Hot! Hot!

I've just received a very incomprehensible news to my mind few days before. And I have to admit that I'm still in the state of shocked. Fuhh!

My cousin converted into a Muslim, she's married and she has a baby now!! I can't believe she's having her own family earlier than me! Ahahahaha I was a bit frustrated though. I mean I have lots of friends that are married now and I've never been invited to any of it. Maybe because most of them are married 'unexpectedly' so maybe they were not that proud to invite me but hey, I don't judge. Whatever happens, they are still my friends, my families. I'll always be happy for whatever they decide. It's their life anyway. I just want to be there and celebrate their happy day with them. :(

However, I won't take this to heart. I mean what's past is past, right? Right now, I just want to celebrate their new family! ^^

Truth be told, this time the story of my cousin is different from the rest of my friends' stories. Because this time, it involves religion. You see, religion is a very sensitive issue. I mean, most of the wars are caused by religions, is not it? It is sad how religions can break men apart. I'm sorry I just have to say this. So the same goes to my cousin. I guess her decision has break her family apart, or to be precise her own self. She has to face everything all by herself. If I had known earlier, I'll try my best to be there for her. But maybe she's afraid to be judged, to be pushed away, to be left out.. I totally understand how she feels. I used to be in her shoes. So I don't blame her to not tell me everything. It just crushed my heart to know this thing is happening to her and she has no one else to talk to about her feelings. I thank God she's a fighter. Because if she's not, I might have lost a friend, a cousin, a sister.

You see, I did say in one of my posts that everybody else might leave you, but never your family and God. Whatever happens, your family and your God will always be there for you. So you know you're so dead if your family walks out of your life and you just lost your faith in God. I know that because I was there. And I know, that's what my cousin is feeling right now. I tell you, that feeling can put someone into a very devastating condition. That feeling is so evil, it can take one's life away. I know it very well. It almost took my life away too. Right now, all I can do is to pray hard that she can survive this, that she will survive this, like I did. Dear cousin, please be strong. I know you can do this.. :')

So next month, I'm going to pay her a visit. By hook or by crook. I NEED to visit her. Talking to her for a while just now make me feel better. I know she's trying her best to cope up with life. And I know she can do this. However, it also made me realize something. Have I really passed this stage? Or am I trying to seek my strength in her because I'm still stuck in that feeling? I don't know. I really don't. And right now I really want to talk to someone, to share about how I feel inside but like usual nobody is there. Everybody is busy with their life and I have no right to take their time for my sake.

Currently listening to Jayesslee's song - Failure in Disguise

Note to her and to self: Just don't give up. :(

It's the date of the year again..

July 18th, 2013.

It's been 8 years now. I've missed you. You have long gone but I can still remember you clearly in my mind. Your face, your moves, your smile, your funny face expression. You left us too early. I'm sorry I said this again and again but it's true. I bet you knew it too. :'(

Anyway, today our best friend has delivered a baby girl. They haven't give the baby girl name yet. I wanted to tell our best friend to name the baby girl Michelle, in remembrance of you, but I don't want to remind her about you because I don't want her to be sad. You left us on the same date as her baby girl was born. I believe if I remind her of you, she will feel sad each time it's time to celebrate her baby girl's birthday. We've missed you. A lot. :'(

One thing for sure, you are lucky. God loves you so much, didn't he? Took you from us in such a young age. Hey, six years have changed me and my life. I suffered a lot and sometimes I just want my life to be over. Kept waiting for the call from God. And the part that hurts me the most is that when I feel down and sad, I no longer have a place to go like we used to have. Remember when we felt down? We used to sneak out of the house and went to that hill? We'll tell each other our problems and then start throwing rocks down the hill as far as possible as the rock symbolizes our problems. After that we'll just laughed at each other and forget all those problems that we had. I missed those times. There is a lot of people around me, no doubt about that, but I still feel alone. Lonely. Wish you were here. :'(

One thing for sure, I'll always remember you. WE will always remember you. Rest in peace, B.. :'(

Double the Anger!

Life's such a bitch sometimes. One time you'll feel like at the top of the world and the next day everything will just turn upside down before you knew it. I guess that's just life. Sometimes you're up there and sometimes you're just buried deep in a pile of shit.

So after winning competition by competition, hosting successful events and programs, it finally hits me that it is others' turn now to get blessed. I mean, I can't ask God to bless only me and myself alone right? That's selfish. So I accepted it with an open heart. :)

Anyway, today got into an argument with a few people and to my surprise, one of them is Mr Boyfie. We never really argued much so it was surprising, and shocking, and everything. It was a really small matter, really, if you ask me. But you know, as someone who is concern about him, I don't like it when I became the last person to know anything and everything about him. His favorite sentence of, 'haven't I told you that..' or 'didn't I tell you that..' or even 'oh, I thought I've told you that..' is extremely a pain in the ass. It is as if telling me that Mr Boyfie told a lot of things to other people, and he thought he told me too but apparently he didn't, which means I'm the last person to know the things that are happening in his life. So where does that put me in his life then? That's one thing. Another thing was that he didn't even bother to contact me after that! Bollocks! We should stop here before my anger gets out of control. :)

So lately, there's been a hot video shared around the social networking. About this young Malay girl who confesses her love to this young boy, that they have been in a relationship for a week, that she promised to love him and only him, that they will be together forever and ever and ever, and all those sweet words that one can ever imagined. For me, that's a very sweet thing to see. I mean in today's world, how rare it is to see one loves another so purely and deeply and truly and sweetly and everything. Even though they had just been together for a week but at least they had a sweet moment together. She did feel that true love deep inside her heart. Some people haven't even felt that way before. Have you?

