Demanding?

It all started when ... chewahhhh. Sounded like the beginning of a fairy tale. Ahahaha okay, let's get back to the story. A few days ago, I went out with a friend of mine for supper. Then all of a sudden, he asked me what happened between me and my ex. For me, my usual answer is 'we didn't suit each other', 'we don't understand each other' or 'God has better plans for us'. But for him, that answer was just not enough. So he insisted to hear the reason. The 'real reason' according to him. He wanted the details. He wanted to know. So I said, 'I expected too much, I think'. Then he said 'I know what's the problem. You're too demanding'.

Whatdafak?? Ahahahaha

Okay, for me, the things I asked were simple. I just wanted to be cared about. To be loved. I want to feel those feelings. I mean, what's the point of being in a relationship if you don't feel the love or care? Better off alone, no? So when he said I was being too demanding, I was stunned. I thought to myself, was I?

Then a few days after, another person gave another point of view. He said, if someone really loves someone, he/she will go extra miles because it is nothing to compare to her/his love towards that someone. I had to agree on that. I'm the kind of person who will do anything for my love. Even if it means losing something, you know? It's what we call sacrifice. That's love. So if you're not ready to sacrifice for someone, that means you just don't love them enough. And love, it isn't necessarily for your only spouse. It is for everyone. It is for your neighbour, your friends and even for strangers.

In a love relationship, especially, if you're not ready to sacrifice, then you're not ready to have a life partner. And of course both parties have to do the same. I mean, it's give and take, no? However, it is also all about communication skill - to discuss what's best for each other. And back to my past relationship, I guess the main problem was miscommunication.

Just another one more piece of advice to the women out there. If someone says you're too demanding, don't be down. That just means you are a class of your own. Being alone doesn't mean you are lonely. You don't have to lower your expectation just because the men are too lazy to go for extra miles for you. Those men? They settle for cheap girls. So don't give a damn. Waitttttt, this piece of advice sounded more like it's for me. Ahahahahaha I was talking to myself, actually. :D

Breakup

Okay, I know I talked about breakup a lot lately. Please, don't be annoyed. It's just that I didn't know who else to talk to about this. Why? Because I know they are bored listening to this too. And their responses were all gonna be like, 'oh, you'll find another', 'don't be sad', 'any guy who dumped you are a total moron', 'you should not even be in a serious relationship for a start', in short - all the things said just to make me feel better. You see, sometimes you just want to be heard. Not to be given some common advice.

Anyway, this recent breakup is actually kind of big and different to me. Why? Because we were actually engaged! It was not official yet because we tried looking for the date but both parents knew and we have bought the ring for the engagement. We bought an apartment. We threw a housewarming party. We made loan for our future. We prepared almost everything. And when you're engaged, and you're a woman, you planned for the wedding as well. So being a typical woman, I planned for the wedding too. I have checked out the wedding dresses, I knew what I want, I went to some bridal shops, picked a few wedding invitation cards, picked the wedding theme, visit some places for the wedding to be organized, analyze budget, sign up for wedding websites, downloaded apps for wedding planning, just name it - I'll have it. I didn't do it alone. Most of the decisions were made by both of us. I mean we're the one who were getting married. So can you imagine how big it was? Yes, it was huge.I can say that we were ready, not just for the wedding, but for our future as well. So we thought we were ready for everything; physically, financially, spiritually.. and little did we know, we are not emotionally ready for each other, for our marriage.

So now you see? How this breakup is different from my other breakups? But after all the storm, I can actually see the light now. I mean, I've taken too much responsibility for my age. For fuck's sake, I worked and looked for every opportunities I can to earn money when I was always told to relax and focus on my study. We (my ex-fiance and I) bought an apartment in which we agreed he will settle the deposit and few other stuff while I'll settle monthly payment and maintenance, when being a student I shouldn't even think of owning an apartment. I refuse to take money from my parents wherever possible, when I can just ask anytime I want. I need to take a break. I need to let go of some responsibilities that I shouldn't take in the first place. I need to act like my real age. I need to stop growing up for a while. I have been a grown up lady since Form 4, taking responsibilities into my own hand. It's not time to be responsible, YET. So can you see what I see? I see freedom! AHAHAHAHA so that's the light for me.

I remembered when I told people around I am engaged, people keep telling me that I am still young, that I should enjoy the world, that I should enjoy my single moment, that I should see what other options do I have, that it is not that time yet. But I always ignored them by saying the sooner I got married, the more time I will have to spend with my spouse. Well, I guess this time I was wrong. They were right. Another light for me. :)

However, if any of you guys are thinking of getting married around my age (early 20's), don't listen to me or anybody else. Listen to what your heart has to say. I never said it is wrong to get married in such an early age. It just that it didn't work for me. What didn't work for me might work for you. Okay?

