau! ^.^


U must be thinking, what the hell does that mean? Actually it just simply means: good day, one of the way for the Philippines to greet each other. So, Magandang Arau everyone!! :)

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Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Another Nightmare!

Last night, for the second time of this year, I had a nightmare of being in war. It's normal when people dream about ghosts or losing their loved ones or met an accident or died for unknown reason. But it's not normal to dream about being in a war, at least for me, because I have never even experienced once! It was scary. Just for your information, I'm not into watching movies or drama involving war. I do watch but it's not on the top of my movie-to-watch list. If it's on TV and everybody else is watching it or I have nothing else to watch, then I'll watch. That's about it. I read a lot of Nicholas Sparks' books and the characters in his books are usually soldiers but the last time I read Nicholas Sparks' books was early this year. So I don't know why do I have this nightmare when I don't usually dream!

The first dream I had about this war was last month, which is October. It was scary. We were attacked by a large numbers of soldiers. They were cruel. They shot everybody around. I saw people dying right in front of my eyes. I ran, I hid. I got into this place and all of us were women. We looked at each other with a sad look but we didn't cry. In fact, nobody actually cried. I knew none of them. It was dark. In the middle of us was this huge crashed plane. We were looking for anything in and out the plane. I don't even know what we were looking for. Maybe food, maybe other victims, maybe things that can help us to defend ourselves. I just don't know. Then, suddenly I heard a loud sound of shotguns. Right at that moment, I knew we were all going to die. They found us. Then, I heard voices. They were shouting at each other to kill anyone in sight. I started to cry. Suddenly, I saw a very loud sound. I almost couldn't hear anything after that. Then, I saw this one lady right in front of me fell down. She was shot. And she was right in front of me. I could have died. I was the one who was supposed to die. My knee then felt so weak. I fell down and the shock was all over me. I couldn't do anything. After that, it started to be silent. The captain was telling the rest to check if there's anyone who survived. Do you know how they checked us? They hit us with their weaponry as hard as they could. That time, I knew, if I don't pretend that I'd died, they will kill me straight away. I had no choice. I got to act like I'm a dead body. I was so scared. I don't know whether I could do this. I closed my eyes. My heart was pumping so fast, so loud, I thought the soldiers will hear it out. I could hear their footsteps. And it's nearing me. I was shaking. To my relief, they were called up by their captain right at the moment when this one soldier was standing next to me. I can feel my hair was stepped on. They left and I woke up. I woke up almost crying and my body was sweating. It was scary. Even right at this moment, as I write this post, I am actually crying. I still remember how I felt when I was in that dream. I started to think about those people who were actually in war. I bet they will have a never-ending nightmares. God, bless them. :'(

Then, last night. Another dream about war. However, this time, it's a short one. I was in this village. Again, I know none of them. We were celebrating I don't know what but it seemed like people are attacking our place but before they reached our place where we stayed, they left. So we were celebrating because we thought they'll never come back. But we were wrong. They were delayed because they were preparing for even a greater destruction. That particular night, they came back. They were everywhere. There was this one man and his little boy of around three or four years old sitting on a bench. The soldiers threw a grenade at them. I don't know why the father didn't run away or at least try to save himself and his little boy. I couldn't see both of them die so I ran and pick up the little boy. I ran as fast as I could and the father died right in front of our eyes. The little boy was crying calling for his dad. I cried too. I hugged him. He tried so hard to go off me but I can't let him go. I can't let him die too, at least not before me. I took him away from that place. We found a hiding place but he kept crying. I told him to stop or else the soldiers will find us too. But he wouldn't stop. Then I woke up. Another nightmare. :'(

O God, please bless our country. I don't want to experience this in real life. Having it in my dreams are already traumatizing. I don't think I can handle it. Bless us, O my merciful Lord. Amen. :'(

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Life?

Recently, so many cases of crime. People killing, peoply dying. Some fell sick. Ill. Some got cancer. Some didn't survive. Some are still fighting. But one common thing I can see in them is that they want to live. They try their best to fight. They want their life back. They fell but still they try to stand on their weak feet. They cry but it didn't stop them from fighting. All because they want to live.

It makes me feel terrible. Makes me feel sick. Makes me feel awful, shameful. Why? Because I am young and healthy and yet I am trying so many times to end my beautiful life. Thinking that these problems I am facing is the biggest of all. I forgot those people who actually fight to get back their life. I was being so selfish, trying so hard to throw away my life when others are crying because they are losing it.

I need to wake up. I need to start seeing this world as a better place. A beautiful world I used to see. A peaceful world created by God. Yes, Lala. It's time for you to wake up. It is not the end of the world, YET. There are reasons why things happen the way it is now. Maybe you won't see it now. Maybe you can't see it now. But you WILL. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next year, but you will Lala. Trust Him. He knows best. Our God knows best. Just trust Him, okay?

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Why?

Sometimes I wonder,
Why is it hard to speak out the truth?
Why is it difficult to tell lies?
Why is it hard to understand others?
Why is it difficult to read what's in people's minds?
Shouldn't it be easy?
To say 'yes' when you want to say 'yes'?
To say 'no' when you want to say 'no'?
To say out what you want when you want to say it?
To lie to others just to please them?

Too bad,
it's not as simple as ABC,
not as simple as 123,
not as simple as you and me.

Why can't we make it simple?
Why can't we make it easy?
Why can't we live like how we want it to be?

So, anything new?

Haven't write in a while. I have so many things to write about but you see once you want to blog about something, you have to do it right when you have that feeling to write. Only bloggers understand that. It's like you have an idea to write about something and you need to write about it right at that particular moment, or else you will never bother to write about it anymore. So, yes, that's what I'm facing right about now. Ahahahaha

Anyway, it's exam time and this semester I couldn't bother any more. I really want to score, want to do my very best, but my motivation is gone, I supposed. I mean, I used to have this vision of my life; to study, to have a good job, to travel, to know about the world more, and there's so much more in life that I need to discover. There is MORE to life. And I want to know more. But I don't think I can achieve those visions anymore. I can say that my life now has been arranged by others and maybe by me as well. I don't know. All I know is that I feel like I'm living someone else's life right now. I don't know who I am anymore. I'm lost in my own life. Waking up everyday to questions from the inside of me asking 'who are you?', 'what are you doing to Lala's life?', 'how long will you be controlling her life?' Those questions make me cry sometimes. I'm starting to think that I've gone crazy. Sigh. I need a doctor.

Every now and then I wish that I can actually tell someone what problems am I facing. But I just can't. They will never understand. They can't do anything anyway. The only thing they will do is judging. They are very good in judging. They see themselves as God; thinking they know everything, that they are always right. They didn't see the pains others are experiencing. In the end, it's always between me and God. I'll be crying and crying and crying seeking comfort from Him. I don't know, I just felt something is missing. Maybe I'm not that sincere enough. I really don't know..

Or maybe it's because it's you I'm missing. It's you I've been looking for. Maybe it's you. Just maybe.. :'(