Another Nightmare!

Last night, for the second time of this year, I had a nightmare of being in war. It's normal when people dream about ghosts or losing their loved ones or met an accident or died for unknown reason. But it's not normal to dream about being in a war, at least for me, because I have never even experienced once! It was scary. Just for your information, I'm not into watching movies or drama involving war. I do watch but it's not on the top of my movie-to-watch list. If it's on TV and everybody else is watching it or I have nothing else to watch, then I'll watch. That's about it. I read a lot of Nicholas Sparks' books and the characters in his books are usually soldiers but the last time I read Nicholas Sparks' books was early this year. So I don't know why do I have this nightmare when I don't usually dream!

The first dream I had about this war was last month, which is October. It was scary. We were attacked by a large numbers of soldiers. They were cruel. They shot everybody around. I saw people dying right in front of my eyes. I ran, I hid. I got into this place and all of us were women. We looked at each other with a sad look but we didn't cry. In fact, nobody actually cried. I knew none of them. It was dark. In the middle of us was this huge crashed plane. We were looking for anything in and out the plane. I don't even know what we were looking for. Maybe food, maybe other victims, maybe things that can help us to defend ourselves. I just don't know. Then, suddenly I heard a loud sound of shotguns. Right at that moment, I knew we were all going to die. They found us. Then, I heard voices. They were shouting at each other to kill anyone in sight. I started to cry. Suddenly, I saw a very loud sound. I almost couldn't hear anything after that. Then, I saw this one lady right in front of me fell down. She was shot. And she was right in front of me. I could have died. I was the one who was supposed to die. My knee then felt so weak. I fell down and the shock was all over me. I couldn't do anything. After that, it started to be silent. The captain was telling the rest to check if there's anyone who survived. Do you know how they checked us? They hit us with their weaponry as hard as they could. That time, I knew, if I don't pretend that I'd died, they will kill me straight away. I had no choice. I got to act like I'm a dead body. I was so scared. I don't know whether I could do this. I closed my eyes. My heart was pumping so fast, so loud, I thought the soldiers will hear it out. I could hear their footsteps. And it's nearing me. I was shaking. To my relief, they were called up by their captain right at the moment when this one soldier was standing next to me. I can feel my hair was stepped on. They left and I woke up. I woke up almost crying and my body was sweating. It was scary. Even right at this moment, as I write this post, I am actually crying. I still remember how I felt when I was in that dream. I started to think about those people who were actually in war. I bet they will have a never-ending nightmares. God, bless them. :'(

Then, last night. Another dream about war. However, this time, it's a short one. I was in this village. Again, I know none of them. We were celebrating I don't know what but it seemed like people are attacking our place but before they reached our place where we stayed, they left. So we were celebrating because we thought they'll never come back. But we were wrong. They were delayed because they were preparing for even a greater destruction. That particular night, they came back. They were everywhere. There was this one man and his little boy of around three or four years old sitting on a bench. The soldiers threw a grenade at them. I don't know why the father didn't run away or at least try to save himself and his little boy. I couldn't see both of them die so I ran and pick up the little boy. I ran as fast as I could and the father died right in front of our eyes. The little boy was crying calling for his dad. I cried too. I hugged him. He tried so hard to go off me but I can't let him go. I can't let him die too, at least not before me. I took him away from that place. We found a hiding place but he kept crying. I told him to stop or else the soldiers will find us too. But he wouldn't stop. Then I woke up. Another nightmare. :'(

O God, please bless our country. I don't want to experience this in real life. Having it in my dreams are already traumatizing. I don't think I can handle it. Bless us, O my merciful Lord. Amen. :'(

Photoshoot II

Sooo....

I had another photo shoot yesterday for my institute's batik. A friend asked me to be the model just to show the students how do the batiks look like. So I did it for the sake of my friend and also for the sake of my beloved college. Rather than paying someone to be the model, it is better to have a free service right? Little did I know, those pictures have become a controversy. Can u believe it? A real controversy. What the hell!

So the pic which has caused controversy is this one:

I was like, what?? What is wrong with my poses that they have to condemn me?? They were saying that my poses are way too much, over, blah blah blah... Are you kidding me?? Please, stop criticizing others. Talking bad about other people doesn't make you better. If you are way much better than me, then shouldn't you be there, instead of me? I helped my college, did you? You did nothing but criticizing people. I don't know how is it possible for you to be a Malaysian because as far as I know, rakyat Malaysia berbudi bahasa!

A note for those dummies:

First of all, you are supposed to look at the design of the batiks, not me, you silly!

Second of all, I am so gonna say out loud that MY POSES ARE NOT TOO MUCH. Try to compare my poses with the other models, aren't they all the same??

