Fire.

So I saw this statement on Facebook:

When a girl is sick;

Le boyfriend: Don't forget to take your meds, okay? I love you.

Scandal: I'm outside your house. Bought you some meds.

Scandal wins.

People, I have to agree on this. I'm not agreeing on the 'girls should have scandals to take care of them' thing, but I'm agreeing on the fact that when we are already in relationships, we tend to take things for granted. Why? Because we thought we have secured our place in our partners' heart. But have we? Really?

Try to take a min of your life and reflect. How it really was when you started flirting with your lady or your man? How was it when you just started your relationships? Did you buy her a bouquet a flower? Did you open the door for her? Did you prepare meals for him when he was sick? Did you help him walk when he got injured? These little things mean a lot to every each of us. If there's any, even one, of my readers do not feel touched when their couple did one of these, then I guess I am completely wrong.

I mean, why did we stop doing all these?

I remembered most of my ex-bfs were acting all the same. Like the first few months, or even few weeks, when we started dating, they'll be all gentlemen - pretending to be the princes they never were. Buying me flowers, phone calls till late at night, early morning messages, giving sweet quotes, then in the end it slowed down and completely gone. Not that I want all of these everyday but it sure is nice to still keep the spark by doing it every now and then. I mean, why not? It's not that difficult to find a min to just say 'Hey, I miss you' or a short 30 seconds call to say 'I love you'. I don't know, I guess my expectations are too high. Because I am the kind of lady that will throw dinner surprises or giving presents whenever I feel like it, the type of lady that will text my man whenever I think of him and the lady that puts her man as her priority. That's why I expect the same thing from my man. To my disappointment, these kind of men are so difficult to find! Hahaha

To be honest, there was one but I let him go (again, this one sad story from Miss Granny). If you are following my post, you will know who he is. You know, the one that became my only regret. We were friends before we got together. He was always there for me since we were friends. I remembered how he used to call me because I was afraid to walk up my college's stairs at night. So we will be talking the minute I got to the stairs until I reached my room. I'd call him whenever I couldn't sleep at night and when I suddenly woke up in the middle of the night. He'd accompany me for my crazy food-craving. He even broke into the girls' dorm just because I was sick and he couldn't contact me. It didn't stop even after two years being together. He was the only person who could put up with me. This is important because I can be very childish when I am with someone I love dearly (so if I got very childish with you, that simply means I love you hehe). I guess, that's why the breakup hurt a lot. But all that was in the past. I've moved on. He moved on. I even heard he's in a serious relationship now and I'm happy for him. The point is, will I ever meet someone like him again?

You see, no one will be the same. That's why when I decided to let in someone new, I never compare. At first it was difficult but I tried and slowly I got over it. I even decided to leave all the past for this one guy I knew. He was kind, he was willing to learn but both of us have a very bad temper. My theory is simple, I am 'fire' so I need to find someone with 'water' element. I mean if both of us are of fire elements, no one will surrender and in the end it will kill the relationship. Yes, I was told that I need to lower my ego especially in the argument but you see, I don't see why should I apologize when I know it wasn't my fault? Who is egoistic now, then? Once I start apologizing for something that is not my mistake, I will be apologizing for all mistakes that I do not do in the future. Makes sense? Deep down I really do not want to walk away from this relationship like I did last time because I really wanted this to work out. I can see myself next to him in the future. But if both of us are really fire, then what should I do? Change my element to water? That calls for a huge transformation, man. And I don't think I can change that easily. I don't know. Sigh. I guess I  just have no luck in relationships.

Say something I'm giving up on you.

Does Marriage Close The Door For Enjoyment?

I bet everybody has heard of this excuse to not get married - "I'm still young. I still want to enjoy my life." Or people giving advice to others who are getting married - "Hey, you're still young. Why do you want to get married? You should enjoy your life first!" What do you think of it?

As for me, I disagree of this excuse. I mean, can't you have fun after you got married? Is there no fun in marriage? I think that excuse would be better if it is said this way, "I'm not ready for kids" or "I am not sure whether I am ready for a family". See, marriage takes a lot of commitment. You can't think about you and only you. There's your spouse. You have to consider his/her feelings in every thing you do, every decisions you make. But wait, isn't that something that you did even before you both got married? Isn't that something that you did when you were in relationships?

That's why I disagree to the excuse where you can't have fun after you got married. Yes, there will be lots of things to be thought about, especially when it comes to financial because practically you both have to share everything that you have. But fun? It all depends on us. There's no stopping you to have fun in marriage. You would be able to travel together, spent every day together, buy groceries together, do laundry together, drink together, everything together. Unless you haven't found the one, then the story would be so much different. He wanted to do something else while you wanted to do something else. Then you both started to argue. I mean, why argue when both of you have fun doing other things together? I mean if you enjoy reading books while he enjoys watching sports, then go to the tea shops and read your books while he goes to the stadium and watches his team playing football. There's nothing wrong in that! Doesn't mean that you both are married, you have to stick together forever! I knew a couple who loves travelling and they still continue travelling even after they have their second baby. Another couple have their fun schedule. They take turns to have fun outside (if this weekend the husband went out drinking with his friends, the wife will be home taking care of their kids then the week after that will be the wife's turn to go out). It's all about sharing workload and good communication. I see no reason you can't have fun after you got married, unless you are not ready to be loyal to only one partner, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, everybody has their own opinion and I'm just stating mine. No offense, yahhhh!

Types of women (2)

Another post of types of women. Ahahahahaha well, since people always say that women are complicated, I thought I should share my thoughts about women too. Who knows it will help the rest of us to understand women better.

Some women (I hate to admit this) are clingy. They want to be with you almost all the time. They want you all over them. If they can't be right next to you, they make sure that you guys text all the time. When you guys go out, they want to hold hands with you, put their arms around you or your arms around them, they want to take pictures with you and share it with the world, they want the world to know that you are theirs and they are yours. You might feel a bit stressed out because you can't breathe. You want your own time. You want to spend your time with others too. Now, what you can do is talk to your girl. It's not gonna be easy but if you want to save your relationship, you gotta talk to her. You gotta make her understand your needs. And don't expect her to change straight away. Changes take time.

Some women have their own ego. They do not text first. This usually happens when they are not YET in a relationship with you. They like you, you both have that mutual feelings towards each other, but they never text you first. Why? Because they believe that if the man really likes a woman, the man should be the one who starts the conversation. However, some men find this difficult. They think that both men and women can and should start the conversation every now and then. They think that if they are the only one who keep starting the conversation, that simply means that the other party is not interested. Still, you can see the hints by reading your conversation. If she is interested, she will try to keep the conversation going. If she is not, the conversation usually goes to dead end - where you are the one who keeps it going. For example, you ask 'how was your day?' Then she replied, 'not bad. Met a friend of mine, had good food. What about you? How was yours?' She asked back. Means she wants the conversation to keep going. But if she replies to you 'not bad. Haha.' She is giving a hint that she does not want to talk to you about her day. Or about anything else. Stop texting her.

