So, anything new?

Haven't write in a while. I have so many things to write about but you see once you want to blog about something, you have to do it right when you have that feeling to write. Only bloggers understand that. It's like you have an idea to write about something and you need to write about it right at that particular moment, or else you will never bother to write about it anymore. So, yes, that's what I'm facing right about now. Ahahahaha

Anyway, it's exam time and this semester I couldn't bother any more. I really want to score, want to do my very best, but my motivation is gone, I supposed. I mean, I used to have this vision of my life; to study, to have a good job, to travel, to know about the world more, and there's so much more in life that I need to discover. There is MORE to life. And I want to know more. But I don't think I can achieve those visions anymore. I can say that my life now has been arranged by others and maybe by me as well. I don't know. All I know is that I feel like I'm living someone else's life right now. I don't know who I am anymore. I'm lost in my own life. Waking up everyday to questions from the inside of me asking 'who are you?', 'what are you doing to Lala's life?', 'how long will you be controlling her life?' Those questions make me cry sometimes. I'm starting to think that I've gone crazy. Sigh. I need a doctor.

Every now and then I wish that I can actually tell someone what problems am I facing. But I just can't. They will never understand. They can't do anything anyway. The only thing they will do is judging. They are very good in judging. They see themselves as God; thinking they know everything, that they are always right. They didn't see the pains others are experiencing. In the end, it's always between me and God. I'll be crying and crying and crying seeking comfort from Him. I don't know, I just felt something is missing. Maybe I'm not that sincere enough. I really don't know..

Or maybe it's because it's you I'm missing. It's you I've been looking for. Maybe it's you. Just maybe.. :'(

Weird.

Is being a weird person wrong?

Is being different from others a sin?

If it is, then I am wrong and I have sinned against everyone.

Ahahahahaha

The thing is, I do what I do because I don't know what to do.

And I'm serious about it.

I just hope you will understand one day that there is this problem I have with myself which is confusion. I am a confused person. That is why I'm acting this way.

Please understand.

I need time.

I need to be alone.

And I need you to understand this:

I do what I do because I don't know what to do.

Sorry.

Her Diary.

She was devastated. She was alone this New Year Eve and she's always be. Thousands of people might be around her but she felt lonely. It was the same for her Christmas, or her birthday, or her big events. She at last accepted the fact that she was a loner. No matter how many people gathered around her, no matter how many parties he attended, they were just the same for her. She hated the fact that everyone is a good pretender. Putting their poker faces all time. She hated the fact that even her sisters acting like one.. Because she knew, the most hurtful thing she ever had was when her own sisters back-stabbed her. Why? Because her family is all she has got and when her own sisters tore her into pieces, she knew that she has no one left. Nobody but herself. Stood alone in the crossroads thinking of where to go, she prayed hard to God that He will not leave her alone..

She cried and cried, knowing there's nothing she could do. Her jar of heart was emptied without knowing the reason why or at least how it happened. She tried to stay away from those people, not because she hates them but because she's afraid. Afraid that they will leave her. Afraid that she will be alone not only mentally but also physically. She was not a good pretender. That was the reason why she left. She loves them so much that it killed her slowly day by day knowing that she has no one to lean on. No one.

Then, he lied her. The world seemed collapsed right at that moment. She wanted to share to at least someone, but does she have anyone else left to talk to? God, of course. And He answered her prayer with rain. Heavy rain that falls down every time she felt sad. It made December a rainy day because she couldn't stop herself from crying in her heart every single day.

She looked out the window pane, seeking for a rainbow after the heavy rain. But there was none. Her hope was gone.

She was hurt. She was bleeding. She said goodbye. A tear rolled down her pinkish cheek and she ...

*A story inspired by a little girl nicknamed Misz_Hell

Suicide.

Helpless?

Couldn't afford to live in this world anymore?

Tired of all these games of life?

Sick of those poker faces?

Thinking of suicide?

Answer these questions before you take a gun and shoot yourself.

1. Have you made your dad proud of you that he will say 'No father will have a better daughter/son' to everyone after you're gone?

2. Have you done something to a stranger that he/she ever said that 'if everyone is the same as you, then our world will be a better place'?

