Apologize.

For the first time after a month, my dad actually said something about my argument with my sister. Today morning as he dropped me off to school, he asked me to apologize. I was quite hurt. I mean he knows what I have been through with her, those arguments before this that I have let her pass, semua yang aku sudah maafkan ad pretended like it didn't happen and those yang aku maafkan though I myself was already so broken inside. So the only thing I was able to say was no. I told him I am hurt enough, I am broken enough, and I am not going to apologize anymore for things that I have done no wrong. She has never take me as one of her sisters. I was left alone for so many times. I have been patient for so many years. I won't take this no more. No more negativity in my life. I'd rather spend my days alone loving myself than spend my days with everybody else, unloved.

She might have forgotten the day she left me the night before Christmas. She might have forgotten that I was invited to our friend's party last time. She might have forgotten that I worked my ass off to get all the things I have. She might have forgotten that I was left hanging and abandoned by my fiance. And I have no intention to remind her all that. Yet, she condemned me as if I was the worst person on earth. I have never asks her money nor have I done any damage in her life. So I owe her nothing. I know she's been through a difficult life ever since her husband passed away. And I was there for her, didn't I? Trying my best to help her in everything she needs. But she's been treating me this way years before and now that it's getting worse, I just can't take it anymore.

But I love my dad. I love him. Truly. He is always there to listen to my cry. I heard his voice cracking when he replied to my no, 'aku tau. Tapi ni bukan apa yang I taught all my daughters. Minta maaf sja la sama dia..'. Dad, I know you pity her sebab she is a single mother now. But being in a tough situation doesn't give anyone the right to bitch around. Sigh.. this is just difficult. Don't worry dad, a few more days more and I'll go. Sebab aku, she won't come to any family party. Sebab aku, mom is not sleeping in the house at night anymore. Sebab aku, it's difficult for my parents to see their granddaughter. So no worries. I'll leave. Just give me a few days more to complete my fucking semester. You see, 'it is far better to endure patiently a smart which nobody feels but yourself, than to commit a hasty action whose evil consequences will extend to all connected with you' (Charlotte Bronte, 1847). It is really true. I mean, kalau kepergian aku boleh bagi diorang semua kelegaan, then aku rela sakit sendiri. I love my dad too much to make him feel bad about all this. She needs my family more. She is alone. Me? I am already used to being independent. So no worries about me.

Sudah la, malas sudah aku fikir. Last last aku juga mengalah kan. Hahaha trep trep ja kunun kuat, nda mau mengalah first first tapi in the end mengalah juga. Lari juga. So me. Haha