Some women are over jealous type. They see you make friends with women, they got mad. They see you talk to your female friends, they got mad. They see you smile to other women, they got mad. It's like the only woman you should be talking is her. Or your mom. Or your sister. This type is dangerous. Yes, it shows that they love you so very much but no, it is not a healthy relationship you are in. It is not love anymore. It is more like an obsession. Or simply being possesive. Always remember, 'love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast. It is not proud. It does not dishonor others. It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil. It rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes and always perseveres.' (1 Chorinthians 13:4)

There are many more different types of women but as the time ticks, my eyes get smaller as well. Ahahahaha I'm sleepyyyyyy.. But before I go to bed, I'll just share a little bit of me. I'm the second type. I do not text first. I always hear advices from other women saying that 'if you like him, you should text him first' or 'why not text him first? We are in the modern world. The rule does not apply anymore'. Well no matter how modern I may look outside, inside, I am still a traditional lady. I want to be a housewife, I want to cook for my family, I want to do all the traditional woman does for her man. So yes, I want the man to text me first. But looking at today's world, where these gentlemen are almost extinct, the chance of me finding one might be AND will be difficult. Still, no harm in waiting. Ohhhh my Manolo.. When will you arrive? Ahahahahaha nighty nite peeps!

Sakit gigi.

"Putus lagi cintaku.

Putuus lagi jalinan kasih sayang ku dengannya.

Daripada sakit hati, lebih baik sakit gigi ini.

Biar, tak mengapa.

Rela, rela, rela, aku relakan."

- petikan daripada lirik lagu Sakit Gigi nyanyian Meggy Z

Baru sebulan berjinak-jinak semula dalam dunia cinta, aku tersungkur lagi buat kesekian kalinya. Lebih tepat - 34 hari. Kali ini disebabkan kawan-kawannya.

Setiap orang datang dengan 'bagasi' masing-masing. 'Bagasi' yang merupakan pakej yang datang dengan setiap orang, yang perlu kita terima jika kita mahu bersama dengan orang tersebut. Ada yang punya bagasi berisi ibu bapa - ibu bapa yang terlalu menginginkan yang sempurna buat anak mereka. Ada yang punya bagasi berisi bekas teman wanita/teman lelaki - ex yang masih punya perasaan dengan mereka ataupun mereka masih punya perasaan dengan ex mereka. Ada yang punya bagasi berisi kerjaya - kerjaya yang seringkali menjadi keutamaan mereka. Ada yang punya bagasi berisi kekecewaan - kisah lampau yang mereka tidak dapat lupakan. Dan dia? Dia punya bagasi berisi kawan-kawannya.

Bukan aku tidak kenal kawan-kawannya. Aku kenal mereka lebih dahulu sebelum aku kenal dia. Aku bukan jenis yang suka bercakap tentang hal orang lain walaupun aku tau banyak cerita tentang kawan-kawannya. Tapi aku diamkan sahaja bila aku bersama dia. Sebab bagi aku, bagasi ini boleh diangkat bersama. Selagi ianya tidak mengganggu hidupku dengannya, apa aku kisah? Aku gembira dengan dia. Walaupun aku kurang gemar bila dia keluar dengan kawan-kawannya, aku tetap biarkan. Sebab dia berhak memilih dengan siapa dia berkawan. Lagipun aku percaya dia. Dia bukan seperti mereka. Namun bila pergaduhan tercetus akibat kawan-kawannya, aku mulai gelisah. Mampukah aku menolongnya mengangkat bagasinya bersama? Akankah dia berkongsi beban bagasinya bersamaku? Ataupun hanya meminta aku mengangkatnya sendirian? Dia kata, kawan-kawannya meragui hubungan kami. Kata kawannya, aku cuma ingin mempermainkan perasaan dia sebab wanita seperti aku boleh mendapatkan yang jauh lebih kacak paras rupanya. Masalahnya, bukan paras rupa yang ku cari. Bukan susuk badan yang ku lihat. Bukan warna kulit yang memberikan ku rasa sayang itu. Kalau paras rupa yang ku cari, lebih baik aku masuk ke dunia seni dan mencari pelakon atau penyanyi atau model untuk bersamaku. Kalau susuk badan yang ku lihat, lebih baik aku ke gym dan mencari lelaki yang paling sasa. Kalau kulit putih yang mampu memberikan aku kasih sayang, lebih baik aku mencari mat saleh di luar sana. Lagi pula, paras rupa ku tidaklah secantik mana. Badan ku pula bukanlah seperti biola. Warna kulit pun kekuningan. Jadi apa yang melayakkan aku untuk memilih semua itu? Semua itu cuma luaran semata. Soal hati yang lebih ku utamakan. Kalau aku selesa dengannya, gembira bersamanya, untuk apa persoalkan fizikal? Kalau soal hati sudah memadai, soal fizikal cumalah satu bonus.

Lepas isu tersebut, isu lain pula yang dibangkitkan. Ya, memang aku pernah rapat dengan seorang kawannya. Kami banyak berkongsi tentang hati dan perasaan kerana kami ditinggalkan pada waktu yang hampir sama. Kami saling menguatkan sesama sendiri. Tetapi itu semua sebelum aku mengenali dia. Kami sudah tidak berhubung antara satu sama lain sejak aku mengenali dia. Malah sebelum aku mengenal dia pun aku telah pun memutuskan untuk tidak berhubung dengan kawannya kerana kawannya telah pun kembali kepada teman wanitanya.

Usai kisah itu, kisah  lain pula dibangkitkan. Setiap kali aku menaikturun gambar ku dengannya di laman sosial, aku akan terlebih dahulu meminta izinnya tetapi seringkali aku akan terpaksa membuang gambar tersebut setelah aku menaikturunnya. Mengapa? Kerana kawan-kawannya akan 'screenshot' gambar-gambar tersebut dan menjadikannya bahan dalam 'whatsapp' group mereka. Dia malu. Dia kurang selesa. Bukan aku ingin menunjuk-nunjuk bahagia ku. Tetapi apa salahnya kalau aku menaikturun dua tiga gambar kami bersama? Apa yang ingin dimalukan? Bagi aku, lelaki yang betul-betul mahukan aku sepatutnya bangga untuk memberitahu dunia tentang aku, dan bukannya cuba untuk menyorokkan hubungan kami berdua. Malah pernah sekali kami keluar berdua, dia ragu-ragu untuk masuk ke KFC bersamaku hanya kerana dia terlihat kawan-kawannya ada di dalam. Kalau malu, kenapa bersama?Akhirnya aku tewas. Aku tidak mampu untuk mengangkat bagasinya seorang diri. Itu bagasinya. Aku datang untuk menolongnya mengangkat bagasinya, bukan untuk aku mengangkatnya seorang diri.

Itu kisah bagasinya. Bagaimana pula dengan aku? Seperti dia dan banyak lagi yang lain, aku turut mempunyai bagasi ku sendiri. Apa pula isi bagasi ku? Bagasi ku berisi bekas teman lelaki ku. Meski sudah berpisah dengannya hampir dua tahun, aku tidak dapat nafikan bahawa masih ada sisa-sisa sayang yang masih berbaki dalam lubuk hati ini. Hatiku masih berdegup kencang bila aku mendengar nama ex ku disebut. Tanganku menjadi sejuk apabila aku terlihat kelibat ex ku. Aku masih menangis bila kadangkala teringat tentang memori kami berdua. Tetapi aku tetap mencuba. Aku tidak mahu kisah lepas menganggu kisah ku hari ini. Dan aku sangat-sangat bersyukur kerana dia memahamiku. Dia memberikan ku masa. Dia menolongku mengangkat bagasi yang memang sangat berat untuk ku pikul seorang diri. Dan bagasi itu menjadi ringan. Kenapa? Sebab aku dan dia mengangkatnya bersama.