Thirdly, I did this for the sake of my institute. Kau ada?? Have you ever lend a hand each time our institute need you?

Fourthly, being a Muslim is not simply about your statuses in Facebook or pictures that you uploaded or clothes that you wore. Islam comes from your heart. When you love your God, you will practice what He teaches. And I believe He did not teach you to condemn others. Wearing a purdah doesn't make you a Muslim. No offense. Just as a reminder.

For the fifth, you should thank God I have deactivated my Facebook account, because If I haven't, you're dead man. Seriously.

O God, please make me strong. And please forgive all my evil thoughts as I'm writing this post, because I have forgive those who had condemned me through their Facebook account or their mouth or in their mind. Amen.

Her Diary.

She was devastated. She was alone this New Year Eve and she's always be. Thousands of people might be around her but she felt lonely. It was the same for her Christmas, or her birthday, or her big events. She at last accepted the fact that she was a loner. No matter how many people gathered around her, no matter how many parties he attended, they were just the same for her. She hated the fact that everyone is a good pretender. Putting their poker faces all time. She hated the fact that even her sisters acting like one.. Because she knew, the most hurtful thing she ever had was when her own sisters back-stabbed her. Why? Because her family is all she has got and when her own sisters tore her into pieces, she knew that she has no one left. Nobody but herself. Stood alone in the crossroads thinking of where to go, she prayed hard to God that He will not leave her alone..

She cried and cried, knowing there's nothing she could do. Her jar of heart was emptied without knowing the reason why or at least how it happened. She tried to stay away from those people, not because she hates them but because she's afraid. Afraid that they will leave her. Afraid that she will be alone not only mentally but also physically. She was not a good pretender. That was the reason why she left. She loves them so much that it killed her slowly day by day knowing that she has no one to lean on. No one.

Then, he lied her. The world seemed collapsed right at that moment. She wanted to share to at least someone, but does she have anyone else left to talk to? God, of course. And He answered her prayer with rain. Heavy rain that falls down every time she felt sad. It made December a rainy day because she couldn't stop herself from crying in her heart every single day.

She looked out the window pane, seeking for a rainbow after the heavy rain. But there was none. Her hope was gone.

She was hurt. She was bleeding. She said goodbye. A tear rolled down her pinkish cheek and she ...

*A story inspired by a little girl nicknamed Misz_Hell

A living hell.

Is there by any chance that everyone in this world that we are living in - or shall I say a living hell - will be happy? Remember to stress out the word EVERYONE. Well, if you ask me, I'd say NO.

Why?

Because of the world's own people. The matter-of-fact is nobody wants equality. Everybody keeps telling that all they want is equality. Gender equality. Work equality. Social equality. The fact is, they were all liars! Nobody cares about equality. All they want is to WIN. And to win, someone has to lose. That's the fact. It is never a situation where someone wins and the other wins as well. It is always win and lose. Either you win, or you lose. That's it. Win-win situation? Uh-oh. Never. Use your brain to think.

So this living hell will allow weak people (a.k.a. losers) to start looking for a plan to see the one who won falls down. The battle then began. That's life isn't it? Maybe you can play it nice, saying that "Oh, I'm not gonna do bad things and hurt someone else", or "I'm not the bad guy", "bad isn't the right word for me" but frankly speaking, you'll reach your limit sooner or later. You'll start thinking "why am I always at the bottom line?", "what is so special about others that they can go up and not me?" and then you will  end up finding yourself in the battle, trying hard to win. Be careful, you might use a lot of ways, which you never think of, just to see others fall.

Basically, there is NO WAY for everyone to be happy. That is just a fact that realistic people will accept. I'll not force you to believe in it. I'm just sharing my thoughts. If you still want to stand firm with your principle telling that there are ways to make everyone happy, well go on. I want to know how too. ^^

July 18th, 2005

Dear MGEAMM,

It has been 6 years since you left.

6 years, 1 month, 4 days - to be exact.

Life has been cruel to me since then. It could've never been better.

Just so you know I tried.

This year is  the first time I've forgotten about the day you left me.

Does that mean I'm forgetting you?

Well, I wouldn't say so.

You are still a part of me.

You are still in my heart.

I can still feel your presence.

Sometimes I wonder, how will it feels if you are still here, with me?

Will things still be the same? Or totally different?

If I were given a chance, I really wanna turn back time.

There are thousands of things I didn't tell you.

Hadn't tell you.

I bet you are thinking the same too.

Life is hard.

The harder I cry, the harder it gets.

MGEAMM,

I'm tired of all these.

Tell Him to bring me to you.

p/s: I love you.

Lots of Love,

Lydrielyn Koh

Do I look stupid to you?

