Fire.

So I saw this statement on Facebook:

When a girl is sick;

Le boyfriend: Don't forget to take your meds, okay? I love you.

Scandal: I'm outside your house. Bought you some meds.

Scandal wins.

People, I have to agree on this. I'm not agreeing on the 'girls should have scandals to take care of them' thing, but I'm agreeing on the fact that when we are already in relationships, we tend to take things for granted. Why? Because we thought we have secured our place in our partners' heart. But have we? Really?

Try to take a min of your life and reflect. How it really was when you started flirting with your lady or your man? How was it when you just started your relationships? Did you buy her a bouquet a flower? Did you open the door for her? Did you prepare meals for him when he was sick? Did you help him walk when he got injured? These little things mean a lot to every each of us. If there's any, even one, of my readers do not feel touched when their couple did one of these, then I guess I am completely wrong.

I mean, why did we stop doing all these?

I remembered most of my ex-bfs were acting all the same. Like the first few months, or even few weeks, when we started dating, they'll be all gentlemen - pretending to be the princes they never were. Buying me flowers, phone calls till late at night, early morning messages, giving sweet quotes, then in the end it slowed down and completely gone. Not that I want all of these everyday but it sure is nice to still keep the spark by doing it every now and then. I mean, why not? It's not that difficult to find a min to just say 'Hey, I miss you' or a short 30 seconds call to say 'I love you'. I don't know, I guess my expectations are too high. Because I am the kind of lady that will throw dinner surprises or giving presents whenever I feel like it, the type of lady that will text my man whenever I think of him and the lady that puts her man as her priority. That's why I expect the same thing from my man. To my disappointment, these kind of men are so difficult to find! Hahaha

To be honest, there was one but I let him go (again, this one sad story from Miss Granny). If you are following my post, you will know who he is. You know, the one that became my only regret. We were friends before we got together. He was always there for me since we were friends. I remembered how he used to call me because I was afraid to walk up my college's stairs at night. So we will be talking the minute I got to the stairs until I reached my room. I'd call him whenever I couldn't sleep at night and when I suddenly woke up in the middle of the night. He'd accompany me for my crazy food-craving. He even broke into the girls' dorm just because I was sick and he couldn't contact me. It didn't stop even after two years being together. He was the only person who could put up with me. This is important because I can be very childish when I am with someone I love dearly (so if I got very childish with you, that simply means I love you hehe). I guess, that's why the breakup hurt a lot. But all that was in the past. I've moved on. He moved on. I even heard he's in a serious relationship now and I'm happy for him. The point is, will I ever meet someone like him again?

You see, no one will be the same. That's why when I decided to let in someone new, I never compare. At first it was difficult but I tried and slowly I got over it. I even decided to leave all the past for this one guy I knew. He was kind, he was willing to learn but both of us have a very bad temper. My theory is simple, I am 'fire' so I need to find someone with 'water' element. I mean if both of us are of fire elements, no one will surrender and in the end it will kill the relationship. Yes, I was told that I need to lower my ego especially in the argument but you see, I don't see why should I apologize when I know it wasn't my fault? Who is egoistic now, then? Once I start apologizing for something that is not my mistake, I will be apologizing for all mistakes that I do not do in the future. Makes sense? Deep down I really do not want to walk away from this relationship like I did last time because I really wanted this to work out. I can see myself next to him in the future. But if both of us are really fire, then what should I do? Change my element to water? That calls for a huge transformation, man. And I don't think I can change that easily. I don't know. Sigh. I guess I  just have no luck in relationships.

Say something I'm giving up on you.

Types of women (2)

Another post of types of women. Ahahahahaha well, since people always say that women are complicated, I thought I should share my thoughts about women too. Who knows it will help the rest of us to understand women better.

