2015

It's been long since I last blogged. Wow. And this is my first post in 2015. See, I rarely use my netbook if I am not in college studying or in school teaching. Without my ntbook, I won't be able to write any post. Using my iPhone is just not satisfying for me. Ahahaha

Anyway, last year, my life was just a total mess. Especially when my brother-in-law passed away. To be honest, he was the closest to me to compare to my other brother-in-laws. He made jokes a lot. He laughed a lot. He gave lots and lots of advice to me. It's like when I said I was going back, he will plan to party with our friends. We were friends even before he got to know my sister. So once he passed away, our whole family became lost. Such a huge impact. The loss was extremely difficult to be accepted. Imagine my sister. They were together since she was 15 and now she's 25. They were married for two years and their baby was just 3 months, the day he left - 30th of Nov 2014. Last Christmas was the first Christmas that all of us actually celebrated at home together. Trying our best to give support to each other, especially to my sister. I couldn't even handle a breakup. I just can't imagine if I was the one who were standing in her shoes at this very moment.

Too be honest, after my bro-in-law passed away, I somehow felt more alive than ever. It's like I'm living for the very first time in life. I appreciate life more and worry less (I don't know how long this will last) but everyday looks so beautiful now. Whatever I feel like doing, I'll just do it right at that moment. Why? Because there is no promise for tomorrow. I don't even know whether I'll be able to open my eyes tomorrow. Well every cloud has a silver lining, ey?

So live life, love life, people. :)

How I Met Your Father

Dayyymmmmmmnnnnnnnn (say it in a two-syllable damn) !! Haven't updated this blog in like forever! I knew that but I only realized that after I received an email from my French friend asking when am I going to update about what's happening in my life because he has not met me in a while. So yeah, I'm here.

Let's get back to the post's title. I bet you've watched How I Met Your Mother before. It is about how relationships come and go for Ted, the main character, before he actually met the mother of his children. So this post is another version of it, where I'll be the main character. (Well, I am the writer, anyway. Ahahahaha) Before I start, I'd like to remind you that this post is gonna be long and talks about breakups (mostly). Maybe to some, breakups are okay, but still most of us find it rather depressing, devastating and all the negative adjectives that can be found to describe breakups. For me breakups suck but not until I realized that others actually thought I am ALWAYS doing great after a breakup. Well, you guys are totally wrong. Now here's the story:

My friends and I were talking casually when they suddenly talked about breakups. About how they broke down so terribly it was so difficult for them to stand back on their own feet. Then one of them looked at me and asked, "I bet you have never experienced this". I was like, WHAAATTTTTTTT?? That was an extremely blunt accusation! And I totally couldn't accept it! Ahahaha you see, I am a woman and I have a very soft heart. I get angry and upset very fast especially when it comes to the day of the month. I am ridiculously sensitive especially to people that I love. So, you see. I am as normal as a woman can be.

So let me tell you about my breakups experiences. The first one; when I was 13 years old. Now, don't judge me. Yes, I was involved in love relationships at a very young age. Since he was my first boyfriend, I thought I was so madly in love. Mind you, when I was at that age, I didn't know how to dress up. I wore boys' shorts, I tied all my hair to the back (without any styles) and I was nothing. So my boyfriend at that time maybe wanted something more so he cheated on me. Twice. With the same girl. Take that! Ahahahaha I was so frustrated that I started to look at myself at the mirror. I thought, 'hey that girl needs a change in appearance'. So I did. I started wearing short denims, skirts, dresses, even 4-inch heels! And it paid well. My boyfriend came back to me saying how sorry he was and that he wanted to get back together but you see, the power was in my hand. So though I still had so much feelings for him, my ego put away all those feelings right there right then and I proudly said NO. You thought it was easy? No, I actually cried each time I hear our songs on the radio until I was 16. YES, it was that difficult.