Too bad, our people will always find faults in others. I don't want to be racist but most of the people who actually condemned that girl are of her own race. Sad, isn't it? They were condemning her as if she has done the worst sin ever. As if she has murdered somebody. Seriously, if the girl is not strong enough (like me), she might try to commit suicide by now. Thank God she is strong. And to be frank, I do pray for her so that she will stay strong and let Jesus stays by her side, protect her and lead her way. She's still young. She needs support. She doesn't need those haters who keep finding faults in God's creation. As adults, we have to guide the youngsters. Even if you don't want to, you still don't have to condemn her. If you don't like the video, you shouldn't even have watched it in the first place! There's no need to leave such demoralizing comments!

Okay, getting angrier now. Ahahaha I should stop. Nighty nite peeps.. ^^

April 13th

April 13th is my birthday. Not a good date people usually told me. And I have to admit that I actually believed it as well because a lot of terrible things will happen either on my birthday or the day before. I have lived with that kind of thinking for years now and never bother to think or even plan anything on my birthday because I know bad things will happen anyway.

However, this year I don't know what triggers me but I actually planned something. I want to have at least once a birthday celebration for myself. A good one. So I planned. And to be frank, I was really looking forward for my coming birthday. I took a risk. Unfortunately, as expected, things didn't go well. All the things I planned seems went way off board. Everything was fucked up. And another confession from me? Yes, I gave up.

But thinking of it again, I was like no. Not this time. Not this birthday. Not now. I'm not going to let my life controls me. I should be in control of my life. I'm gonna celebrate my birthday even if I were to celebrate it all by myself. I'm not going to just sit down and accept this so-called-fate. No, I'm not gonna to do that. I have enough celebrating Christmas by myself, New Year by myself, doing nothing but crying. No, I'm so not gonna do that. I'll not let a single tear fall off my cheek this time. I'm stronger now, aren't I? I'm not that little girl anymore that cried each time other people bully me. This time I'll stand up straight and tell those people to just fuck off. I have been living independently now and I don't see any reason why I should regret for deciding it that way. Condemn me as you like, disappoint me, leave me, whatever you like, do it. I dare you. I DOUBLE DARE YOU, MOTHERFUCKERS.

P/s: This post is written due to the stress and problems I'm having right now. Please do not be offended. I'm just writing this to let my feelings out in a healthy way. At least I don't go for suicide anymore, right? Ahahaha good day, mates! ^^

Grown-up Conversation

For the first time in my life, my hero and I have a grown-up conversation. It's weird but I find it quite relaxing. I mean, it feels like I can tell him everything, you know? I guess it all started last Christmas, when my sisters and I had an argument and the only person I can talk to was my dad, my hero. Since that, the way we talked is just different. I feel like really, really, really and adult now. Ahahaha

So what I meant about that whole grown-up thingy was about my relationship now. I don't know. Things got pretty serious in just a couple of days and I just don't know how to explain that. My hero called and asked about Mr Joe, how is he doing and those things. Then, talks about future. Then the list just went on. It sounds really crazy to me. But I'm glad I can at last talk openly about my relationship to him, you know. I hate the idea of being in a relationship and have to hide it from the world just because of some idiotic reasons. I mean when I am in a relationship, I want everybody to know. I want the whole world to know. I prefer it that way. When people ask, "so Lala, are you still single?" I really want to answer proudly, "oh, no. I'm taken." I hate it when I have to lie just because I can't tell who am I with now. Ahh forget it. So complicated. Anyway, I really feel relieved right now. I don't have to hide my relationship anymore.

So back to the topic, grown-up conversation. Usually  Asian family, they don't discuss about sex, you know? Then my hero and I talked about it. Please don't get me wrong. Ahahaha he was trying to advise me to take care of myself as her little girl. He doesn't want anything bad to happen to me. At first I felt weird to have this kind of conversation with my dad. But the conversation went well. I appreciate his effort to talk about it to me. He must have had rehearsed it for so many times to make it sounds acceptable. Ahahaha

Really missing my hero right now. He told me to go back this May, but I keep giving excuses. Not that I don't want to go back, you see. It's just that I'm not ready. I don't wanna come back and then be called a spoiled little daughter who only knows how to spend money. NO, that's not who I am. I am an independent woman and I'll prove it to all of you. I'm really sorry, dad. I just can't go back. At least not now. :'(