Some women (I hate to admit this) are clingy. They want to be with you almost all the time. They want you all over them. If they can't be right next to you, they make sure that you guys text all the time. When you guys go out, they want to hold hands with you, put their arms around you or your arms around them, they want to take pictures with you and share it with the world, they want the world to know that you are theirs and they are yours. You might feel a bit stressed out because you can't breathe. You want your own time. You want to spend your time with others too. Now, what you can do is talk to your girl. It's not gonna be easy but if you want to save your relationship, you gotta talk to her. You gotta make her understand your needs. And don't expect her to change straight away. Changes take time.

Some women have their own ego. They do not text first. This usually happens when they are not YET in a relationship with you. They like you, you both have that mutual feelings towards each other, but they never text you first. Why? Because they believe that if the man really likes a woman, the man should be the one who starts the conversation. However, some men find this difficult. They think that both men and women can and should start the conversation every now and then. They think that if they are the only one who keep starting the conversation, that simply means that the other party is not interested. Still, you can see the hints by reading your conversation. If she is interested, she will try to keep the conversation going. If she is not, the conversation usually goes to dead end - where you are the one who keeps it going. For example, you ask 'how was your day?' Then she replied, 'not bad. Met a friend of mine, had good food. What about you? How was yours?' She asked back. Means she wants the conversation to keep going. But if she replies to you 'not bad. Haha.' She is giving a hint that she does not want to talk to you about her day. Or about anything else. Stop texting her.

Some women are over jealous type. They see you make friends with women, they got mad. They see you talk to your female friends, they got mad. They see you smile to other women, they got mad. It's like the only woman you should be talking is her. Or your mom. Or your sister. This type is dangerous. Yes, it shows that they love you so very much but no, it is not a healthy relationship you are in. It is not love anymore. It is more like an obsession. Or simply being possesive. Always remember, 'love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast. It is not proud. It does not dishonor others. It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil. It rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes and always perseveres.' (1 Chorinthians 13:4)

There are many more different types of women but as the time ticks, my eyes get smaller as well. Ahahahaha I'm sleepyyyyyy.. But before I go to bed, I'll just share a little bit of me. I'm the second type. I do not text first. I always hear advices from other women saying that 'if you like him, you should text him first' or 'why not text him first? We are in the modern world. The rule does not apply anymore'. Well no matter how modern I may look outside, inside, I am still a traditional lady. I want to be a housewife, I want to cook for my family, I want to do all the traditional woman does for her man. So yes, I want the man to text me first. But looking at today's world, where these gentlemen are almost extinct, the chance of me finding one might be AND will be difficult. Still, no harm in waiting. Ohhhh my Manolo.. When will you arrive? Ahahahahaha nighty nite peeps!

Sakit gigi.

"Putus lagi cintaku.

Putuus lagi jalinan kasih sayang ku dengannya.

Daripada sakit hati, lebih baik sakit gigi ini.

Biar, tak mengapa.

Rela, rela, rela, aku relakan."

- petikan daripada lirik lagu Sakit Gigi nyanyian Meggy Z

Baru sebulan berjinak-jinak semula dalam dunia cinta, aku tersungkur lagi buat kesekian kalinya. Lebih tepat - 34 hari. Kali ini disebabkan kawan-kawannya.

Setiap orang datang dengan 'bagasi' masing-masing. 'Bagasi' yang merupakan pakej yang datang dengan setiap orang, yang perlu kita terima jika kita mahu bersama dengan orang tersebut. Ada yang punya bagasi berisi ibu bapa - ibu bapa yang terlalu menginginkan yang sempurna buat anak mereka. Ada yang punya bagasi berisi bekas teman wanita/teman lelaki - ex yang masih punya perasaan dengan mereka ataupun mereka masih punya perasaan dengan ex mereka. Ada yang punya bagasi berisi kerjaya - kerjaya yang seringkali menjadi keutamaan mereka. Ada yang punya bagasi berisi kekecewaan - kisah lampau yang mereka tidak dapat lupakan. Dan dia? Dia punya bagasi berisi kawan-kawannya.