This is another major conflict I face each time I go to a new place. I still remember when I entered secondary school. I was talking to a friend of my friend and as the conversation went on, she was surprised to hear that I was in Form 3 Rajin (A-class). Then I was like, why would she be surprised? This is what she said, "no offense but you don't look like the smart girl who goes to library, read books and study". Puh-lissss! Is that how you define 'smart girl'? Is that how you calculate one's cleverness - based on how many times they go to the library? Awesome.

Then, I moved to another secondary school due to some reasons (you don't want to know why. Ahahaha). The first day of school, I heard some STUPID GIRLS talked about me in the toilet.

Stupid girl A: Have you heard about the new girl?

Stupid girl B: The one in 4 F? (*they were referring to my class)

Stupid girl A: Yeah. I heard she got good grades for her PMR.

Stupid girl B: Impossible. She looks stupid. (laughing like hell)

Then I came out of the toilet and I looked at them. They stared at me back. I went back to my class and asked my classmates about the stupid girls. It turned out that they were in one of the not-so-good class. Well, this is our society. They talk about other people as if they are good enough. =.="

After that, I got an offer to Matriculation. I'm not saying that I am so good that I was offered but at least it showed that I am not that bad. While waiting for the day to leave, I spent some time with my families -- partying. Drank beers, tapai, all sort of drinks. One of my not-so-close and rarely-be-seen family member asked me,

"jadi, apa ko mau buat lepas ni? Cari  kerja? Ikutla aku p estate."

(translation - so what do you wanna do after this? Find a job? Follow me to *estate then -- *a place where teens normally go to work when they don't have any other offer or choice)"

So I told him I'm going to matriculation in a week or so. He was surprised.

Sigh....

Then, got another offer from SPA8 -- diploma in Pharmacy. I have a dream of running my own pharmacy. So that offer was a dream came true. I straight went for it. I wasn't surprised to see their reactions when I was active answering in class. Me and my housemates were quite close so one day I asked them, "what  is your first impression when you first see me?" One of them said this with a very high confident,

"you look like arrogant, a gangster, and a stupid-rich Chinese girl." =.="

I asked, "WHYYYYYYYYYYY???????"

She said, "you just look trendy and fashionable. Ahahaha"

That's just ugh....

I was speechless.

And also a thing I really need to clarify here:

I understand Bahasa Malaysia and I do speak in Bahasa.

I don't know why people sometimes pass by me and talk bad stuff about me as if I can't understand them. Hello, I live in Malaysia for all my years I've been living, you expect me to not understand what you're talking about??

Stupid girl A: Amboi, datang gi kelas ke, pegi show? (Translation: Is she going to class or a show?)

Stupid girl B: Tak tau pulak aku yg tmpt nie dah jd sekolah utk stewardess. (Translation: I don't even know that this place is actually for stewardess' training -- sarcastically)

Stupid girl C: Gaye tak hbis-hbis minah nie. (I can't translate for this one. Too harsh. Ahahaha)

I'm sorry that FASHION is my middle name. :)

Okay, that's not my point. The point here is that, it's my right to wear what I want as long as it doesn't go against the rules and regulations here! Plus, the clothes I'm wearing, I won't even consider it as amazing, or gorgeous, or beautiful. They are just simple and ordinary! So what the hell is wrong with you people???

So you tell me, do I look stupid to you??

(Don't worry, I won't bite. ^^)

P/s: The usage of Bahasa Malaysia above is according to the slang of the people around. West and East Malaysian have different slang.

July.

10 Reasons to Hate July:

1. My family came this month to pay me a visit. We had fun in Malacca. I extended my holiday so that I can join them to Genting Highlands, but it turned out that the tickets were all sold out. Since they bought the ticket earlier, they went. I was left alone.

2. We performed for Malam Gema Budaya. Everything went smoothly until the time for us to perform. I don't know what the hell was wrong with the technician but the music started earlier, we got panic and the steps were all over the places.

3. My lecturer asked me to handle a performance for a retirement event. I was so busy with few other performances and just don't have the time to handle it. I know I should've said 'No' to my lecturer but don't you know that the word 'NO' is the hardest thing to say? The performance was fine said them but being me, I know there's just something missing in it. Sorry guys, my bad. :(

4. I was helping out my other lecturer for a booth on our English carnival. I tried my very best to make it okay but it just won't do. I spent about a day to at least make it something unforgettable, something awesome, something PERFECT. But I just couldn't. It turned out  to be something simple and ordinary. Again, sorry everyone. T.T

5. I have a lot to pay this month and in just a blink of an eye, I was broke. Trainee teachers' camp, LCD projector, trip to Teluk Senangin, my toiletries, license, hockey stick, class fund, institute's Batik, etc..... OMG, I wonder how am I going to live after this with only few ringgit left in my wallet. =.="

6. I borrowed my bestie's camera the other day when I went out with my family. After that, kept it in my locker. Recently, we went to Teluk Senangin and I found the camera was missing. My goodness!!!!!! How I hate JULY!!!!! Sorry, Dette... I'll replace it as soon as possible....