Tetapi hari ini akhirnya hubungan terputus jua. Kerana bagasinya semata-mata. Mungkin salahku kerana terlalu cepat berputus asa untuk mengangkat bagasi tersebut. Tetapi mengapa dia tidak mahu mengangkatnya bersama ku? Kenapa dia membiarkan ku mengangkat bagasinya seorang diri? Air mata mengalir diawal pagi apabila menerima mesej darinya mengatakan bahawa perpisahan ini dia relakan. Aku pasrah. Baru 34 hari bersama dan semua hal ini telah terjadi. Mungkin sebab kami terburu-buru untuk bersama tanpa cuba mengenali hati budi masing-masing terlebih dahulu. Aku genggam jari-jemari ku erat. Aku risau tertuding jari. Kerana perpisahan ini bukan salah sesiapa. Cuma mungkin dia masih muda dan aku pula masih belum bersedia untuk bercinta lagi.

_______________________________________________________________________________

Arhhhhhh really feel like writing a novel! I should really start writing one and hand it in to a publisher. Who knows, that is my call? :)

Girlfriend vs Friends?

I believe this conflict has troubled most of the people that are in love relationships. Unless you are in relationship with your best friend, then this won't be a problem for you. But if you fell for somebody that is not in your circle of friends at first, it is gonna be difficult. No joke. Why? Because then your friends and your girlfriend will start to fight over your time. Your friends will start saying things like, "since you have a girlfriend, you spent less time with us" and your girlfriend be like, "you keep spending time with your friends and leaving me alone". No matter how hard you try to balance your time to make sure both parties are satisfied, you can still hear those accusation. In the end, you feel stressed out. You are in dilemma. Who to choose?

Other than that, being in a relationship with someone out of your circle of friends also means that you 'need' to win your friends' approval. Why? Because if they don't like her, they'll talk shit about her. At first, you'll be like '"no, they won't be able to influence me" but listening to those bullshits from time to time annoys you and in the end you'll be affected no matter how hard you try to deny it. Again, you're in dilemma. Who to choose?

See, in the first case, time management is important. However, some immature people will still can't take it. Like your friends? They want all of you. They want all the attention. They don't want to share. They don't want to grow up. To see you with someone else means a big step for you - you're growing up. They are scared. They are afraid. Because they haven't found the one. Only by the time they have found the one, then only they will be able to see why. What about your immature girlfriend? Again, she wants all of you. She wants all of your attention. She doesn't want to share. Not because she doesn't want to grow up but because she is afraid of losing you. See, a good girlfriend will let you have your time with your friends. However, you shouldn't take advantage of it. If she lets you spend your time with your friends, then you should stay with her. Because she understands your needs. Your needs to do stupid things with your so-called friends.

Meanwhile in the second case, sometimes your friends are being protective. They do not want you to get hurt. So whatever stories they heard about your girl from others, they tell you straightaway. They want you to know what's happening. They do not want you to be fooled. However, sometimes that is not always the case. Sometimes they are jealous. You are in a relationship, at last! And they are still searching! And the girl you are dating is someone out of your league? They'll be like 'WHATTTTTT??' ahahahaha.. but that is not always the case as well. They are usually jealous because you spend more time with her than with them. So they started to talk about your girl as if they have known your girl forever. As if they are the experts about your girl's life. As if they know everything about your girl. Truth is, sometimes your friends are right but sometimes they are not either. Here, you have to really rely on yourself. To scrutinize what's best for you. To seek the truth in your heart. Or sometimes to find someone (most preferably a stranger - someone who does not know your friends or your girl) and ask for his/her opinions. Sometimes wise words come from strangers.

Who to choose? It's all up to  you to decide. Choose what's best for you and then stand firm. Do not hesitate. Because you know what your heart wants.

Playgirl?

Based on yourdictionary. com , playgirl is defined as a woman who engages in casual sex and seeks pleasure in life. It is also a magazine that has the same concept as Playboy magazine - except that it shows pictures of nude men instead of nude women. Basically, playgirl has always been a negative noun or adjective in human dictionary. Now why do I bring up this topic? Because I found out that I am labeled as a playgirl by people around me.

See, playgirls here means girls who play with men's heart deliberately. It's like they have a boyfriend and they still want another; either for fun or to get more attention. And also they change boyfriends every now and then. So am I a playgirl?

See, I never intend to play with anybody's heart because I, too, was played for many times. I know how hurtful it is to be played. It's just that maybe my personality causes people to think that I am into them. Yes, I am cheerful. Yes, I am friendly, Yes, I smile to almost everyone I meet. But that does not mean I'm flirting with you. When people are kind to me, why should not I be kind to them back? But of course once those men express their feelings towards me, I will turn them down immediately if I have no feelings towards them. That's for sure. Because I don't want to hurt them more later so I make sure to let them feel down now.

Changing boyfriends every now and then? To be honest, I have to say this; I have no luck in love relationships. I don't know what is wrong with me but I always failed in my love relationships. I've been hurt so many times, been cheated, been wronged, and I just don't know what to do. The longest relationship I've ever had was only for 3 years. You see, if possible I want to fall in love once and let it be my last too. Like a fairy tale. I don't want to feel hurt. Tell me who wants to be hurt? It's just not my luck. Some people fall in love once and live happily ever after. Some people got married after two broken relationships. Some people couldn't even find the one. You're lucky if you found the one straight away. Me? I'm just unlucky enough.

Tapi entahlah. Sudah namanya manusia. Kita nda akan dapat menutup mulut diorang. Pasti ada ja salah di mata mereka. Lumrah manusia berakal pendek; bila tiada boyfriend, dikata memilih. Bila ada boyfriend, dikata terdesak. Bila boyfriend tiada rupa, dikata tidak sesuai. Bila boyfriend ada rupa, dikata nakkan yang hensem ja. Bila boyfriend kaya, dikata nakkan duit. Bila boyfriend tiada apa-apa, ditanya macam mana nak makan? Nampak kah permainannya disitu? Mulut orang mana boleh tutup. Tutup telinga sendiri, sudah la. Aku sendiri sudah lama belajar pasal benda ni. Cuma kali ini aku nda tahan bila dengar hal ni dari kawan sendiri dan orang yang aku sayang. Apa nda cukupkah diorang kenal aku? Mungkin sebab aku nda pernah menangis depan diorang bila hati aku disakiti. Mungkin sebab aku tunjukkan senyuman manisku didepan diorang walau hati menangis. Mungkin sebab aku menyibukkan diri kerana mau hati melupa sengsara buat seketika. Ya la, luka ditangan boleh dilihat. Luka dihati? Tuhan saja yang tau.