Bukan aku tidak kenal kawan-kawannya. Aku kenal mereka lebih dahulu sebelum aku kenal dia. Aku bukan jenis yang suka bercakap tentang hal orang lain walaupun aku tau banyak cerita tentang kawan-kawannya. Tapi aku diamkan sahaja bila aku bersama dia. Sebab bagi aku, bagasi ini boleh diangkat bersama. Selagi ianya tidak mengganggu hidupku dengannya, apa aku kisah? Aku gembira dengan dia. Walaupun aku kurang gemar bila dia keluar dengan kawan-kawannya, aku tetap biarkan. Sebab dia berhak memilih dengan siapa dia berkawan. Lagipun aku percaya dia. Dia bukan seperti mereka. Namun bila pergaduhan tercetus akibat kawan-kawannya, aku mulai gelisah. Mampukah aku menolongnya mengangkat bagasinya bersama? Akankah dia berkongsi beban bagasinya bersamaku? Ataupun hanya meminta aku mengangkatnya sendirian? Dia kata, kawan-kawannya meragui hubungan kami. Kata kawannya, aku cuma ingin mempermainkan perasaan dia sebab wanita seperti aku boleh mendapatkan yang jauh lebih kacak paras rupanya. Masalahnya, bukan paras rupa yang ku cari. Bukan susuk badan yang ku lihat. Bukan warna kulit yang memberikan ku rasa sayang itu. Kalau paras rupa yang ku cari, lebih baik aku masuk ke dunia seni dan mencari pelakon atau penyanyi atau model untuk bersamaku. Kalau susuk badan yang ku lihat, lebih baik aku ke gym dan mencari lelaki yang paling sasa. Kalau kulit putih yang mampu memberikan aku kasih sayang, lebih baik aku mencari mat saleh di luar sana. Lagi pula, paras rupa ku tidaklah secantik mana. Badan ku pula bukanlah seperti biola. Warna kulit pun kekuningan. Jadi apa yang melayakkan aku untuk memilih semua itu? Semua itu cuma luaran semata. Soal hati yang lebih ku utamakan. Kalau aku selesa dengannya, gembira bersamanya, untuk apa persoalkan fizikal? Kalau soal hati sudah memadai, soal fizikal cumalah satu bonus.

Lepas isu tersebut, isu lain pula yang dibangkitkan. Ya, memang aku pernah rapat dengan seorang kawannya. Kami banyak berkongsi tentang hati dan perasaan kerana kami ditinggalkan pada waktu yang hampir sama. Kami saling menguatkan sesama sendiri. Tetapi itu semua sebelum aku mengenali dia. Kami sudah tidak berhubung antara satu sama lain sejak aku mengenali dia. Malah sebelum aku mengenal dia pun aku telah pun memutuskan untuk tidak berhubung dengan kawannya kerana kawannya telah pun kembali kepada teman wanitanya.

Usai kisah itu, kisah  lain pula dibangkitkan. Setiap kali aku menaikturun gambar ku dengannya di laman sosial, aku akan terlebih dahulu meminta izinnya tetapi seringkali aku akan terpaksa membuang gambar tersebut setelah aku menaikturunnya. Mengapa? Kerana kawan-kawannya akan 'screenshot' gambar-gambar tersebut dan menjadikannya bahan dalam 'whatsapp' group mereka. Dia malu. Dia kurang selesa. Bukan aku ingin menunjuk-nunjuk bahagia ku. Tetapi apa salahnya kalau aku menaikturun dua tiga gambar kami bersama? Apa yang ingin dimalukan? Bagi aku, lelaki yang betul-betul mahukan aku sepatutnya bangga untuk memberitahu dunia tentang aku, dan bukannya cuba untuk menyorokkan hubungan kami berdua. Malah pernah sekali kami keluar berdua, dia ragu-ragu untuk masuk ke KFC bersamaku hanya kerana dia terlihat kawan-kawannya ada di dalam. Kalau malu, kenapa bersama?Akhirnya aku tewas. Aku tidak mampu untuk mengangkat bagasinya seorang diri. Itu bagasinya. Aku datang untuk menolongnya mengangkat bagasinya, bukan untuk aku mengangkatnya seorang diri.