3. Have you made your spouse laugh and cry because he/she loves you?

4. Have you forgiven everyone who had wronged you?

5. Have you apologized to those you had wronged?

6. Have anyone said that 'I don't know what I'm gonna do if you're not here' to you?

7. Have you written a story of your own life?

8. Have you found someone that you really love and care about that there's nothing more you could ask in your life?

9. Will the world say, 'we've lost someone great today' on the day you were buried?

10. Are you ready to go to HELL?

If the answer is NO, then you don't DESERVE to die YET until my Father said so.

You get me??

So you better put your gun down and start living a healthy life. Life won't treat us good. That's why we have to make our best out of it.

Love yourself!

Boredom.

I believe that there are times when each of us feels like suicidal. Especially when having hard times, and you look to your left but nobody's there, look to your right still nobody's around, turn to your back and you are alone. Exactly. No one to turn to. I feel that too. Most of the time. So don't feel down because everybody feel and felt the same.

One habit that I really have to change is that when I am sad or down or having any negative feeling, I just can't help from hurting myself. I'll hit my head to the wall, or scratch myself, and even carve myself. This is one of the example.

I carved my name just to make myself clear that I'm still alive and I will be until the day comes for Him to take me. Oh, life has to stop giving me shit! Fuck my life, fuck my problems, fuck everything!!!!

Inexplicable!

Life is getting harder and harder for me here. I became everyone's burden and I can't stop blaming myself for being that rascal. Feels like suicidal. Lord, please help me to get through this!!

I want to apologize to every single person in my life. 'Someone' always tell me that I do cheer everyone around me. Apparently, I did not. In fact, I bring bad luck to everyone who are close with me. Susahkan orang ja.... T.T

This lyric is dedicated to all of you; I am SORRY.

As life goes on I’m starting to learn more and more about
responsibility
I realize everything I do is affecting the people around me
So I want to take this time out to apologize for things I have done
And things that have not occurred yet
And the things they don’t want to take responsibility for

I’m sorry for the times I left you home
I was on the road and you were alone
I’m sorry for the times that I had to go
I’m sorry for the fact that I did not know
That you were sitting home just wishing we
Could go back to when it was just you and me
I’m sorry for the times I would neglect
I’m sorry for the times I disrespect

I’m sorry for the wrong things that I’ve done
I’m sorry I’m not always there for my son
I’m sorry for the fact that I'm not aware
That you can’t sleep at night when I am not there
Because I am in the streets like everyday
Sorry for the things that I did not say
Like how you are the best thing in my world
And how I'm so proud to call you my girl

I understand that there are some problems
And I am not too blind to know
All the pain you kept inside you
Even though you might not show
If I can apologize for being wrong
Then it’s just a shame on me
I’ll be the reason for your pain and you can put the blame on me

You can put the blame on me
Said you can put the blame on me
You can put the blame on me

Sorry for the things that he put you through
And all the times you didn’t know what to do
Sorry that you had to go and sell those packs
Just trying to stay busy till you heard from Dad
And you would rather be home with all your kids
As one big family with love and bliss
And even though Pops treated us like kings

He got a second wife and you didn’t agree
He got up and left you there all alone
I’m sorry that you had to do it on your own
I’m sorry that I went and added to your grief
I’m sorry that your son was once a thief
I’m sorry that I grew up way too fast
I wish I would’ve listened and not be so bad
I’m sorry that your life turned out this way
I’m sorry that the FEDS came and took me away

I’m sorry that it took so long to see
They were dead wrong trying to put it on me
I’m sorry that it took so long to speak
But I was on tour with Gwen Stefani
I’m sorry for the hand that she was dealt
For the embarrassment that she felt
Just a little young girl trying to have fun
Her daddy should never let her out that young
I’m sorry for Club Zen getting shut down
I hope they manage better next time around
How was I to know she was underage
In a 21 and older club they say
Why doesn’t anybody wanna take blame
Verizon backed out disgracing my name
I’m just a singer trying to entertain
Because I love my fans I’ll take that blame
Even though the blame’s on you
I’ll take that blame from you

And you can put that blame on me
You can put that blame on me
And you can put that blame on me