Now, to the second breakups. It was a long-distance relationship so it was kind of difficult. It got even more difficult when we contacted each other less. We met each other like once a year and he only replied my text message (in average) once a week. Imagine calling. He wouldn't even bother calling me. But I was blind. So I waited. Up until one time, a friend made me realize how stupid I was that at last, I broke up with him. We actually broke up a few times but he successfully talked to me that I'd agree to stay with him. Those first few breakups made me cry like a baby but the last breakup? I actually felt relieved because I knew that was so gonna be the last one we'll ever be together. Can you see how every breakups made me stronger? Also, smarter? Ahahahaha

Next we go on to the third one. He was a charm. He took care of me. He was like a prince to me though he has a dark skin. Ahahaha not being racist here, but in the fairy tales, the princes always have fair skin! So I almost thought that he was the one (I was only 17 back then), until I saw he was texting a girl he always claimed as his childhood friend (saying it in a way that he is not even a single bit interested in her) and they were talking about how they had a 'good time' in the car 'last night' (you know what I mean). I was so upset! I mean who wouldn't right? So I broke up with him and suddenly he pointed out all weaknesses that I had to the extent that I was the one who felt wrong back then. To think about it now, I was so easily manipulated. Stupid. No, it's more like MORON. How did I deal with the breakup? I drank in front of my TV alone (I was living alone back then), I started smoking and I stopped focusing on my studies. Yes, that's how terrible my life was after the breakup.

Then, came an angel. Ahahahaha he stepped into my life when he saw how broken I was. He got me back to my own two feet and before I knew it, I was already flying. He was like the perfect man ever invented by God and this time I have to tell you that I was wrong. You see, after all the reasons that had caused my breakups before, I started to look at men as worthless human being. For me, all of them are just the same. So, I didn't appreciate them much. All they know is to hurt others. But boy was I wrong. This guy was so perfect and I just blew him away like that. He did his best to win me and I was in love. But it was just too scary to fall in love again. I remembered that time when he was busy preparing for his exam. It was important because he needed to pass the exam to be in the medics. He is crazy about being a doctor. It's like he had planned it much earlier. Wait. It was us. We planned it that way because I wanted to be a pharmacist and have my own pharmacy. That was the dream we created. The plan we wanted to have. However, as time went by, I realized that having a diploma in pharmacy won't take me anywhere especially when I was studying in a government sector. Then, education course offered me a degree. I hesitated but because of the degree, I thought 'well, that should be good. I mean good salary, secured job. What the hell, right?'. Andddd there came the problem. We drifted apart as our goal changed. I started to doubt him due to our long-distance relationship. It was difficult because I didn't understand our different schedule anymore. I slept early, went to class on working hours, an exam per semester but his was totally different. He went to bed like early mornings, went to class (even at night) and it's like he just had exam every week! So these differences in lifestyles had actually caused me to doubt him. I started to ask myself, is he really studying till late at night? Is he really having a class at night? Is he really having exams every week that he was so busy studying? Those questions killed me everyday. Also, due to my past relationships, I started to become phobia. Most of them cheated on me so it was difficult to really really put my trust on men. Sighhh.. we argued almost everyday till one day I just couldn't take it anymore so we broke up. But the last thing he said to me was so heartbreaking that I will always remember it to this day. He said, "sweetheart, I'm sorry I work too hard for our future". It's sad, isn't it? I was being selfish.