Itu kisah bagasinya. Bagaimana pula dengan aku? Seperti dia dan banyak lagi yang lain, aku turut mempunyai bagasi ku sendiri. Apa pula isi bagasi ku? Bagasi ku berisi bekas teman lelaki ku. Meski sudah berpisah dengannya hampir dua tahun, aku tidak dapat nafikan bahawa masih ada sisa-sisa sayang yang masih berbaki dalam lubuk hati ini. Hatiku masih berdegup kencang bila aku mendengar nama ex ku disebut. Tanganku menjadi sejuk apabila aku terlihat kelibat ex ku. Aku masih menangis bila kadangkala teringat tentang memori kami berdua. Tetapi aku tetap mencuba. Aku tidak mahu kisah lepas menganggu kisah ku hari ini. Dan aku sangat-sangat bersyukur kerana dia memahamiku. Dia memberikan ku masa. Dia menolongku mengangkat bagasi yang memang sangat berat untuk ku pikul seorang diri. Dan bagasi itu menjadi ringan. Kenapa? Sebab aku dan dia mengangkatnya bersama.

Tetapi hari ini akhirnya hubungan terputus jua. Kerana bagasinya semata-mata. Mungkin salahku kerana terlalu cepat berputus asa untuk mengangkat bagasi tersebut. Tetapi mengapa dia tidak mahu mengangkatnya bersama ku? Kenapa dia membiarkan ku mengangkat bagasinya seorang diri? Air mata mengalir diawal pagi apabila menerima mesej darinya mengatakan bahawa perpisahan ini dia relakan. Aku pasrah. Baru 34 hari bersama dan semua hal ini telah terjadi. Mungkin sebab kami terburu-buru untuk bersama tanpa cuba mengenali hati budi masing-masing terlebih dahulu. Aku genggam jari-jemari ku erat. Aku risau tertuding jari. Kerana perpisahan ini bukan salah sesiapa. Cuma mungkin dia masih muda dan aku pula masih belum bersedia untuk bercinta lagi.

_______________________________________________________________________________

Arhhhhhh really feel like writing a novel! I should really start writing one and hand it in to a publisher. Who knows, that is my call? :)

Girlfriend vs Friends?

I believe this conflict has troubled most of the people that are in love relationships. Unless you are in relationship with your best friend, then this won't be a problem for you. But if you fell for somebody that is not in your circle of friends at first, it is gonna be difficult. No joke. Why? Because then your friends and your girlfriend will start to fight over your time. Your friends will start saying things like, "since you have a girlfriend, you spent less time with us" and your girlfriend be like, "you keep spending time with your friends and leaving me alone". No matter how hard you try to balance your time to make sure both parties are satisfied, you can still hear those accusation. In the end, you feel stressed out. You are in dilemma. Who to choose?

Other than that, being in a relationship with someone out of your circle of friends also means that you 'need' to win your friends' approval. Why? Because if they don't like her, they'll talk shit about her. At first, you'll be like '"no, they won't be able to influence me" but listening to those bullshits from time to time annoys you and in the end you'll be affected no matter how hard you try to deny it. Again, you're in dilemma. Who to choose?

See, in the first case, time management is important. However, some immature people will still can't take it. Like your friends? They want all of you. They want all the attention. They don't want to share. They don't want to grow up. To see you with someone else means a big step for you - you're growing up. They are scared. They are afraid. Because they haven't found the one. Only by the time they have found the one, then only they will be able to see why. What about your immature girlfriend? Again, she wants all of you. She wants all of your attention. She doesn't want to share. Not because she doesn't want to grow up but because she is afraid of losing you. See, a good girlfriend will let you have your time with your friends. However, you shouldn't take advantage of it. If she lets you spend your time with your friends, then you should stay with her. Because she understands your needs. Your needs to do stupid things with your so-called friends.

