Moved Out.

Came back home, I didn't see her car there. So I asked my dad, where is she? My dad didn't even look at me and he replied, 'ndatau la apa masalah. She moved out today morning'. So I replied, 'oh, sebab kami gaduh'. Based on daddy punya muka, I knew, she told him what happened. I just don't know how far she's telling the truth.

I mean, benda semua ni, pasal what I have written in my previous entry was actually happening since the last few years. Cuma it exploded last Saturday. I just couldn't handled it anymore. She's been talking behind my back to my mom whenever I wasn't around and I knew this from my other sisters. Cuma aku malas mau cakap. Aku letak tepi ja. But on that Saturday, I just exploded.

I went to the kitchen and my mom was there and even she didn't look at me. I remembered when we had our first huge argument last two years, we argued because she left me at Sandakan when she promised to go back together with me. She went back, told my mom that she went back alone because I didn't want to go back, when in fact I wanted to go back but she asked me to stay for a while. I was so pissed. I mean how could you leave your sis the day before Christmas Eve, all alone? Expecting me to celebrate Christmas Eve all by myself? Honestly, I guess that's why Christmas means nothing to me anymore since that year. So I wonder, what did she tell our parents this time? Aku malaslah mau kasi clear the air. Kalau diorang mau tau dari mulutku sendiri, they'll ask. If not, then I won't bother either.

So she moved out with her baby. I bet my parents are crazily worried about her because then she'll be living alone with her baby. Sigh. Each time I came back home, I'll argue with her or with my younger sis. I really don't feel belong here. I mean they were a happy family without me these past few years. They never had any problem. So I guess the problem is just with me. Sebab I'm not always home so they are already too used to it. Sabarlah semua, habis ja benda intern ni di Sabah, I'll go. I mean, what's the point of being 'home' if you don't feel like 'home'?. What's the point of being here when no one wants you here? Seriously. Aku, prinsip hidup aku senang. Kalau hidup menyusahkan orang, then don't bother living. Sebab aku, my parents didn't get to see their granddaughter. Sabar ya, nanti aku chow. Dua bulan ja lagi.

Muka putih, hati hitam.

Aku pantang bila ditegur pasal pengurusan wang. Kenapa? Sebab aku bukan jenis yang meminta. Cuma bila betul-betul perlu, baru aku minta. Kalau sudah tiada duit, baru aku minta. Selagi aku boleh berdikari, aku berdikari.Tapi aku selalu ja dengar mulut-mulut sumbang yang cakap aku manja, boros, suka hati minta duit. Kau nda berada dalam situasi ku jadi jangan cakap.

Hanya sebab kononnya dia nampak aku post gambar ku di media sosial memakai baju yang berbeza-beza, aku dia label sebagai boros. Padahal aku jarang sekali beli pakaian baru. Kalau beli pun bukan yang berjenama macam dia sebab aku tau kemampuan aku. Pakaian, ku, barang-barang aku, kebanyakannya orang lain bagi. Baju kurung, T-shirt, kasut sukan, seluar, you name it. Ada yang lecturer bagi, ada yang kawan bagi, ada yang guru sekolah bagi, ada yang boss bagi. Tu lah, suka berprasangka buruk pasal orang. Hati bila hitam kita buat cmna sekali pun yang buruk juga dia nampak.

Lepastu bising cakap aku kaya. Elaun RM595 sebulan. Choiii.. Kau dulu study duduk dalam asrama. Transport pun nda perlu, boyfriend pula kaya, elaun kau jauh lebih tinggi daripada aku. Aku? Aku duduk luar, kena sewa rumah, ada transport, mana kayanya? Tapi part ni memang aku silap. Sebab aku duduk luar. Apa boleh buat. Dulu ingatkan aku sudah ada rumah untuk tinggal bersama kononnya bakal suami, tapi jodoh nda panjang, mau buat cmna. He left and it's not like I can easily move in maktab balik. Ya, memang aku salah menilai lelaki. Yang itu aku kena akui. Lepastu bising lagi cakap yang aku 'mau sangat ada kereta'. Tolong lah. Aku memang perlu kereta. Kau expect aku g skolah pakai apa? Basikal? Kau ingat jarak dari Tambun p Kampar berapa? 5km? Aku pernah cycle dari Kampar balik Ipoh. Tu pun ambik masa 2 jam lebih. Jadi kau expect aku p mengajar bawa ABM cycle 2 jam lebih setiap awal pagi then balik petang? Sudah ada transport mestilah mau pakai petrol. Petrol satu hal, maintenance lagi satu hal. Masa aku perlu semua tu, aku minta idea daripada family, ada ka yang mau bantu? Last last I had to crack my own head utuk selesaikan this problem? Kau ada tanya cmna aku solved? Tiada.