7. Trip to Teluk Senangin was a disaster. Well of course we had fun but other than that, stayed in a stupid motel called KAMILA, met that motel's arrogant owner, ate at a restaurant full with flies. Shit. We're totally fucked up.

8. Because of two laptops were missing in the hostel, all the girls were gathered and scolded by the 'prefect'. They were shouting and yelling as if we all did it. As if we couldn't hear them. As if we are 6-year-old kids. As if the person who stole it will stood up and said 'yeah, I did it'. As if we couldn't understand them. Of course not all of the prefects did so but one of them (I don't know his name) acted too much. If  I were the one who stole that laptops, I wouldn't keep it that long. I'll straight away sell it the day I stole it. What's the point of doing spot-check when the laptops had been stolen for like few days ago? Of course I am sorry for the two girls who lost their laptops but the prefects' action was too late. Should have done it earlier.

9. My classmates got into a fight. It's a small matter at first but they didn't solve it properly so it turned out to be a big matter. Well, shouldn't make a mountain out of a molehill right? I cried. We are all so close together. Why can this happened?..

10. My bestie's bought a phone online worth quite a price and the stupid guy who 'sell' it didn't post it to her. So people, never buy things from mudah.com.my. Don't trust them. Never. Poor on Dette. I'll try to get my lawyer's advice on this okay? We can't just let him go.

 To that stupid fellow: watch out. You'll be dead soon. Every parts of your body will be cut off. Separated into 10 parts. While cutting it into 10 different parts, I'll make sure you are still in your sense. To feel how much does it hurts each time you lie to others. I don't know how many times you have been doing this but trust me, you'll regret it. Your eye balls will be scooped out and your tongue will be cut slowly. Your penis will be burnt. After that, I'll let you live. How are you  going to live next? Up to you, you moron.

Eat to live or live to eat?

Since I was a little girl, my hero which is my dad, always tell me that life isn't a real life when you didn't taste all the food available. You live to eat. Whack every single food that you can have and enjoy it. So I enjoy my life with my amazing eating habit. Thank God, my metabolism rate is quite high so I didn't put on weight that much even with my tremendously amazing eating habit. Each time I see something that looks yummy, I couldn't help myself but to buy it and taste it. When I am happy, I'll eat. When I'm sad, I'll eat. I just couldn't stop myself from eating. High-class food especially, gives me the best satisfaction I can ever get.

Suddenly this year, life has to change. No more angel's food - well, that's what my friends call the expensive food since they are very pricey, no more satisfaction feeling, no more heaven in Earth. Why? Because no more people for me to depend on. I'm on my own. Every penny means a lot for me. I couldn't ask my family to help me already because of the misunderstanding the other day. Calling home asking for money simply means, I'm a spoil brat that knows nothing but asking for help. I'm a grown-up girl. In fact, in my age, I should have pay everything with my own money. I should be ashamed of myself!! Sob sob sob..

And so, I decided to save. Really really save. I'm not joking when I said that. I struggled like in hell at first. Giving up Kenny Rogers, Secret Recipe, Big Apple, and every nice restaurant just makes me crazy, dude! I even give up my meals everyday, from three main meals into only a meal. And that only meal has only rice + vegetable. Amazing, huh? How a 'foodaholic' can give up so many food. I must say, it's not easy. Some days, I just couldn't stand. Looking at the fried chicken (still hot), ice-cream people are eating when it's a sunny day, cold drinks, snacks, ouch! It hurts a lot even to think of it! But taking it as a positive side, I'm not only saving a lot, but also having a healthy diet. I don't like vegetables since I was kid, but now I took it as my daily food. I love ice-cream, but now I eat in once in a while (maybe once or twice in a month). Even though I'm having quite a tough life, but life is not a life until it gives u a piece of shit right? ^^

Now, I'm losing my weight. Everybody is telling me so but I don't really believe it cause I don't feel any changes within myself. Until today, a friend of mine whom I haven't meet for few months came and see me. He told me how thin I am that he almost can't recognized me. Wow! I must look like a skeleton now. HAHA

But I am glad I am now healthy. MUCH MORE HEALTHY. I was so sad when I fought with my sisters but now I feel much more relieved. If I didn't argue with them, I don't think I'll be standing on my own feet right now. Thanks to them.

I used to stand on this philosophy : live to eat. But now? I eat to live. Oh yeah!! :D