Meanwhile in the second case, sometimes your friends are being protective. They do not want you to get hurt. So whatever stories they heard about your girl from others, they tell you straightaway. They want you to know what's happening. They do not want you to be fooled. However, sometimes that is not always the case. Sometimes they are jealous. You are in a relationship, at last! And they are still searching! And the girl you are dating is someone out of your league? They'll be like 'WHATTTTTT??' ahahahaha.. but that is not always the case as well. They are usually jealous because you spend more time with her than with them. So they started to talk about your girl as if they have known your girl forever. As if they are the experts about your girl's life. As if they know everything about your girl. Truth is, sometimes your friends are right but sometimes they are not either. Here, you have to really rely on yourself. To scrutinize what's best for you. To seek the truth in your heart. Or sometimes to find someone (most preferably a stranger - someone who does not know your friends or your girl) and ask for his/her opinions. Sometimes wise words come from strangers.

Who to choose? It's all up to  you to decide. Choose what's best for you and then stand firm. Do not hesitate. Because you know what your heart wants.

The Past is Deep.

Everybody has their own past. Some past worth to be rewound while some felt like they should be deleted. Same goes with mine. Some past makes me really feel like deleting them from my memory while some past keeps rewinding in my head. Though there were good and bad memories, I have never regretted any of them. Why? Because they taught me lessons in life. I learned a lot from those bittersweet memories. Truthfully, I am not a person that regret easily. For me everything has its own purpose. They were there for reasons we might not be able to explain. I believe that in the end it will reveal its purpose for being right where it is. But not one thing. This very thing was the only thing that I have the most regret in life. Well, the only regret, I believe. That is; to walk away from my relationship with Yuan. I should have fought for us. I should have stayed.

I have tried my very best to put this behind me since the day we both decided to walk away from our relationship. Until last two nights - when I was asked, "will you be with him again if he asks you to be with him now?" Pheww! That was a killing question! What am I supposed to answer? How am I supposed to answer to that? Like, seriously. After the breakup, I was lost. Twice suicide attempt. Sat in front of the TV, cried all by myself. Drank beer alone. Stayed home. I even stupidly accepted a stranger's proposal. Because at that time, for me, my life has ended. That was it. Up until today, my heart still beats faster just by hearing his name. Or looking at his back. Or when I hear his voice. Though we only knew each other for five years and got together for just a couple of years, it was enough for a common girl like me. So what answer am I supposed to give to that question? Will I be with him again if he asks me to be with him now?

Today, I re-read his blog. The last post in his blog was last year July, a very brief post about a quote by a famous Malaysian Ustaz, "Berhati-hati memilih hati seseorang. Jangan sampai mencintai seseorang yang akhirnya akan melukai hati kita. (be careful in looking for somebody to love, do not love somebody that will one day hurt you.)". Maybe that was the moment he has finally moved on and found somebody to love. Reading his old posts hurts me a lot. I have hurt him so much that I will never get back together with him. He is a great man and he deserves someone who would not hurt him as much as I did. So do you have your answer now? You see, love is not all about having that someone. It means that you care about that person's happiness more than your own. If they are happier without you, why stay? Let them go.

How I Met Your Father

Dayyymmmmmmnnnnnnnn (say it in a two-syllable damn) !! Haven't updated this blog in like forever! I knew that but I only realized that after I received an email from my French friend asking when am I going to update about what's happening in my life because he has not met me in a while. So yeah, I'm here.

Let's get back to the post's title. I bet you've watched How I Met Your Mother before. It is about how relationships come and go for Ted, the main character, before he actually met the mother of his children. So this post is another version of it, where I'll be the main character. (Well, I am the writer, anyway. Ahahahaha) Before I start, I'd like to remind you that this post is gonna be long and talks about breakups (mostly). Maybe to some, breakups are okay, but still most of us find it rather depressing, devastating and all the negative adjectives that can be found to describe breakups. For me breakups suck but not until I realized that others actually thought I am ALWAYS doing great after a breakup. Well, you guys are totally wrong. Now here's the story:

My friends and I were talking casually when they suddenly talked about breakups. About how they broke down so terribly it was so difficult for them to stand back on their own feet. Then one of them looked at me and asked, "I bet you have never experienced this". I was like, WHAAATTTTTTTT?? That was an extremely blunt accusation! And I totally couldn't accept it! Ahahaha you see, I am a woman and I have a very soft heart. I get angry and upset very fast especially when it comes to the day of the month. I am ridiculously sensitive especially to people that I love. So, you see. I am as normal as a woman can be.