Let's move on to the next relationship. Well, this one is rather different. Why? Because we didn't break up just because we chose to. We broke up because we had to. We couldn't be together. You see, if you are following my blog, you'll know that in my country, a Muslim cannot get married with a non-Muslim. One of them has to convert. And in my case, usually the non-Muslims are the one who have to convert. So when I meet this guy, it is almost like in the movies. We were from different states, met in a small island. We studied in a college together until a month later I was offered another course and so I left. Eventually, he moved too because he was also offered another better course. We did contact each other after that. Almost everyday, every night. Until again, I was offered another course. I was so excited because it was the same course as his. So, I texted him and you know what happened next? Turned out we were going to study at the same college again! Wasn't that magical? I mean we knew each other at an island that both of us were not familiar with. Then, we met again in a state none of us know of. The magic didn't end there. I then continued my study at his college. However, he suddenly started to ignore me. We didn't talk to each other. It's like he was so 'busy' after I reached, when before this he had always got his time for me. I knew I wasn't his girlfriend but still he can treat me like his best friend. I mean we were. We were so close back in our previous college to the extent that people thought we were dating (actually, I was hoping the same too). Ahahahaha I felt so betrayed, I was so mad and I said to myself, 'hell no, no one is going to hurt Lala ever again'. So I stopped contacting him for like a year until the magic appeared once again. I was on a holiday with my girlfriend in Cameron Highland when I accidentally bumped into him in the middle of the road. I was walking on the pavement with my girlfriend, when he was driving with his friends. I didn't know how but we just saw each other. Later that night he called me and asked whether we can meet up. So we met up and talked about nothing and everything. He explained about his awkwardness towards the beginning and blah blah blah. We actually talked until we could see the sunlight. It was seriously like a dream to me. It was wonderful. It actually made me wonder, were we made for each other? I mean, who wouldn't think that way? It's like God created a pathway so that we will keep bumping at each other. So we were sooooo madly in love until one day I made a terrible mistake. I invited him to my sister's wedding. My family got to know that I was in a relationship with a Muslim guy and I was asked, straight away, to leave him. I was so frustrated. But what can I do? I love my God and I love my family. I was condemned, blackmailed and all the negative verbs were done to me. I asked him if he wants to convert to my religion but he insisted me to convert to his instead. We got into a huge argument and in the end we just decided to let go. It was the toughest decision I have ever made. I cried myself to bed everyday on that particular month we broke up, I watched our movie that we had made for each other with all the pics we collected since 3 years before, I drank beer whenever I was left alone (which is almost everytime), and in the end I even decided to suicide (not only decided, I actually tried but I was a coward I tried to save myself in the end). Did you see how bad I handle breakups? I may look strong to you but I am just exactly like you guys. I may look happy to you because you haven't seen me in my room trying to end my life. I have to admit. No matter how hard-headed a girl I seem to look, I am still a weak girl, that needs a man to hold me strong (which always, in my case, is my father).

Getting bored, ey? Well, this one gonna be the last breakup I'm gonna share with you. So sit up straight. Ahahahaha this guy? I had never imagined to be with someone like him. Why?
1. He is a guy in a uniform (for me people who work in army, airforce, navy, police, are all could not be trusted. Well, I have plenty of reasons which I'll go to that later)
2. He works in West Malaysia (I've been wanting to work in rural areas back in my own state, to serve my people)
3. A very strong government supporter (I am more to the opposition)
4. Humble isn't something he lives up to (he compliments himself more than he compliments others. Well maybe it's good but I live in humility and being humble is my way of life)
5. He uses high tone/pitch when he talks to the family (it made me into thinking, how is he going to be the head of the family if he is going to shout at everybody?)

But my aunt set us up as she thought we were best for each other. You know, the concept of Yin and Yang. So we tried. At first it was awkward. I mean we barely knew each other. But then, surprisingly it got better quite fast. Our parents arranged us to get married as soon as possible, and before I know it, we already bought our engagement rings, own a car as well as an apartment! We were a practical couple. We did things for our future and it was so perfect! I was happy, he was happy, but little did we realize, we were focusing too much in making our future so perfect that we forgot we need to live our present life first in order to grab the future. So when we started focusing on our future, we stopped living in the present. There was not much of memorable dates or that cheesy romantic dinner. It was all about plans and plans and plans about our future. When we go out it'll be talking of which paint to buy for the apartment, what to put in the kitchen, what kind of sofa to be in the living room, do we need TV or not. These things became more important than having our time together. Then, his father started to interfere. Of course, having a good relationship with your father is good. But to the extent that you share all the things that only a couple should share is too much. It was frustrating. I mean, why want to talk to others when you can just say it to each other? Though in movies they always portray that girls talk about their boyfriends' weaknesses all the time, it doesn't happen in reality. We only brag about our boyfriends. We don't talk much about our problems because it should be private. So slowly, we began to argue more and more. Oh and another thing, both of us didn't say out loud about what we felt towards each other. That was another problem. We kept it to ourselves and tried giving hints as if our partner is a mind-reader. This became another problem. All of these things, at last, went to the surface and killed the relationship. I'd prefer to admit that I was wrong because I was such an arse and everybody told me so. I tried talking to him, which was the first time for me. I mean, I have never talked a guy into getting back together with me. For me, what's gone is gone. I don't look back anymore. But this time, I tried. Twice. And he wouldn't listen so I guess that was the end of it. We broke up (more to he broke up with me) and to compare to my previous breakup, I accepted it more openheartedly. Maybe because the previous one, there was nothing we could do to be together even if we love each other so much. But this one? We can actually work on it together but he chose not to. So it was a decision that he made and after trying to change his decision twice, I guess God just has a better plan for me. Of course I was still affected with the breakup. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat much (I lost 3 kgs in just a week) and I kept myself home whenever possible. It was tough.