Ya, aku terkilan bila orang yang aku sayang dan aku anggap kawan cakap dengan aku, "janganlah kau dengan dia, kau cuma akan menyakitkan hati dia", "betulkah kau mau sama dia atau cuma bermain-main?, "nda akan lama kau dengan dia, percayalah. Aku kenal kau". Sakit. Terasa. Pedih. Aku robot kah? Nda punya perasaan? Makin lama aku rasa makin lemah. Serius. Aku perlu sokongan. Terkadang, hati terfikir. Adakah kegagalan dalam percintaan ku ni disebabkan oleh keputusan ku untuk meninggalkan orang yang aku cinta dua tahun lepas? Kalau ya, then aku redha. Sebab memang salah aku. Aku pilih untuk bersama keluarga instead of staying with him. Sebab aku belum ready mau tinggalkan family aku untuk orang yang baru ku kenal selama tiga tahun. Mungkin aku sudah terlepas satu-satunya cinta yang ditakdirkan untuk aku. Mungkin itulah sebabnya aku terus gagal. Mungkin? Tapi mungkin juga sebab aku masih muda. Aku masih belum bertemu 'the one'. Mungkin.

Cuma satu yang aku pinta. Percayalah aku. I want to love and be loved too. I never meant to hurt anyone. Tepuk dada, tanya selera. Kalau masih mau anggap aku suka mempermainkan hati orang, then terpulang. The cold never bothered me anyway.

P/s: Read my post about the men I dated and you'll understand better. Click here; How I Met Your Father.

The Past is Deep.

Everybody has their own past. Some past worth to be rewound while some felt like they should be deleted. Same goes with mine. Some past makes me really feel like deleting them from my memory while some past keeps rewinding in my head. Though there were good and bad memories, I have never regretted any of them. Why? Because they taught me lessons in life. I learned a lot from those bittersweet memories. Truthfully, I am not a person that regret easily. For me everything has its own purpose. They were there for reasons we might not be able to explain. I believe that in the end it will reveal its purpose for being right where it is. But not one thing. This very thing was the only thing that I have the most regret in life. Well, the only regret, I believe. That is; to walk away from my relationship with Yuan. I should have fought for us. I should have stayed.

I have tried my very best to put this behind me since the day we both decided to walk away from our relationship. Until last two nights - when I was asked, "will you be with him again if he asks you to be with him now?" Pheww! That was a killing question! What am I supposed to answer? How am I supposed to answer to that? Like, seriously. After the breakup, I was lost. Twice suicide attempt. Sat in front of the TV, cried all by myself. Drank beer alone. Stayed home. I even stupidly accepted a stranger's proposal. Because at that time, for me, my life has ended. That was it. Up until today, my heart still beats faster just by hearing his name. Or looking at his back. Or when I hear his voice. Though we only knew each other for five years and got together for just a couple of years, it was enough for a common girl like me. So what answer am I supposed to give to that question? Will I be with him again if he asks me to be with him now?

Today, I re-read his blog. The last post in his blog was last year July, a very brief post about a quote by a famous Malaysian Ustaz, "Berhati-hati memilih hati seseorang. Jangan sampai mencintai seseorang yang akhirnya akan melukai hati kita. (be careful in looking for somebody to love, do not love somebody that will one day hurt you.)". Maybe that was the moment he has finally moved on and found somebody to love. Reading his old posts hurts me a lot. I have hurt him so much that I will never get back together with him. He is a great man and he deserves someone who would not hurt him as much as I did. So do you have your answer now? You see, love is not all about having that someone. It means that you care about that person's happiness more than your own. If they are happier without you, why stay? Let them go.

Demanding?

It all started when ... chewahhhh. Sounded like the beginning of a fairy tale. Ahahaha okay, let's get back to the story. A few days ago, I went out with a friend of mine for supper. Then all of a sudden, he asked me what happened between me and my ex. For me, my usual answer is 'we didn't suit each other', 'we don't understand each other' or 'God has better plans for us'. But for him, that answer was just not enough. So he insisted to hear the reason. The 'real reason' according to him. He wanted the details. He wanted to know. So I said, 'I expected too much, I think'. Then he said 'I know what's the problem. You're too demanding'.

Whatdafak?? Ahahahaha

Okay, for me, the things I asked were simple. I just wanted to be cared about. To be loved. I want to feel those feelings. I mean, what's the point of being in a relationship if you don't feel the love or care? Better off alone, no? So when he said I was being too demanding, I was stunned. I thought to myself, was I?

Then a few days after, another person gave another point of view. He said, if someone really loves someone, he/she will go extra miles because it is nothing to compare to her/his love towards that someone. I had to agree on that. I'm the kind of person who will do anything for my love. Even if it means losing something, you know? It's what we call sacrifice. That's love. So if you're not ready to sacrifice for someone, that means you just don't love them enough. And love, it isn't necessarily for your only spouse. It is for everyone. It is for your neighbour, your friends and even for strangers.

In a love relationship, especially, if you're not ready to sacrifice, then you're not ready to have a life partner. And of course both parties have to do the same. I mean, it's give and take, no? However, it is also all about communication skill - to discuss what's best for each other. And back to my past relationship, I guess the main problem was miscommunication.

Just another one more piece of advice to the women out there. If someone says you're too demanding, don't be down. That just means you are a class of your own. Being alone doesn't mean you are lonely. You don't have to lower your expectation just because the men are too lazy to go for extra miles for you. Those men? They settle for cheap girls. So don't give a damn. Waitttttt, this piece of advice sounded more like it's for me. Ahahahahaha I was talking to myself, actually. :D

Adventure!

I have not been able to fill my life with adventurous things recently. My life was not dull, but not adventurous either. After being single again, I decided to fill my life with more adventurous things like I used to. As I told earlier in my previous entries, I registered myself for Ipoh Cycling Fun Ride which the total of distance for the two-days event is 90 kilometers. Maybe for some it is not adventurous. But for me, IT IS. Why? Because I don't cycle much. The last time I cycled was a year ago, and even that was not a serious one. I just cycled to go to work. It was only 10 kilometers per day. So this fun ride is huge. It's my first time cycling with other cyclists and for a long distance. Can I make it? I'm anxious yet excited. Ahahahaha

The next adventurous thing I'm going to do is travel to another country. I wanted to travel last year so I made my passport but never got the chance to. Since I have a week holiday on September, I decided to go to Krabi with my cousin. We are flying to Krabi from Kuala Lumpur and go back from Hat Yai by train. This is my first time travelling to another country so, YES, it is adventurous for me. It is just a relaxing trip because we are just going to chill at the beach and maybe some shopping at Hat Yai. Hope that everything's gonna be alright! Finger crossed!

Now, this one is another big adventurous thing for me. Ahahahaha I have climbed Mount Kinabalu before, about 9 years ago. Around that time, selfie was not that popular, or even taking pics. Maybe for you it is, but not for me. So there was only one pic of me at the peak of Mt Kinabalu and I don't even know where the hell is my climbing certificate. Some of my families did not have the chance to climb the mountain so we planned to go all together. The more, the merrier right? However, due to the time constraint, the plan did not go well since last year. So I decided to handle the planning since everybody else is busy (as if I have nothing to do). I mean, somebody has to step up to make this thing works. If we keep on waiting for each other to do something, then it will only be like waiting for money to fall down from the sky to me. So yesterday I made some calls and in the end found someone who can arrange it for me. However, I was told that the booking for next year has not opened yet but she will inform me as soon as the booking is made available. I told her the date I wanted and I felt relieved because now I know that we'll be climbing next year. However, I am not a patient woman, if you must know. If I want something, I want it straight away. Ahahahaha I know that is not a good trait but I have to admit, it's one of my weaknesses but sometimes it can be my strength too. Then I asked the lady if there is any empty slots for this year. Surprisingly, there is! She said she can't fit a large group but a single slot is possible. I didn't waste my chance and I said yes right there, right then! Ahahaha now don't get me wrong. I didn't ditch my families. I'll be climbing this Dec as well as next year June. Amazing right?? Ahahaha then she told me that turned out there are another two empty slots so I asked my younger sis and younger bro to come along and they, of course, are excited to join too! Can't wait for these amazing things to happen! :D

Desperado.