So let me tell you about my breakups experiences. The first one; when I was 13 years old. Now, don't judge me. Yes, I was involved in love relationships at a very young age. Since he was my first boyfriend, I thought I was so madly in love. Mind you, when I was at that age, I didn't know how to dress up. I wore boys' shorts, I tied all my hair to the back (without any styles) and I was nothing. So my boyfriend at that time maybe wanted something more so he cheated on me. Twice. With the same girl. Take that! Ahahahaha I was so frustrated that I started to look at myself at the mirror. I thought, 'hey that girl needs a change in appearance'. So I did. I started wearing short denims, skirts, dresses, even 4-inch heels! And it paid well. My boyfriend came back to me saying how sorry he was and that he wanted to get back together but you see, the power was in my hand. So though I still had so much feelings for him, my ego put away all those feelings right there right then and I proudly said NO. You thought it was easy? No, I actually cried each time I hear our songs on the radio until I was 16. YES, it was that difficult.

Now, to the second breakups. It was a long-distance relationship so it was kind of difficult. It got even more difficult when we contacted each other less. We met each other like once a year and he only replied my text message (in average) once a week. Imagine calling. He wouldn't even bother calling me. But I was blind. So I waited. Up until one time, a friend made me realize how stupid I was that at last, I broke up with him. We actually broke up a few times but he successfully talked to me that I'd agree to stay with him. Those first few breakups made me cry like a baby but the last breakup? I actually felt relieved because I knew that was so gonna be the last one we'll ever be together. Can you see how every breakups made me stronger? Also, smarter? Ahahahaha

Next we go on to the third one. He was a charm. He took care of me. He was like a prince to me though he has a dark skin. Ahahaha not being racist here, but in the fairy tales, the princes always have fair skin! So I almost thought that he was the one (I was only 17 back then), until I saw he was texting a girl he always claimed as his childhood friend (saying it in a way that he is not even a single bit interested in her) and they were talking about how they had a 'good time' in the car 'last night' (you know what I mean). I was so upset! I mean who wouldn't right? So I broke up with him and suddenly he pointed out all weaknesses that I had to the extent that I was the one who felt wrong back then. To think about it now, I was so easily manipulated. Stupid. No, it's more like MORON. How did I deal with the breakup? I drank in front of my TV alone (I was living alone back then), I started smoking and I stopped focusing on my studies. Yes, that's how terrible my life was after the breakup.

Then, came an angel. Ahahahaha he stepped into my life when he saw how broken I was. He got me back to my own two feet and before I knew it, I was already flying. He was like the perfect man ever invented by God and this time I have to tell you that I was wrong. You see, after all the reasons that had caused my breakups before, I started to look at men as worthless human being. For me, all of them are just the same. So, I didn't appreciate them much. All they know is to hurt others. But boy was I wrong. This guy was so perfect and I just blew him away like that. He did his best to win me and I was in love. But it was just too scary to fall in love again. I remembered that time when he was busy preparing for his exam. It was important because he needed to pass the exam to be in the medics. He is crazy about being a doctor. It's like he had planned it much earlier. Wait. It was us. We planned it that way because I wanted to be a pharmacist and have my own pharmacy. That was the dream we created. The plan we wanted to have. However, as time went by, I realized that having a diploma in pharmacy won't take me anywhere especially when I was studying in a government sector. Then, education course offered me a degree. I hesitated but because of the degree, I thought 'well, that should be good. I mean good salary, secured job. What the hell, right?'. Andddd there came the problem. We drifted apart as our goal changed. I started to doubt him due to our long-distance relationship. It was difficult because I didn't understand our different schedule anymore. I slept early, went to class on working hours, an exam per semester but his was totally different. He went to bed like early mornings, went to class (even at night) and it's like he just had exam every week! So these differences in lifestyles had actually caused me to doubt him. I started to ask myself, is he really studying till late at night? Is he really having a class at night? Is he really having exams every week that he was so busy studying? Those questions killed me everyday. Also, due to my past relationships, I started to become phobia. Most of them cheated on me so it was difficult to really really put my trust on men. Sighhh.. we argued almost everyday till one day I just couldn't take it anymore so we broke up. But the last thing he said to me was so heartbreaking that I will always remember it to this day. He said, "sweetheart, I'm sorry I work too hard for our future". It's sad, isn't it? I was being selfish.