Bila tayar aku meletup, enjin nda mau hidup, wiring masalah, bumbung kereta nda mau tutup, roadtax kena bayar, ada aku minta kau duit? Ada aku minta duit parents? TIADA. Kau ingat benda tu murah? Ribu kena pakai. Aku ikut perut sebab perlu pakai duit, aku tebalkan muka pinjam duit sana sini, aku jual barang-barang yang mana dapat jual. Yang tu ada kau nampak> Ada kau fikir? Tiada.

Aku balik sini kau ingat tiada kos? Hantar barang semua free? Kau ingat barang aku selama 6 tahun duduk di perantauan ni sikit? Sehelai sepinggang? Apa kau ingat kos hantar kereta balik sepuluh sen? Ale utoh! Benda tu semua ada aku minta duit parents? TIADA. Aku jual lagi barang aku, aku pinjam lagi duit orang sebab aku ndamau susahkan family. Tapi ada kau tanya? Kau langsung nda tanya cmna aku angkut segala barang tapi ko senang lenang cakap aku boros. Seriously, kau nda akan faham sebab kau kaya. Kereta pun nda perlu bayar, ada gaji sendiri, ada lagi duit dari kebun, tinggals ama family. Duit beribu di poket, rilek la kan mau cakap orang. Aku selalu tolong orang bukan sebab aku banyak duit, tapi sebab I know how it feels like to have nothing. Bila aku ada setakat RM3 di dompet, aku ingat lagi, aku tetap belanja kawan aku roti sebab dia sudah langsung tiada duit. Kau nda pernah kerja McD macam aku, berbasikal dari maktab ke tempat kerja. Kau nda pernah kerja Starbucks macam aku. Kau nda pernah ajar tuition macam aku. Kau nda pernah kerja driver macam aku. Kau nda pernah merasa kehilangan weekend macam aku sebab aku kerja dari Isnin sampai Ahad. Sampai orang tegur, 'kau tiada life ka, Lala?' Orang cakap kononnya kagum dengan aku sebab berdikari tapi nampaknya diorang ja boleh nampak semua usaha aku tu. So aku memang rasa kau nda layak mau cakap pasal aku. Kau nda pernah jadi vegetarian berbulan lamanya sebab duit kau nda cukup makan. Kau kurus sebab ko diet, aku kurus sebab duit makan nda cukup. Nampak beza kita di situ?

Ingatkan bila balik hometown, senang la sikit. Boleh bermanja dengan family lepas 6 tahun duduk di perantauan. Tapi to be honest, I wanted to stay in West Malaysia instead haritu. Tapi daddy suruh balik. Kalau nda, nda juga kau menyampah tengok muka aku kan? Rasa macam mau move out ja. Berdikari like how I used to. Sakit hati dengar komplen yang 'kaya bha ko ni, belilah makanan sendiri, barang sendiri'. Uinah, aku aminkan ayat kau. Satu hari, beb. Satu hari. Habis ja belajar, aku akan cepat-cepat cari kerja. Cari duit makan sendiri. Kau tunggu. Cuma ingat, semua benda ni duniawi. Bila-bila Tuhan mau ambil hak Dia, Dia akan ambil. Jangan riak mengata orang. Yang aku tau, aku akan ingat siapa yang ada saat aku jatuh, siapa yang tolong aku saat aku tiada duit pun mau makan.

Lala Koh - Like I'm Gonna Lose You

Just uploaded my new cover song on YouTube. The last time I uploaded a cover song was about four months ago. Been busy since then. Now? Too free at school for my internship. Hahaha



One thing I noticed is that I have a blogging pattern. Like, the most active blogging will occur during my practicum phases. Hahaha I guess that means it gets really boring being in schools. Sigh. How can I be a teacher with an attitude like this? I mean I used to love teaching. Now it feels like a burden. I used to be excited to wake up and prepare for schools. Now, even the thought of going to school annoys me. Damn!



Anyway, do check out my new cover of Like I'm Gonna Lose You by Meghan Trainor and John Legend. Drop some comments so that I can improve from your feedback! <3

Fire.

So I saw this statement on Facebook:

When a girl is sick;

Le boyfriend: Don't forget to take your meds, okay? I love you.

Scandal: I'm outside your house. Bought you some meds.

Scandal wins.

People, I have to agree on this. I'm not agreeing on the 'girls should have scandals to take care of them' thing, but I'm agreeing on the fact that when we are already in relationships, we tend to take things for granted. Why? Because we thought we have secured our place in our partners' heart. But have we? Really?