After the breakup (again this topic. Sorry, peeps ahahaha), there were lots of attention given to me especially from the guys. At first, I was honored. Ahahaha  I mean, I have already forgotten that feeling of being flirted much because honestly, I don't usually stay single for long, and I AM NOT PROUD of that. After posting a lot of sad statuses regarding relationships on Facebook, it only took a few days after the breakup for the guys to take the hints that I am single and they started to get into the line. Like I said, at first I was honored. However, after a few days, I was annoyed. I mean, do I look that desperate to look for a relationship? Please. I also need time for myself. Facebook, Instagram, WeChat, Whatsapp, SMS, phone call - all means of communication were used to reach me. I felt so stressed out. It's like I don't have time for myself. When I don't reply, they'll keep haunting me with messages by messages until I reply. Can you believe that? Okay, I'm not trying to boast here. I'm not saying I'm pretty or cute or anything. It's just that I know very well. A girl with a broken heart usually means one thing for guys; they thought this girl is weak so it's gonna be easy for them to do anything to this girl. So listen out girls, we don't need men to stand up. All we need is time to heal and when the right time comes, the right man will appear. Don't rush. That's what I did in my previous relationships and look where has it gotten me? You better trust me.

And also I am not ready to be in relationships yet. Especially a serious one. I don't want to be hurt or hurt anyone else. I've had enough. My dad also likes to remind me every now and then; to not start any relationship until I have my own career. Ahahaha it's funny though. This is the first time in my whole life that he calls a lot. Before this, he'll be like calling me maybe once a month or every other months, but lately it was more frequently. Maybe he knows how affected I was with my recent breakup and he wants to make sure his baby girl will not be hurt badly like she is right now. There's always a silver lining in every cloud, ey?

I remembered the last time I came back home single, the aunts were so excited to introduce their sons and nephews and cousins and uncles to me. To the extent that one of them called my dad to ask whether it is possible to just arrange a marriage between me and her son. Can you believe that? Ahahaha so this time I don't think I should go back early to my hometown for my end of sem break. I'll find something else to do and got back to my hometown right before Christmas. However, this is just my early plans. I told my dad about it and he wasn't that keen of that. Of course, what father will be? He keeps telling me to go back soon and I keep telling him to come down here instead. Ahahahaha don't judge me. I miss him too. If possible I want to be with him all the time. I even followed him to work sometimes! Ahahaha and the people who work with him will talk a lot about how he talked a lot about me. Though most of the things I find embarrassing, I also felt happy because that means he thought a lot about me though we didn't talk much. I remembered sending him letters every now and then. Maybe I should send him another one soon. :)

I remembered last time when I had a huge fight with my sisters, my dad was the one who comforted me (all he did was listened to my cry actually but it was more than enough). I remembered when he called me and said, 'I know I shouldn't say this but out of all my daughters, I love you the most'. I remembered when we sat down drinking and talked about life. I remembered how he criticized me in front of me but complimented me in front of others. I am proud of having a father like him. He accepts my flaws, believes in me, has faith on me, he is just my everything. In the past, I believe, among all of his children I was the one with so much trouble (maybe even until now) and I hated him (because I never understood his love), we even argued once to the extent that I ignored him for almost half a year (I was terrible), but now I am the closest with him and I treasure our relationship. I love you, Mr Koh Eng Chuan. :)

Breakup

Okay, I know I talked about breakup a lot lately. Please, don't be annoyed. It's just that I didn't know who else to talk to about this. Why? Because I know they are bored listening to this too. And their responses were all gonna be like, 'oh, you'll find another', 'don't be sad', 'any guy who dumped you are a total moron', 'you should not even be in a serious relationship for a start', in short - all the things said just to make me feel better. You see, sometimes you just want to be heard. Not to be given some common advice.

Anyway, this recent breakup is actually kind of big and different to me. Why? Because we were actually engaged! It was not official yet because we tried looking for the date but both parents knew and we have bought the ring for the engagement. We bought an apartment. We threw a housewarming party. We made loan for our future. We prepared almost everything. And when you're engaged, and you're a woman, you planned for the wedding as well. So being a typical woman, I planned for the wedding too. I have checked out the wedding dresses, I knew what I want, I went to some bridal shops, picked a few wedding invitation cards, picked the wedding theme, visit some places for the wedding to be organized, analyze budget, sign up for wedding websites, downloaded apps for wedding planning, just name it - I'll have it. I didn't do it alone. Most of the decisions were made by both of us. I mean we're the one who were getting married. So can you imagine how big it was? Yes, it was huge.I can say that we were ready, not just for the wedding, but for our future as well. So we thought we were ready for everything; physically, financially, spiritually.. and little did we know, we are not emotionally ready for each other, for our marriage.

So now you see? How this breakup is different from my other breakups? But after all the storm, I can actually see the light now. I mean, I've taken too much responsibility for my age. For fuck's sake, I worked and looked for every opportunities I can to earn money when I was always told to relax and focus on my study. We (my ex-fiance and I) bought an apartment in which we agreed he will settle the deposit and few other stuff while I'll settle monthly payment and maintenance, when being a student I shouldn't even think of owning an apartment. I refuse to take money from my parents wherever possible, when I can just ask anytime I want. I need to take a break. I need to let go of some responsibilities that I shouldn't take in the first place. I need to act like my real age. I need to stop growing up for a while. I have been a grown up lady since Form 4, taking responsibilities into my own hand. It's not time to be responsible, YET. So can you see what I see? I see freedom! AHAHAHAHA so that's the light for me.

I remembered when I told people around I am engaged, people keep telling me that I am still young, that I should enjoy the world, that I should enjoy my single moment, that I should see what other options do I have, that it is not that time yet. But I always ignored them by saying the sooner I got married, the more time I will have to spend with my spouse. Well, I guess this time I was wrong. They were right. Another light for me. :)

However, if any of you guys are thinking of getting married around my age (early 20's), don't listen to me or anybody else. Listen to what your heart has to say. I never said it is wrong to get married in such an early age. It just that it didn't work for me. What didn't work for me might work for you. Okay?

Just a quote for the day:
Some things need to fall apart to make ways for better things. (Zoey, How I Met Your Mother - Season 6, Episode 17)

Trust

Have you had your driving license? Do you notice the changes in you before and after you know how to drive? You might have a lot of answers for that but I assure you, the one that I’m about to tell you is going to blow your mind.

Remember when you were young? When you’re just six or seven years old? When you had to be accompanied by your parents everywhere you went? At that time, you did not know the direction to go somewhere nor did you know how to drive. All you knew is to sit down and trust your father. Whether he drove fast or slow, he was using another way or not, he was talking on the phone or not, you just sat down quietly. Why? Because you trusted your father. You knew how much he loves you and that you will be safe as long as he is around. What about today? After you know how to drive? Be honest. Have you ever told your dad to slow down the car? Or drive faster? Or go a little bit to the left? And a little bit to the right? Or brake earlier? Or use another way? I believe all of us have done at least one that I have mentioned. Why? Because we already know how to drive and we thought we know everything. Suddenly, we do not trust other drivers anymore. We do not trust our dads anymore.

