Missing them.

A warning to my readers, this post is gonna be an emotional one so I recommend you to skip this post if you are not interested in reading it. I don't wanna waste your time, you see. Aren't I a good person? Ahahaha ^.^

While I was scrolling my news feed on Facebook, I stumbled upon a few pictures uploaded by my sister. Pictures of my family, celebrating Chinese New Year. And I started to cry. I know it is stupid but I cried anyway. I guess I'm just jealous for I couldn't be there with my family when everybody is there. Well, it's partly my fault. I was the one who decided not to go back. I was the one who refused to go back. I was the one who stayed away from my family. But I have my reasons. My very own reasons.

My presence may not mean anything to them but their presence means everything to me. I really wish those arguments, misunderstandings, between me and my sisters had never happened. It makes me feel sick whenever I think of it. It kills my desire to go back to my family. It ruins my hope to have a big, happy family.  It tears my heart to pieces. It breaks my soul. Yes, it did. I left because I want them to feel happy. Well, they do look really happy in the pictures. I don't think I ever had the chance to take a picture with all my family members if it's not in a studio. That's why I said earlier that my presence may not mean anything to them. As long as they are happy, then I guess I'll be okay here. Even if that means away from them. You see, what's the point of being near to your loved ones but not seeing them happy? It's better to be away from your loved ones and to know that they are happy without you. Far much better.

I remembered the morning my dad called, wanting me to go back. I cried while I was on the phone and tried my best to hide it. It was difficult but I made it. I really wanted to go back but thinking of all those tough moments when I had the arguments with my sisters, I just couldn't afford to go back. It was really painful. I don't want to experience the same thing again. I love them so much that arguing with them hurts me more than words can express. I can't do it. I love my dad, I love my mom, I love my sisters, I love them all. I just... Sigh. I know I gotta be strong. But if this is life, I think I'm giving it up. I'm tired. Really really tired.

My Happy Family :)