Try to take a min of your life and reflect. How it really was when you started flirting with your lady or your man? How was it when you just started your relationships? Did you buy her a bouquet a flower? Did you open the door for her? Did you prepare meals for him when he was sick? Did you help him walk when he got injured? These little things mean a lot to every each of us. If there's any, even one, of my readers do not feel touched when their couple did one of these, then I guess I am completely wrong.

I mean, why did we stop doing all these?

I remembered most of my ex-bfs were acting all the same. Like the first few months, or even few weeks, when we started dating, they'll be all gentlemen - pretending to be the princes they never were. Buying me flowers, phone calls till late at night, early morning messages, giving sweet quotes, then in the end it slowed down and completely gone. Not that I want all of these everyday but it sure is nice to still keep the spark by doing it every now and then. I mean, why not? It's not that difficult to find a min to just say 'Hey, I miss you' or a short 30 seconds call to say 'I love you'. I don't know, I guess my expectations are too high. Because I am the kind of lady that will throw dinner surprises or giving presents whenever I feel like it, the type of lady that will text my man whenever I think of him and the lady that puts her man as her priority. That's why I expect the same thing from my man. To my disappointment, these kind of men are so difficult to find! Hahaha

To be honest, there was one but I let him go (again, this one sad story from Miss Granny). If you are following my post, you will know who he is. You know, the one that became my only regret. We were friends before we got together. He was always there for me since we were friends. I remembered how he used to call me because I was afraid to walk up my college's stairs at night. So we will be talking the minute I got to the stairs until I reached my room. I'd call him whenever I couldn't sleep at night and when I suddenly woke up in the middle of the night. He'd accompany me for my crazy food-craving. He even broke into the girls' dorm just because I was sick and he couldn't contact me. It didn't stop even after two years being together. He was the only person who could put up with me. This is important because I can be very childish when I am with someone I love dearly (so if I got very childish with you, that simply means I love you hehe). I guess, that's why the breakup hurt a lot. But all that was in the past. I've moved on. He moved on. I even heard he's in a serious relationship now and I'm happy for him. The point is, will I ever meet someone like him again?

You see, no one will be the same. That's why when I decided to let in someone new, I never compare. At first it was difficult but I tried and slowly I got over it. I even decided to leave all the past for this one guy I knew. He was kind, he was willing to learn but both of us have a very bad temper. My theory is simple, I am 'fire' so I need to find someone with 'water' element. I mean if both of us are of fire elements, no one will surrender and in the end it will kill the relationship. Yes, I was told that I need to lower my ego especially in the argument but you see, I don't see why should I apologize when I know it wasn't my fault? Who is egoistic now, then? Once I start apologizing for something that is not my mistake, I will be apologizing for all mistakes that I do not do in the future. Makes sense? Deep down I really do not want to walk away from this relationship like I did last time because I really wanted this to work out. I can see myself next to him in the future. But if both of us are really fire, then what should I do? Change my element to water? That calls for a huge transformation, man. And I don't think I can change that easily. I don't know. Sigh. I guess I  just have no luck in relationships.

Say something I'm giving up on you.

Missing you.

After you passed away in 2005, I had only dreamt about you once. That was a couple of days after your funeral. I dreamt about you telling me not to be sad because you're happy up there. You told me how sad you were to see me crying on my bed refusing to eat. You told me to pray for you and for me. You told me to send your regards to your family. That was the first and the last one I dreamt about you after you went away. And today, surprisingly, I dreamed of you again. It was really unexpected because it's been years. I never expect to dream of you again because as much as I want to say that I miss you a lot, I also have to admit that as time went on, the memories start to fade away as well. I'm sorry for that. :( I guess this is your way to remind me about you. That our friendship should never be forgotten. :( I am really sorry, B. I never mean to forget you. :(

Last night, I dreamt about us. You know, those old times. When we always thought of running away? Ahahahahaha yeah, those times. In that dream, I was very young. Around our age when we were young and stupid. (I'm still stupid now) ahahahaha I was waiting for you at my old house, with a bagpack behind me. You arrived, driving your late dad's red 4WD, with your younger sister. Like usual, you looked happy. We were so excited. I hopped in. I didn't even know where we were going. Ahahahaha and we left. Then I woke up and started missing you. Where were you taking me? The dream was too short for me, you left me hanging. I miss you. :(

Friendship was very pure when we were kids. We were honest to each other. We were happy together. We had fun together. Is there anything like that today? I don't know. Even I find myself not being honest to others as well. You know, to avoid from hurting them. Anyway, I miss you. I miss us. Thanks for the dream. At least it reminded me of you. :')