So, anything new?

Haven't write in a while. I have so many things to write about but you see once you want to blog about something, you have to do it right when you have that feeling to write. Only bloggers understand that. It's like you have an idea to write about something and you need to write about it right at that particular moment, or else you will never bother to write about it anymore. So, yes, that's what I'm facing right about now. Ahahahaha

Anyway, it's exam time and this semester I couldn't bother any more. I really want to score, want to do my very best, but my motivation is gone, I supposed. I mean, I used to have this vision of my life; to study, to have a good job, to travel, to know about the world more, and there's so much more in life that I need to discover. There is MORE to life. And I want to know more. But I don't think I can achieve those visions anymore. I can say that my life now has been arranged by others and maybe by me as well. I don't know. All I know is that I feel like I'm living someone else's life right now. I don't know who I am anymore. I'm lost in my own life. Waking up everyday to questions from the inside of me asking 'who are you?', 'what are you doing to Lala's life?', 'how long will you be controlling her life?' Those questions make me cry sometimes. I'm starting to think that I've gone crazy. Sigh. I need a doctor.

Every now and then I wish that I can actually tell someone what problems am I facing. But I just can't. They will never understand. They can't do anything anyway. The only thing they will do is judging. They are very good in judging. They see themselves as God; thinking they know everything, that they are always right. They didn't see the pains others are experiencing. In the end, it's always between me and God. I'll be crying and crying and crying seeking comfort from Him. I don't know, I just felt something is missing. Maybe I'm not that sincere enough. I really don't know..

Or maybe it's because it's you I'm missing. It's you I've been looking for. Maybe it's you. Just maybe.. :'(

Lesson.

I learnt quite a lesson today. :)

Let me tell you from the beginning. After the performance (Malam Gema Budaya), my hair was badly damaged and I look like a mad woman. Seriously. So I was thinking of going to salon the next day which is Saturday. Due to extreme tiredness, I couldn't get off my bed until the evening so it was quite late already to go to salon. So I planned to go on Sunday. Which means, I won't be able to go to church and I picked to go to SALON instead of going to CHURCH. (I know how stupid it sounded)

But then, an angel call Dominic (our Christian Fellowship's President) suddenly passed by me that Saturday night. Our conversation began:

Dom: G church esok c? (Are you going to church tomorrow?)

Me: em..... g..... knk? (I'm going. Why?)

Dom: C, ada sorg budak junior L ya mok join. Ny anglikan juak. Ktk ngan jeremy jak anglikan so ktk la mbk ny esok. (Nothing, there's a junior from L unit want to come with you. He's Anglican so since you and Jeremy are the only students from Anglican, you guys should bring him along tomorrow.)

Me: Ok, c hal. Lak mek cntact ny. (Okay, sure. I'll contact him later.)

So I changed my plan -- from going to Salon, to going to church -- with a super-damn-heavy heart. It's like I'm going to church just because I have to. It was Sunday. And amazingly the Father of the church talked about something which really hit me.

"As human, we always forget Him. We put our wants first rather than our need -- which is our God. Some people even went to church for only three times in their whole life -- when they HATCHED (after they were born-baptized), when they were MATCHED (they got married), and when they DISPATCHED (they were dead)."

I was speechless. Thank God, He sent me an angel to bring me back to Him. I am so sorry, Lord Jesus. :(