You see, that is what happened to us today. As we grow up, we started to have doubts in God. We thought we know better. When we were young, we have never questioned Him. We trusted him because we know wherever ways He took us and whatever ways He did it; He did it for the best of us. However, as we experience the things around us, we suddenly thought we know better. We ignore His love, His way and His judgment. We started to doubt. When we ask something from Him, we ask ourselves, ‘Is He listening?’, ‘does He care?’, ‘why is my life like this?’ and even ask, ‘is there God?’. When we ask something from Him, we forgotten that He does listen and He does care. He might take a longer ride with you, a different road than the one you expected. It is just simply, maybe, it is not the right time to give us what we want, or He has something else better than the one we asked. He always has a better plan for us. All we need to do is to trust Him.

So if today you feel down and think that nobody is there for you, remember this; God is there and has always been there for you. Be strong because “He hears your prayer, He feels your pain and He knows you try so hard to overcome this endless fight. Just don’t give up” (Jayesslee, Failure in Disguise).

Post-breakup Activities

After a breakup, most people will do a lot of stuff just to forget about it whenever possible. Some try to look for a new person to fill that hole in, some start new habit, some just broke down and cried, some stay home, some can't stand to be home, some spend their time with their friends, some just want to be left alone, in short; most of us just try to do something, keep ourselves busy to make sure we will not think about the breakup much because it hurts a lot. However, some just continue their old routine as if nothing ever happened. What about me? Well, I have to say that I fall into the first category.

I try to make myself tired so that I will not think about the breakup during the day and will be able to sleep at night. I planned my future activities in order to keep my mind busy thinking of what should be done next and determining what my goals are.

For these two months, I don't actually have to plan anything to keep myself busy because I am already busy teaching the kids in school. However, like usual, things keep coming to me and what I usually do? I just say yes! Ahahaha so for a one week holiday starting this coming weekend, I will be busy working at McDonald because my manager called and asked if I could lend a hand. Of course I said yes! Because I'll be able to keep myself busy and get money from that. Ahahaha in fact, I'll start my practical (have to practice my skill in working there because it's been almost a year after I quit) tomorrowwwww! Can you believe that? Ahahaha

Then, the next holiday will be on September. I will most probably go for a cycling (fun ride) in Taiping and Ipoh, Perak. It is a two-days event and I am just waiting for my other two friends to confirm. Once they have confirmed, we will register our names straight away and I can't wait for that! To be honest, this is gonna be my first time cycling that far (if I could make it to the end) because the total kilometers I'll be cycling is 90km! Ahahahaha On the first day, it will be at Taiping (35km) and the second day will be at Ipoh (55km). When I first told my friends about this idea, one of them actually said, 'you're crying in your room just because you've had a rough breakup? Bitch please, I go out and cycle like mad because I've had a rough breakup. Lala's logic'. AHAHAHAHAHA anyway, if there's any one of you who are interested to join this event, you can just click on this link and check it out. The registration has just opened last few days. :) - http://www.mica.com.my/

After that, I will have another few days to spare. I was thinking of having a vacation in an island but then I will start thinking a lot as well as I'll be spending my time all alone. Wanted to go for shopping but is boring. So, any ideas what should I do?

Then, come the lonnnggggggg holidayyyyy starting late November until early January. I actually thought of joining my French friend, to Iran, for some volunteering programs but the ticket is so damn expensive! If you're reading this, Yogo, I am very sorry. Huhu then I asked around, and a friend from India said there is a volunteering program in India (Mother Teresa Mission Charity) but he said he couldn't join me as he is going to be busy with exam around that time, and he wouldn't let me do it alone just because he thinks it is dangerous. Sigh.. I hate you, Shamin. And I am sorry if you're reading this. Ahahahaha so I thought of volunteering in Cambodia. Too bad, right now they are not taking any volunteers. Then my friend said I should help out his mom to handle some charity programs in Sabah. I was like, okay, that sounds good. However, his mom attends the same church with my ex's family, and I don't think it is a good idea to be involved that much with his family right now. I mean, how can I forget if I keep seeing them? That's one of the reason I didn't want to go back my hometown that soon for my year-end holiday anyway. You know what, I just can't believe how much trouble do I have to go through just to volunteer! Ahahaha so now I thought I'll just find some volunteer programs around Malaysia because I'm more familiar with my own country and plus I should put my country first when it comes to volunteering what. Right?

So that's about now. Just a reminder to everyone who just had their breakups, "some things need to fall apart to make way for better things" (Zoey from How I Met Your Mother). :)

How I Met Your Father

Dayyymmmmmmnnnnnnnn (say it in a two-syllable damn) !! Haven't updated this blog in like forever! I knew that but I only realized that after I received an email from my French friend asking when am I going to update about what's happening in my life because he has not met me in a while. So yeah, I'm here.

Let's get back to the post's title. I bet you've watched How I Met Your Mother before. It is about how relationships come and go for Ted, the main character, before he actually met the mother of his children. So this post is another version of it, where I'll be the main character. (Well, I am the writer, anyway. Ahahahaha) Before I start, I'd like to remind you that this post is gonna be long and talks about breakups (mostly). Maybe to some, breakups are okay, but still most of us find it rather depressing, devastating and all the negative adjectives that can be found to describe breakups. For me breakups suck but not until I realized that others actually thought I am ALWAYS doing great after a breakup. Well, you guys are totally wrong. Now here's the story:

My friends and I were talking casually when they suddenly talked about breakups. About how they broke down so terribly it was so difficult for them to stand back on their own feet. Then one of them looked at me and asked, "I bet you have never experienced this". I was like, WHAAATTTTTTTT?? That was an extremely blunt accusation! And I totally couldn't accept it! Ahahaha you see, I am a woman and I have a very soft heart. I get angry and upset very fast especially when it comes to the day of the month. I am ridiculously sensitive especially to people that I love. So, you see. I am as normal as a woman can be.

So let me tell you about my breakups experiences. The first one; when I was 13 years old. Now, don't judge me. Yes, I was involved in love relationships at a very young age. Since he was my first boyfriend, I thought I was so madly in love. Mind you, when I was at that age, I didn't know how to dress up. I wore boys' shorts, I tied all my hair to the back (without any styles) and I was nothing. So my boyfriend at that time maybe wanted something more so he cheated on me. Twice. With the same girl. Take that! Ahahahaha I was so frustrated that I started to look at myself at the mirror. I thought, 'hey that girl needs a change in appearance'. So I did. I started wearing short denims, skirts, dresses, even 4-inch heels! And it paid well. My boyfriend came back to me saying how sorry he was and that he wanted to get back together but you see, the power was in my hand. So though I still had so much feelings for him, my ego put away all those feelings right there right then and I proudly said NO. You thought it was easy? No, I actually cried each time I hear our songs on the radio until I was 16. YES, it was that difficult.

