Mangasok.

What is mangasok? It is a Dusun word for seeding, particularly paddy. I spent my last weekend at my uncle's mangasok. It was my first experience and though it was tiring, I had real fun. That weekend, I did not only learn mangasok but I also learnt a lot about life.

While I was complaining, countless of time, about how difficult and terrible my life was, I realized others have even tougher life. I heard my uncle talked about the land they have been living since they were kids is going to be taken away by some heartless companies. He said no one wanted to help them and they just don't know what else to do. They were also told that court order will be out very soon. Uncle cakap lagi, dia bukan mau defend tanah dia ja, tapi tanah orang kampung lain juga. The problem is orang kampung lain takut sebab the lawyer told them that it is better for them to give up their land now as they will be given a sum of money to replace the land (not that much) but it is (kononnya) better than to have nothing later on.

You see, orang kampung have been living all their life there. Too bad, diorang tiada geran. So it is so difficult to win this case (based on my personal opinion). Tapi uncle cakap, tanah tu sudah diberikan sejak selepas penjajahan British lagi dan hak diorang tidak patut diambil so they are trying to fight over it. However, this doesn't sound that strong (to me, at least). Diorang cakap, the saddest part was even the politician yang sepatutnya tolong diorang (as the people have voted him) pun nda mau tolong. He said he can't do anything. But the funny part was, the politician was seen on the newspapers 'trying to help orang Lahad Datu to save their land'. Aunt aku memang marah. Ya la, orang kampung sendiri nda mau tolong, tapi rajin pula p sampai Lahad Datu 'tolong orang'. Choiiiiii!! Orang memang macamni. I've learnt about this since forever. Yang bukan family punya semangat mau tolong, yang family dibiar kelaparan. Sama seperti our own country. Pelarian dari negara luar dibagi pekerjaan, rakyat sendiri jadi apa? Sigh..

Anyway on that weekend, I also learnt about family. Turned out, my uncle and his siblings had an argument before this. So my uncle apologized publicly to all of them and said that his ego was the cause of all that has happened. I automatically remembered about the argument I had with my sister. At that time, I knew I had to make it right by meeting her face to face. Tapi kita cuma merancang kan? Back at home, I heard another story. Turned out, all my other sisters knew about our argument and most of them despised me. They were upset. So in the story, I was wrong. In every way. Terus patah hati buat ke sekian kalinya. Right then, I knew, I really had to leave. It's not an option, it's a must. I mean, obviously, they didn't want me here. They are not comfortable with my presence so why bother? I'm looking for every reason to stay and they are giving me every reason to leave. I love them and looking at them torn apart between me and her (actually nda pun, diorang mmg closer with her), I just can't. Every night my mom will be sleeping at her's and my dad will be sleeping with my younger bro. Like, what have I done to the family? Sigh, time please fly. I can't stand it anymore. The guilt for destroying my own family is far too great.

"The sharp knife of a short life,

Well, I've just had enough time"