Let's move on to the next relationship. Well, this one is rather different. Why? Because we didn't break up just because we chose to. We broke up because we had to. We couldn't be together. You see, if you are following my blog, you'll know that in my country, a Muslim cannot get married with a non-Muslim. One of them has to convert. And in my case, usually the non-Muslims are the one who have to convert. So when I meet this guy, it is almost like in the movies. We were from different states, met in a small island. We studied in a college together until a month later I was offered another course and so I left. Eventually, he moved too because he was also offered another better course. We did contact each other after that. Almost everyday, every night. Until again, I was offered another course. I was so excited because it was the same course as his. So, I texted him and you know what happened next? Turned out we were going to study at the same college again! Wasn't that magical? I mean we knew each other at an island that both of us were not familiar with. Then, we met again in a state none of us know of. The magic didn't end there. I then continued my study at his college. However, he suddenly started to ignore me. We didn't talk to each other. It's like he was so 'busy' after I reached, when before this he had always got his time for me. I knew I wasn't his girlfriend but still he can treat me like his best friend. I mean we were. We were so close back in our previous college to the extent that people thought we were dating (actually, I was hoping the same too). Ahahahaha I felt so betrayed, I was so mad and I said to myself, 'hell no, no one is going to hurt Lala ever again'. So I stopped contacting him for like a year until the magic appeared once again. I was on a holiday with my girlfriend in Cameron Highland when I accidentally bumped into him in the middle of the road. I was walking on the pavement with my girlfriend, when he was driving with his friends. I didn't know how but we just saw each other. Later that night he called me and asked whether we can meet up. So we met up and talked about nothing and everything. He explained about his awkwardness towards the beginning and blah blah blah. We actually talked until we could see the sunlight. It was seriously like a dream to me. It was wonderful. It actually made me wonder, were we made for each other? I mean, who wouldn't think that way? It's like God created a pathway so that we will keep bumping at each other. So we were sooooo madly in love until one day I made a terrible mistake. I invited him to my sister's wedding. My family got to know that I was in a relationship with a Muslim guy and I was asked, straight away, to leave him. I was so frustrated. But what can I do? I love my God and I love my family. I was condemned, blackmailed and all the negative verbs were done to me. I asked him if he wants to convert to my religion but he insisted me to convert to his instead. We got into a huge argument and in the end we just decided to let go. It was the toughest decision I have ever made. I cried myself to bed everyday on that particular month we broke up, I watched our movie that we had made for each other with all the pics we collected since 3 years before, I drank beer whenever I was left alone (which is almost everytime), and in the end I even decided to suicide (not only decided, I actually tried but I was a coward I tried to save myself in the end). Did you see how bad I handle breakups? I may look strong to you but I am just exactly like you guys. I may look happy to you because you haven't seen me in my room trying to end my life. I have to admit. No matter how hard-headed a girl I seem to look, I am still a weak girl, that needs a man to hold me strong (which always, in my case, is my father).

Getting bored, ey? Well, this one gonna be the last breakup I'm gonna share with you. So sit up straight. Ahahahaha this guy? I had never imagined to be with someone like him. Why?
1. He is a guy in a uniform (for me people who work in army, airforce, navy, police, are all could not be trusted. Well, I have plenty of reasons which I'll go to that later)
2. He works in West Malaysia (I've been wanting to work in rural areas back in my own state, to serve my people)
3. A very strong government supporter (I am more to the opposition)
4. Humble isn't something he lives up to (he compliments himself more than he compliments others. Well maybe it's good but I live in humility and being humble is my way of life)
5. He uses high tone/pitch when he talks to the family (it made me into thinking, how is he going to be the head of the family if he is going to shout at everybody?)