Just a quote for the day:
Some things need to fall apart to make ways for better things. (Zoey, How I Met Your Mother - Season 6, Episode 17)

Post-breakup Activities

After a breakup, most people will do a lot of stuff just to forget about it whenever possible. Some try to look for a new person to fill that hole in, some start new habit, some just broke down and cried, some stay home, some can't stand to be home, some spend their time with their friends, some just want to be left alone, in short; most of us just try to do something, keep ourselves busy to make sure we will not think about the breakup much because it hurts a lot. However, some just continue their old routine as if nothing ever happened. What about me? Well, I have to say that I fall into the first category.

I try to make myself tired so that I will not think about the breakup during the day and will be able to sleep at night. I planned my future activities in order to keep my mind busy thinking of what should be done next and determining what my goals are.

For these two months, I don't actually have to plan anything to keep myself busy because I am already busy teaching the kids in school. However, like usual, things keep coming to me and what I usually do? I just say yes! Ahahaha so for a one week holiday starting this coming weekend, I will be busy working at McDonald because my manager called and asked if I could lend a hand. Of course I said yes! Because I'll be able to keep myself busy and get money from that. Ahahaha in fact, I'll start my practical (have to practice my skill in working there because it's been almost a year after I quit) tomorrowwwww! Can you believe that? Ahahaha

Then, the next holiday will be on September. I will most probably go for a cycling (fun ride) in Taiping and Ipoh, Perak. It is a two-days event and I am just waiting for my other two friends to confirm. Once they have confirmed, we will register our names straight away and I can't wait for that! To be honest, this is gonna be my first time cycling that far (if I could make it to the end) because the total kilometers I'll be cycling is 90km! Ahahahaha On the first day, it will be at Taiping (35km) and the second day will be at Ipoh (55km). When I first told my friends about this idea, one of them actually said, 'you're crying in your room just because you've had a rough breakup? Bitch please, I go out and cycle like mad because I've had a rough breakup. Lala's logic'. AHAHAHAHAHA anyway, if there's any one of you who are interested to join this event, you can just click on this link and check it out. The registration has just opened last few days. :) - http://www.mica.com.my/

After that, I will have another few days to spare. I was thinking of having a vacation in an island but then I will start thinking a lot as well as I'll be spending my time all alone. Wanted to go for shopping but is boring. So, any ideas what should I do?

Then, come the lonnnggggggg holidayyyyy starting late November until early January. I actually thought of joining my French friend, to Iran, for some volunteering programs but the ticket is so damn expensive! If you're reading this, Yogo, I am very sorry. Huhu then I asked around, and a friend from India said there is a volunteering program in India (Mother Teresa Mission Charity) but he said he couldn't join me as he is going to be busy with exam around that time, and he wouldn't let me do it alone just because he thinks it is dangerous. Sigh.. I hate you, Shamin. And I am sorry if you're reading this. Ahahahaha so I thought of volunteering in Cambodia. Too bad, right now they are not taking any volunteers. Then my friend said I should help out his mom to handle some charity programs in Sabah. I was like, okay, that sounds good. However, his mom attends the same church with my ex's family, and I don't think it is a good idea to be involved that much with his family right now. I mean, how can I forget if I keep seeing them? That's one of the reason I didn't want to go back my hometown that soon for my year-end holiday anyway. You know what, I just can't believe how much trouble do I have to go through just to volunteer! Ahahaha so now I thought I'll just find some volunteer programs around Malaysia because I'm more familiar with my own country and plus I should put my country first when it comes to volunteering what. Right?

So that's about now. Just a reminder to everyone who just had their breakups, "some things need to fall apart to make way for better things" (Zoey from How I Met Your Mother). :)

Walking alone by Elma Mitchell

Our houses stand apart, and so

The time had come I had to go

Out from the fire, into the snow

-He would have come, but I said No.

I walk beyond the lights I know,

The busy poet's harmless glow,

The lovers curtained from the snow

-He would have come, but I said No.

No voices on the winds that blow,

No light house in the swiveling snow,

No flare, no flame, the way I go

-But heel and toe, and heel and toe.

A poem about the determined rejection of a man's love. Elma repeats the line 'He would have come, but I said No' to show how determined the woman is in rejecting him. We can say that the woman in the poem was once fallen deeply in love with the man, however she chooses to go 'out from the fire, into the snow' without a concrete reason. Based on the title itself, it is possible that the woman thinks it is better to walk alone even though there is 'no flare, no flame, the way [she] go'.

The imagery used in this poem is really strong. By giving us the winter season as Elma keeps repeating the word 'snow', we can sense that the feeling inside the woman is only coldness. She knows that the man will be there for her as she keeps saying 'He would have come' but yet she insisted in saying 'I said No.' It is maybe because of the coldness inside her is all over her that she finds herself impossible to be with him anymore. Ironically, from the first verse, she says 'the time had come, I had to go' which tells us that she doesn't exactly want to go. It's just that she HAS to go. Wow!

This poem amazed me. Seriously.

Sometimes, you wish you could stay but you just can't because you couldn't afford risking yourself to be hurt if you stayed.

Do I look emo enough? Ahahaha