Now, kids. Wondering how I met your father? Keep on wondering because the story is gonna be long. I'm still young and I guess there will be more to come. So, wait for another episode. Ahahahahaha

Her Diary.

She was devastated. She was alone this New Year Eve and she's always be. Thousands of people might be around her but she felt lonely. It was the same for her Christmas, or her birthday, or her big events. She at last accepted the fact that she was a loner. No matter how many people gathered around her, no matter how many parties he attended, they were just the same for her. She hated the fact that everyone is a good pretender. Putting their poker faces all time. She hated the fact that even her sisters acting like one.. Because she knew, the most hurtful thing she ever had was when her own sisters back-stabbed her. Why? Because her family is all she has got and when her own sisters tore her into pieces, she knew that she has no one left. Nobody but herself. Stood alone in the crossroads thinking of where to go, she prayed hard to God that He will not leave her alone..

She cried and cried, knowing there's nothing she could do. Her jar of heart was emptied without knowing the reason why or at least how it happened. She tried to stay away from those people, not because she hates them but because she's afraid. Afraid that they will leave her. Afraid that she will be alone not only mentally but also physically. She was not a good pretender. That was the reason why she left. She loves them so much that it killed her slowly day by day knowing that she has no one to lean on. No one.

Then, he lied her. The world seemed collapsed right at that moment. She wanted to share to at least someone, but does she have anyone else left to talk to? God, of course. And He answered her prayer with rain. Heavy rain that falls down every time she felt sad. It made December a rainy day because she couldn't stop herself from crying in her heart every single day.

She looked out the window pane, seeking for a rainbow after the heavy rain. But there was none. Her hope was gone.

She was hurt. She was bleeding. She said goodbye. A tear rolled down her pinkish cheek and she ...

*A story inspired by a little girl nicknamed Misz_Hell

I'm Back!!

Wow! I've been far and away from my blog for a while now. I thought my busy life was over. And that I can relax, update my blog every single second. It turned out to be totally different than what I'd expected. ^^

Okay so for the last few weeks I was busy with some performances (again!) and few events outside college. Too bad (again..), I don't have camera so I couldn't take any of those beautiful moments in pictures. Only records that can play in my 256MB memory. =.="

Anyway, for a concert organized by my seniors themed '1Malaysia, 1Irama, 1Dunia', some photographers took pictures of mine and so here they are!

Before my first dance performance - Chinese dance

Before my second performance - duet with senior Safwan

Song - Sandarkan Pada Kenangan

A picture taken while I was dancing - 3rd performance

Red carpet bebeh!!

Me and Yuan Yuan

Me and Mr Eyie

We are family!! Ahahahaha

The concert was a success I would say (even though I wasn't that confident at first that it will) and I had fun! Real fun!

^^

It was my first time to perform about four times in one night which requires me to change my clothes in every single performance. Usually I would just have to go up to the stage and sing - wearing the same clothes everytime. But this time, I changed for four times according to the songs I have to dance. It was an amazing experience.


By the way, I'm already in the 'holiday mood' now. Ahahahaha Can't wait to go back to where I belong. Where my heart belongs. Everyday I keep planning about what am I going to do once I go back, what am I gonna eat, where will be my next visit, oh Dear!