But my aunt set us up as she thought we were best for each other. You know, the concept of Yin and Yang. So we tried. At first it was awkward. I mean we barely knew each other. But then, surprisingly it got better quite fast. Our parents arranged us to get married as soon as possible, and before I know it, we already bought our engagement rings, own a car as well as an apartment! We were a practical couple. We did things for our future and it was so perfect! I was happy, he was happy, but little did we realize, we were focusing too much in making our future so perfect that we forgot we need to live our present life first in order to grab the future. So when we started focusing on our future, we stopped living in the present. There was not much of memorable dates or that cheesy romantic dinner. It was all about plans and plans and plans about our future. When we go out it'll be talking of which paint to buy for the apartment, what to put in the kitchen, what kind of sofa to be in the living room, do we need TV or not. These things became more important than having our time together. Then, his father started to interfere. Of course, having a good relationship with your father is good. But to the extent that you share all the things that only a couple should share is too much. It was frustrating. I mean, why want to talk to others when you can just say it to each other? Though in movies they always portray that girls talk about their boyfriends' weaknesses all the time, it doesn't happen in reality. We only brag about our boyfriends. We don't talk much about our problems because it should be private. So slowly, we began to argue more and more. Oh and another thing, both of us didn't say out loud about what we felt towards each other. That was another problem. We kept it to ourselves and tried giving hints as if our partner is a mind-reader. This became another problem. All of these things, at last, went to the surface and killed the relationship. I'd prefer to admit that I was wrong because I was such an arse and everybody told me so. I tried talking to him, which was the first time for me. I mean, I have never talked a guy into getting back together with me. For me, what's gone is gone. I don't look back anymore. But this time, I tried. Twice. And he wouldn't listen so I guess that was the end of it. We broke up (more to he broke up with me) and to compare to my previous breakup, I accepted it more openheartedly. Maybe because the previous one, there was nothing we could do to be together even if we love each other so much. But this one? We can actually work on it together but he chose not to. So it was a decision that he made and after trying to change his decision twice, I guess God just has a better plan for me. Of course I was still affected with the breakup. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat much (I lost 3 kgs in just a week) and I kept myself home whenever possible. It was tough.

Now, kids. Wondering how I met your father? Keep on wondering because the story is gonna be long. I'm still young and I guess there will be more to come. So, wait for another episode. Ahahahahaha

Love

Love is simple.

I love you, you love me.

But to be with someone you love is not as simple as that.

There will always be challenges, barriers that won't go.

They are so strong that they make you feel weak.

They make you feel like giving up.

They suffocate you.

They kill you.

Slowly.

Love is beautiful.

When you start loving someone, the world feels like heaven.

But love can be deceiving.

It hurts thousands of people.

Loving someone means you are ready to be hurt.

It means you are ready to fall apart.

It means crying is going to be a part of your life.

It means a litre of tears.

I wish love is like a fairytale.

Where there is only a witch and her plans.

Where there is a man with his true love.

Where there is no other.

Where there is no lie.

Where there is no religion.

Where there is only you and me.

Yeah, I wish.

I really wish.

I wish love is like how they described it in love songs.

'I won't give up', says Jason Mraz.

To be 'Crazy in love' like Beyonce.

To 'Love you inside out' says Bee Gees.

Because Barry White 'can't get enough of your love, babe'.

Always be 'close to you', says The Carpenters.

Because Ray Charles know 'I can't stop loving you'.

Trust me, these are the words I really want you to hear.

I really want you to know.

I really do.

:'(

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Love is patient,

love is kind.

It does not envy,

it does not boast,

it is not proud.

It is not rude,

it is not self-seeking,

it is not easily angered,

it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.