Now, to the second breakups. It was a long-distance relationship so it was kind of difficult. It got even more difficult when we contacted each other less. We met each other like once a year and he only replied my text message (in average) once a week. Imagine calling. He wouldn't even bother calling me. But I was blind. So I waited. Up until one time, a friend made me realize how stupid I was that at last, I broke up with him. We actually broke up a few times but he successfully talked to me that I'd agree to stay with him. Those first few breakups made me cry like a baby but the last breakup? I actually felt relieved because I knew that was so gonna be the last one we'll ever be together. Can you see how every breakups made me stronger? Also, smarter? Ahahahaha

Next we go on to the third one. He was a charm. He took care of me. He was like a prince to me though he has a dark skin. Ahahaha not being racist here, but in the fairy tales, the princes always have fair skin! So I almost thought that he was the one (I was only 17 back then), until I saw he was texting a girl he always claimed as his childhood friend (saying it in a way that he is not even a single bit interested in her) and they were talking about how they had a 'good time' in the car 'last night' (you know what I mean). I was so upset! I mean who wouldn't right? So I broke up with him and suddenly he pointed out all weaknesses that I had to the extent that I was the one who felt wrong back then. To think about it now, I was so easily manipulated. Stupid. No, it's more like MORON. How did I deal with the breakup? I drank in front of my TV alone (I was living alone back then), I started smoking and I stopped focusing on my studies. Yes, that's how terrible my life was after the breakup.

Then, came an angel. Ahahahaha he stepped into my life when he saw how broken I was. He got me back to my own two feet and before I knew it, I was already flying. He was like the perfect man ever invented by God and this time I have to tell you that I was wrong. You see, after all the reasons that had caused my breakups before, I started to look at men as worthless human being. For me, all of them are just the same. So, I didn't appreciate them much. All they know is to hurt others. But boy was I wrong. This guy was so perfect and I just blew him away like that. He did his best to win me and I was in love. But it was just too scary to fall in love again. I remembered that time when he was busy preparing for his exam. It was important because he needed to pass the exam to be in the medics. He is crazy about being a doctor. It's like he had planned it much earlier. Wait. It was us. We planned it that way because I wanted to be a pharmacist and have my own pharmacy. That was the dream we created. The plan we wanted to have. However, as time went by, I realized that having a diploma in pharmacy won't take me anywhere especially when I was studying in a government sector. Then, education course offered me a degree. I hesitated but because of the degree, I thought 'well, that should be good. I mean good salary, secured job. What the hell, right?'. Andddd there came the problem. We drifted apart as our goal changed. I started to doubt him due to our long-distance relationship. It was difficult because I didn't understand our different schedule anymore. I slept early, went to class on working hours, an exam per semester but his was totally different. He went to bed like early mornings, went to class (even at night) and it's like he just had exam every week! So these differences in lifestyles had actually caused me to doubt him. I started to ask myself, is he really studying till late at night? Is he really having a class at night? Is he really having exams every week that he was so busy studying? Those questions killed me everyday. Also, due to my past relationships, I started to become phobia. Most of them cheated on me so it was difficult to really really put my trust on men. Sighhh.. we argued almost everyday till one day I just couldn't take it anymore so we broke up. But the last thing he said to me was so heartbreaking that I will always remember it to this day. He said, "sweetheart, I'm sorry I work too hard for our future". It's sad, isn't it? I was being selfish.

Let's move on to the next relationship. Well, this one is rather different. Why? Because we didn't break up just because we chose to. We broke up because we had to. We couldn't be together. You see, if you are following my blog, you'll know that in my country, a Muslim cannot get married with a non-Muslim. One of them has to convert. And in my case, usually the non-Muslims are the one who have to convert. So when I meet this guy, it is almost like in the movies. We were from different states, met in a small island. We studied in a college together until a month later I was offered another course and so I left. Eventually, he moved too because he was also offered another better course. We did contact each other after that. Almost everyday, every night. Until again, I was offered another course. I was so excited because it was the same course as his. So, I texted him and you know what happened next? Turned out we were going to study at the same college again! Wasn't that magical? I mean we knew each other at an island that both of us were not familiar with. Then, we met again in a state none of us know of. The magic didn't end there. I then continued my study at his college. However, he suddenly started to ignore me. We didn't talk to each other. It's like he was so 'busy' after I reached, when before this he had always got his time for me. I knew I wasn't his girlfriend but still he can treat me like his best friend. I mean we were. We were so close back in our previous college to the extent that people thought we were dating (actually, I was hoping the same too). Ahahahaha I felt so betrayed, I was so mad and I said to myself, 'hell no, no one is going to hurt Lala ever again'. So I stopped contacting him for like a year until the magic appeared once again. I was on a holiday with my girlfriend in Cameron Highland when I accidentally bumped into him in the middle of the road. I was walking on the pavement with my girlfriend, when he was driving with his friends. I didn't know how but we just saw each other. Later that night he called me and asked whether we can meet up. So we met up and talked about nothing and everything. He explained about his awkwardness towards the beginning and blah blah blah. We actually talked until we could see the sunlight. It was seriously like a dream to me. It was wonderful. It actually made me wonder, were we made for each other? I mean, who wouldn't think that way? It's like God created a pathway so that we will keep bumping at each other. So we were sooooo madly in love until one day I made a terrible mistake. I invited him to my sister's wedding. My family got to know that I was in a relationship with a Muslim guy and I was asked, straight away, to leave him. I was so frustrated. But what can I do? I love my God and I love my family. I was condemned, blackmailed and all the negative verbs were done to me. I asked him if he wants to convert to my religion but he insisted me to convert to his instead. We got into a huge argument and in the end we just decided to let go. It was the toughest decision I have ever made. I cried myself to bed everyday on that particular month we broke up, I watched our movie that we had made for each other with all the pics we collected since 3 years before, I drank beer whenever I was left alone (which is almost everytime), and in the end I even decided to suicide (not only decided, I actually tried but I was a coward I tried to save myself in the end). Did you see how bad I handle breakups? I may look strong to you but I am just exactly like you guys. I may look happy to you because you haven't seen me in my room trying to end my life. I have to admit. No matter how hard-headed a girl I seem to look, I am still a weak girl, that needs a man to hold me strong (which always, in my case, is my father).

Getting bored, ey? Well, this one gonna be the last breakup I'm gonna share with you. So sit up straight. Ahahahaha this guy? I had never imagined to be with someone like him. Why?
1. He is a guy in a uniform (for me people who work in army, airforce, navy, police, are all could not be trusted. Well, I have plenty of reasons which I'll go to that later)
2. He works in West Malaysia (I've been wanting to work in rural areas back in my own state, to serve my people)
3. A very strong government supporter (I am more to the opposition)
4. Humble isn't something he lives up to (he compliments himself more than he compliments others. Well maybe it's good but I live in humility and being humble is my way of life)
5. He uses high tone/pitch when he talks to the family (it made me into thinking, how is he going to be the head of the family if he is going to shout at everybody?)