I'm comin' home, comin' home,
tell the world that I'm comin home!

Amazing!

I felt amazing!

Why?

Only God knows. ^^

It's been a while since I uploaded a picture of mine.

Well, I haven't change much.

My hair is still of the same length. Sigh.

Feels like want to cut it short back again but then I really wanna have a long hair.

It's been like forever I had kept my hair short.

Today, again I read the novel 'A Walk To Remember' by my sweetheart, Nicholas Sparks. It just amazed me so I can't help it but to read the whole story over and over again. Trust me, you won't regret reading it.

This is the novel cover.

Me with A Walk To Remember ^^

Don't judge me, judge the book. Ahahaha

The story is about high school sweetheart. Also about the bonds between the family and frinedship. I really wanna tell you the story but it will be much better if you read it yourself. Before I read the novel, Nicholas warned me that if I proceed in reading the novel, I will cry. And I did. So now I'm warning you; you will cry after reading the novel. Don't believe me? Well, read it. :)

Funny.

People keep on asking me,

"Lala, what happened to your blog? I can't enter it anymore. You deleted it?"

Ahahaha

Just because I changed the domain of my blog, all the posts I posted are not available anymore through the link last time I used which is http://lalakoh.blogspot.com

I wanted to change back my domain to how it is before but I don't think it is needed. Maybe it's just time for me to disappear slowly....

Hohoho

Holiday?

While everyone was busy having their own sweet  time, having fun and hanging out with their friends while eating 'kuih raya', I was busy doing tons of work and attending seminars. Well, I wouldn't say that it's such a waste. I collected a lot of experiences in just a week.

Last weekend, I went for a trainee teachers' camp. It was awesome. Do you know how long have I dreamt of owning a presenter? I got it for free there. I was extremely excited and super happy with it. FREE, man! I saved my money for that and I got that for free. Amazing!! Ahahaha

I even met new friends there Not only from other institutes but as well  as my own institute. I never know that I don't socialize much in my institute. Sad, don't you think? :(

I also met new friends in McDonald. Don't ask me how. Ahahaha And also met AC Mizal and Wahid (Senario). WOW!!!!!!!!!

Why on Earth don't I own a camera???? Haiz..... camera is going to be the next in my wish list. Since I don't have to use the money to buy a presenter anymore, so I can use it and of course top up a bit to get a camera. My sister asked me to ask from my dad but hey, I am a big girl now. And you expect me to ask from him? Embarrassing-lah...... Plus it feels good to use a thing which you buy it yourself. Right??? ^^

I feel like telling you about all my experiences but I just can't. Words alone can't describe the  whole lot of story. (Well, if you know me you would know how I tell a story -- with actions and all sort of hand gestures. Ahahaha)

Btw, I miss my family.... T.T

My name is Lydrielyn Koh

The one and only - Lydrielyn Koh ^^

This post is dedicated to those who are confused with who am I.

I remembered the other day a lecturer asked a friend of mine, "is her (me) real name Lala? That sounds ugliey......"

Ahahahaha

And then another time my lecturer asked me, "What's your real name, Lala? I tried to find your name in  the name list but couldn't find any name starting with Lala."

Attention everyone!!

My name is Lydrielyn Koh.

If lets say we met, and I say "Hi, my name is Lydrielyn Koh."

Will you seriously remember my name? The answer is obviously NO!

That is the reason why I ask you to call me Lala.

Simpler, don't you think?

Plus, I was called by that name since I was a kid so I'm used to it already.

I changed my URL to http://lydrielynkoh.blogspot.com to make sure that everyone will know my real name and spell it correctly(also pronounce it correctly).

I'm proud to be Lydrielyn Koh!!

^^

P/S: Special thanks to my parents for giving me such a unique name. I believe it is the one and only name you can find on Earth. ^^

Love Triangle

Ahahaha gotcha!

Actually there's nothing really related to what I am about to say with the title I posted. I just wanna make the post looks 'momofurged'.

