April 13th

April 13th is my birthday. Not a good date people usually told me. And I have to admit that I actually believed it as well because a lot of terrible things will happen either on my birthday or the day before. I have lived with that kind of thinking for years now and never bother to think or even plan anything on my birthday because I know bad things will happen anyway.

However, this year I don't know what triggers me but I actually planned something. I want to have at least once a birthday celebration for myself. A good one. So I planned. And to be frank, I was really looking forward for my coming birthday. I took a risk. Unfortunately, as expected, things didn't go well. All the things I planned seems went way off board. Everything was fucked up. And another confession from me? Yes, I gave up.

But thinking of it again, I was like no. Not this time. Not this birthday. Not now. I'm not going to let my life controls me. I should be in control of my life. I'm gonna celebrate my birthday even if I were to celebrate it all by myself. I'm not going to just sit down and accept this so-called-fate. No, I'm not gonna to do that. I have enough celebrating Christmas by myself, New Year by myself, doing nothing but crying. No, I'm so not gonna do that. I'll not let a single tear fall off my cheek this time. I'm stronger now, aren't I? I'm not that little girl anymore that cried each time other people bully me. This time I'll stand up straight and tell those people to just fuck off. I have been living independently now and I don't see any reason why I should regret for deciding it that way. Condemn me as you like, disappoint me, leave me, whatever you like, do it. I dare you. I DOUBLE DARE YOU, MOTHERFUCKERS.

P/s: This post is written due to the stress and problems I'm having right now. Please do not be offended. I'm just writing this to let my feelings out in a healthy way. At least I don't go for suicide anymore, right? Ahahaha good day, mates! ^^

Grown-up Conversation

For the first time in my life, my hero and I have a grown-up conversation. It's weird but I find it quite relaxing. I mean, it feels like I can tell him everything, you know? I guess it all started last Christmas, when my sisters and I had an argument and the only person I can talk to was my dad, my hero. Since that, the way we talked is just different. I feel like really, really, really and adult now. Ahahaha

So what I meant about that whole grown-up thingy was about my relationship now. I don't know. Things got pretty serious in just a couple of days and I just don't know how to explain that. My hero called and asked about Mr Joe, how is he doing and those things. Then, talks about future. Then the list just went on. It sounds really crazy to me. But I'm glad I can at last talk openly about my relationship to him, you know. I hate the idea of being in a relationship and have to hide it from the world just because of some idiotic reasons. I mean when I am in a relationship, I want everybody to know. I want the whole world to know. I prefer it that way. When people ask, "so Lala, are you still single?" I really want to answer proudly, "oh, no. I'm taken." I hate it when I have to lie just because I can't tell who am I with now. Ahh forget it. So complicated. Anyway, I really feel relieved right now. I don't have to hide my relationship anymore.

So back to the topic, grown-up conversation. Usually  Asian family, they don't discuss about sex, you know? Then my hero and I talked about it. Please don't get me wrong. Ahahaha he was trying to advise me to take care of myself as her little girl. He doesn't want anything bad to happen to me. At first I felt weird to have this kind of conversation with my dad. But the conversation went well. I appreciate his effort to talk about it to me. He must have had rehearsed it for so many times to make it sounds acceptable. Ahahaha

Really missing my hero right now. He told me to go back this May, but I keep giving excuses. Not that I don't want to go back, you see. It's just that I'm not ready. I don't wanna come back and then be called a spoiled little daughter who only knows how to spend money. NO, that's not who I am. I am an independent woman and I'll prove it to all of you. I'm really sorry, dad. I just can't go back. At least not now. :'(