But my aunt set us up as she thought we were best for each other. You know, the concept of Yin and Yang. So we tried. At first it was awkward. I mean we barely knew each other. But then, surprisingly it got better quite fast. Our parents arranged us to get married as soon as possible, and before I know it, we already bought our engagement rings, own a car as well as an apartment! We were a practical couple. We did things for our future and it was so perfect! I was happy, he was happy, but little did we realize, we were focusing too much in making our future so perfect that we forgot we need to live our present life first in order to grab the future. So when we started focusing on our future, we stopped living in the present. There was not much of memorable dates or that cheesy romantic dinner. It was all about plans and plans and plans about our future. When we go out it'll be talking of which paint to buy for the apartment, what to put in the kitchen, what kind of sofa to be in the living room, do we need TV or not. These things became more important than having our time together. Then, his father started to interfere. Of course, having a good relationship with your father is good. But to the extent that you share all the things that only a couple should share is too much. It was frustrating. I mean, why want to talk to others when you can just say it to each other? Though in movies they always portray that girls talk about their boyfriends' weaknesses all the time, it doesn't happen in reality. We only brag about our boyfriends. We don't talk much about our problems because it should be private. So slowly, we began to argue more and more. Oh and another thing, both of us didn't say out loud about what we felt towards each other. That was another problem. We kept it to ourselves and tried giving hints as if our partner is a mind-reader. This became another problem. All of these things, at last, went to the surface and killed the relationship. I'd prefer to admit that I was wrong because I was such an arse and everybody told me so. I tried talking to him, which was the first time for me. I mean, I have never talked a guy into getting back together with me. For me, what's gone is gone. I don't look back anymore. But this time, I tried. Twice. And he wouldn't listen so I guess that was the end of it. We broke up (more to he broke up with me) and to compare to my previous breakup, I accepted it more openheartedly. Maybe because the previous one, there was nothing we could do to be together even if we love each other so much. But this one? We can actually work on it together but he chose not to. So it was a decision that he made and after trying to change his decision twice, I guess God just has a better plan for me. Of course I was still affected with the breakup. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat much (I lost 3 kgs in just a week) and I kept myself home whenever possible. It was tough.

Now, kids. Wondering how I met your father? Keep on wondering because the story is gonna be long. I'm still young and I guess there will be more to come. So, wait for another episode. Ahahahahaha

Love

Love is simple.

I love you, you love me.

But to be with someone you love is not as simple as that.

There will always be challenges, barriers that won't go.

They are so strong that they make you feel weak.

They make you feel like giving up.

They suffocate you.

They kill you.

Slowly.

Love is beautiful.

When you start loving someone, the world feels like heaven.

But love can be deceiving.

It hurts thousands of people.

Loving someone means you are ready to be hurt.

It means you are ready to fall apart.

It means crying is going to be a part of your life.

It means a litre of tears.

I wish love is like a fairytale.

Where there is only a witch and her plans.

Where there is a man with his true love.

Where there is no other.

Where there is no lie.

Where there is no religion.

Where there is only you and me.

Yeah, I wish.

I really wish.

I wish love is like how they described it in love songs.

'I won't give up', says Jason Mraz.

To be 'Crazy in love' like Beyonce.

To 'Love you inside out' says Bee Gees.

Because Barry White 'can't get enough of your love, babe'.

Always be 'close to you', says The Carpenters.

Because Ray Charles know 'I can't stop loving you'.

Trust me, these are the words I really want you to hear.

I really want you to know.

I really do.

:'(

Time.

A good story I just need to share:

***

It was a beautiful morning. A good day for a walk. A good day to talk. A good day for a great breakfast. In fact, it was almost a perfect morning. That was what she thought. Or maybe what she hoped. Or maybe what she wanted. Then, that was when everything went wrong. He started digging her past. Asking her about the past. The past which she tried hard to forget. The past which she wanted to run away from. The past which tore her heart apart.

"Who is he?" he asked with a heavy tone. A restless tone.

"It's him, my ex," she answered. Not wanting to keep secret. "I told you about him. Why'd you ask?"

"I saw your pictures last night. With him," he stopped.

"And?" she tried to figure what he's trying to say.

"And you looked happy in the picture," he added.

His sentence rendered her speechless. The memories of him started to play like a video-tape in her mind without her realizing. She then remembered how happy she was with him. How the world felt like when she was with him. How life was when she was with him. And a tear almost rolled out of her eyes when he started asking again, "do you miss him?"

She knew the answer right away. But she refused to answer. She didn't want to answer.

"Why did the two of you broke up?" he asked again. This time, she knew he wanted answer.

She gained all the strength she had and started spitting out the truth.

"It was my fault. If there is someone to blame, it should be me," she paused and then continued with a heavy tone, "I couldn't stand it anymore. I feel lonely. I feel ignored. But it was never his fault. He was trying hard for our future. I knew that. But if that is how we're going to live now and for the next 10 or 15 or 20 years more, I don't think I can stand it. Better end it now than later, right?" She tried not to cry.

He kept quiet, trying to digest what he just heard.

But her, she started recalling those time when they were still together. All the questions he asked bring her to the times, those happy ones, when she was with him. She then started to ask herself, 'was it a mistake?', 'should I make it up?', and the list went on. She was lost in her own world, didn't know what to do.

He shouldn't have asked. He shouldn't have reminded her of those days. He shouldn't have brought back those memories. He shouldn't have. No, he shouldn't. 

But back in her apartment, she knew she needed to be strong. 'It is just a phase in forgetting someone,' she tried to convince herself. She didn't want any doubt no more. She wanted to forget the past, and live in her new world. She told herself, being single won't harm her in any way. Love? It was just a fairy tale. Well, at least for her.

***

A story taken from a book titled "Single or Couple?".

Nice story. ^^

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Love is patient,

love is kind.

It does not envy,

it does not boast,

it is not proud.

It is not rude,

it is not self-seeking,

it is not easily angered,

it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Wedding!

It's December and everyone is getting married!!

Ahahahaha

Does that mean I have to start thinking of getting married?? ^^

So, my aunt, Ruhana, had officially killed her freedom for a man called Jay Pee Evanez. Ehehe

By the way, I mean it in a good way. Congratz aunt!!

I was the bridesmaid that day. More to 'unofficial bridesmaid'. Ahahaha

There were awkward moments as I wasn't the one who should be there. I was just a replacement. But I tried. ^^

Here are some pics taken that day:

From ur left: Lydrievva Koh, Lydrizza Koh, Lydrianna Koh, Mr and Mrs Evanez, Lydriecca Koh, Lydrielyn Koh (me) and Lydrinnie Koh

Lydrielyn Koh @ Lala (Me)

Me again! ^^

Me and my ex-schoolmates!

I know you might be thinking, who are those girls that were with me in the first pic. They are my beloved sisters!! ^^

Amazing!

I felt amazing!

Why?

Only God knows. ^^

It's been a while since I uploaded a picture of mine.

Well, I haven't change much.

My hair is still of the same length. Sigh.

Feels like want to cut it short back again but then I really wanna have a long hair.

It's been like forever I had kept my hair short.

Today, again I read the novel 'A Walk To Remember' by my sweetheart, Nicholas Sparks. It just amazed me so I can't help it but to read the whole story over and over again. Trust me, you won't regret reading it.

This is the novel cover.

Me with A Walk To Remember ^^

Don't judge me, judge the book. Ahahaha

The story is about high school sweetheart. Also about the bonds between the family and frinedship. I really wanna tell you the story but it will be much better if you read it yourself. Before I read the novel, Nicholas warned me that if I proceed in reading the novel, I will cry. And I did. So now I'm warning you; you will cry after reading the novel. Don't believe me? Well, read it. :)