Ahahahaha

In case you are wondering what does 'momofurged' mean, it's just a word to express a feeling you just can't describe. You can use it in situations like you want to praise someone very highly or maybe in a terrible situation where you just need to use harsh words such as 'fuckin  shit', 'holy cow' or etc. Don't check this word in your dictionary cause you won't find it. Never ever. Why? Cause a good friend of mine created it. Ahahhaha credit to Eugene Wong Chen Wei!! ^^

Okay, let me go to my 'love triangle story'. Hoho

As what I mentioned earlier, it's nothing really about it. Here it is: I have two good friends of mine; Bernadette Hyacinth Vincent and Eugene Wong Chen Wei. We  are very close. I don't know whether they love me but I do love them. :)

They are very good. In fact, amazingly great. Wanna know them? Check on their Facebook. They use their real name in Facebook so it's pretty easy to find them. Bernadette, she's amazing. She's pretty, talented, she has got all the criteria you ever think as a perfect woman. No joke. She doesn't talk much like I do. That's why we make pretty good relationship, I guess. Ahahaha so most of the time it's me who 'nag'. I still remember the birthday card she gave to me. She wrote only a lil' inside but it touched my heart. Thanks, Dette. :)

Me and Dette :)

Next, Eugene Wong Chen Wei. We argue a lot. Always have different opinions and ideas. But at last, we'll still make it. Lecturers always have to ask us to relax when we were having discussion. Ahahaha

Just for your information, the main reason we fight and all is because of me. It's me, not him. Hate to admit that. But I just don't know why I like to find something against him. Maybe that's what make our relationship hot and spicy! ^^

Me and Eugene

The funny thing about us is people always mistake the three of us. Some people thought that Dette and him are in relationship, some people thought that me and Eugene are in relationship, they even thought me and Dette are in relationship! Funny isn't it? ^^

Me -the one and only Lydrielyn- and a drawing of me

Everyday Dette touches my heart by doing simple things. She might never realised it but she does. She's rich and she can have the best meal everyday, but she chose to have what I have just because. I only have vegetables everyday. She's so sweet....

Me and Eugene. Behind are my classmates; Aufa and Amir

Today, Eugene touches my heart. We were having breakfast, and like usual I just had vegetables. He knows that I love to eat chicken's fat -- especially the skin. So he gave it to me. I asked him why -- he also love that part. Then he said it's fine, he doesn't feel like eating it. So I was like "what??? don't you know that the skin is the best part you can ever have??" Then he turned to me and said, "that's why I gave it to you", with a smile on his face. Oh, my! That's like so sweet!!!!!! ^^

If you look closely, it is a drawing which I stand  just next to it in the previous pic. It's a drawing by Dette and Eugene. They said that it really looks like me. =.="

See, I have the best persons to accompany me. How bout you? :)

New Me!

Some of my friends are curious about how do I look now since I've deleted my facebook. Well, I didn't change much. How much can I change, anyway? It's not that a black ugly swan can turn to a beautiful white swan right? Ahahaha

Anyway, here are my recent pictures I took:

Me, Chad Edward Lim (a friend of mine), and my niece (Chrisccia Love)

From your left: Clifford Nicholas (My sis's bf), Lydriecca Koh (my sister), Aunt Rosni, Vequeencey Maitel (my cuzzie) and me. ^^

Me singing. ^^

See? Told ya, I'm just the old me..

Boredom.

I believe that there are times when each of us feels like suicidal. Especially when having hard times, and you look to your left but nobody's there, look to your right still nobody's around, turn to your back and you are alone. Exactly. No one to turn to. I feel that too. Most of the time. So don't feel down because everybody feel and felt the same.

One habit that I really have to change is that when I am sad or down or having any negative feeling, I just can't help from hurting myself. I'll hit my head to the wall, or scratch myself, and even carve myself. This is one of the example.

I carved my name just to make myself clear that I'm still alive and I will be until the day comes for Him to take me. Oh, life has to stop giving me shit! Fuck my life, fuck my problems, fuck everything!!!!