Playgirl?

Based on yourdictionary. com , playgirl is defined as a woman who engages in casual sex and seeks pleasure in life. It is also a magazine that has the same concept as Playboy magazine - except that it shows pictures of nude men instead of nude women. Basically, playgirl has always been a negative noun or adjective in human dictionary. Now why do I bring up this topic? Because I found out that I am labeled as a playgirl by people around me.

See, playgirls here means girls who play with men's heart deliberately. It's like they have a boyfriend and they still want another; either for fun or to get more attention. And also they change boyfriends every now and then. So am I a playgirl?

See, I never intend to play with anybody's heart because I, too, was played for many times. I know how hurtful it is to be played. It's just that maybe my personality causes people to think that I am into them. Yes, I am cheerful. Yes, I am friendly, Yes, I smile to almost everyone I meet. But that does not mean I'm flirting with you. When people are kind to me, why should not I be kind to them back? But of course once those men express their feelings towards me, I will turn them down immediately if I have no feelings towards them. That's for sure. Because I don't want to hurt them more later so I make sure to let them feel down now.

Changing boyfriends every now and then? To be honest, I have to say this; I have no luck in love relationships. I don't know what is wrong with me but I always failed in my love relationships. I've been hurt so many times, been cheated, been wronged, and I just don't know what to do. The longest relationship I've ever had was only for 3 years. You see, if possible I want to fall in love once and let it be my last too. Like a fairy tale. I don't want to feel hurt. Tell me who wants to be hurt? It's just not my luck. Some people fall in love once and live happily ever after. Some people got married after two broken relationships. Some people couldn't even find the one. You're lucky if you found the one straight away. Me? I'm just unlucky enough.

Tapi entahlah. Sudah namanya manusia. Kita nda akan dapat menutup mulut diorang. Pasti ada ja salah di mata mereka. Lumrah manusia berakal pendek; bila tiada boyfriend, dikata memilih. Bila ada boyfriend, dikata terdesak. Bila boyfriend tiada rupa, dikata tidak sesuai. Bila boyfriend ada rupa, dikata nakkan yang hensem ja. Bila boyfriend kaya, dikata nakkan duit. Bila boyfriend tiada apa-apa, ditanya macam mana nak makan? Nampak kah permainannya disitu? Mulut orang mana boleh tutup. Tutup telinga sendiri, sudah la. Aku sendiri sudah lama belajar pasal benda ni. Cuma kali ini aku nda tahan bila dengar hal ni dari kawan sendiri dan orang yang aku sayang. Apa nda cukupkah diorang kenal aku? Mungkin sebab aku nda pernah menangis depan diorang bila hati aku disakiti. Mungkin sebab aku tunjukkan senyuman manisku didepan diorang walau hati menangis. Mungkin sebab aku menyibukkan diri kerana mau hati melupa sengsara buat seketika. Ya la, luka ditangan boleh dilihat. Luka dihati? Tuhan saja yang tau.

Ya, aku terkilan bila orang yang aku sayang dan aku anggap kawan cakap dengan aku, "janganlah kau dengan dia, kau cuma akan menyakitkan hati dia", "betulkah kau mau sama dia atau cuma bermain-main?, "nda akan lama kau dengan dia, percayalah. Aku kenal kau". Sakit. Terasa. Pedih. Aku robot kah? Nda punya perasaan? Makin lama aku rasa makin lemah. Serius. Aku perlu sokongan. Terkadang, hati terfikir. Adakah kegagalan dalam percintaan ku ni disebabkan oleh keputusan ku untuk meninggalkan orang yang aku cinta dua tahun lepas? Kalau ya, then aku redha. Sebab memang salah aku. Aku pilih untuk bersama keluarga instead of staying with him. Sebab aku belum ready mau tinggalkan family aku untuk orang yang baru ku kenal selama tiga tahun. Mungkin aku sudah terlepas satu-satunya cinta yang ditakdirkan untuk aku. Mungkin itulah sebabnya aku terus gagal. Mungkin? Tapi mungkin juga sebab aku masih muda. Aku masih belum bertemu 'the one'. Mungkin.

Cuma satu yang aku pinta. Percayalah aku. I want to love and be loved too. I never meant to hurt anyone. Tepuk dada, tanya selera. Kalau masih mau anggap aku suka mempermainkan hati orang, then terpulang. The cold never bothered me anyway.

P/s: Read my post about the men I dated and you'll understand better. Click here; How I Met Your Father.

The Past is Deep.

Everybody has their own past. Some past worth to be rewound while some felt like they should be deleted. Same goes with mine. Some past makes me really feel like deleting them from my memory while some past keeps rewinding in my head. Though there were good and bad memories, I have never regretted any of them. Why? Because they taught me lessons in life. I learned a lot from those bittersweet memories. Truthfully, I am not a person that regret easily. For me everything has its own purpose. They were there for reasons we might not be able to explain. I believe that in the end it will reveal its purpose for being right where it is. But not one thing. This very thing was the only thing that I have the most regret in life. Well, the only regret, I believe. That is; to walk away from my relationship with Yuan. I should have fought for us. I should have stayed.

I have tried my very best to put this behind me since the day we both decided to walk away from our relationship. Until last two nights - when I was asked, "will you be with him again if he asks you to be with him now?" Pheww! That was a killing question! What am I supposed to answer? How am I supposed to answer to that? Like, seriously. After the breakup, I was lost. Twice suicide attempt. Sat in front of the TV, cried all by myself. Drank beer alone. Stayed home. I even stupidly accepted a stranger's proposal. Because at that time, for me, my life has ended. That was it. Up until today, my heart still beats faster just by hearing his name. Or looking at his back. Or when I hear his voice. Though we only knew each other for five years and got together for just a couple of years, it was enough for a common girl like me. So what answer am I supposed to give to that question? Will I be with him again if he asks me to be with him now?

Today, I re-read his blog. The last post in his blog was last year July, a very brief post about a quote by a famous Malaysian Ustaz, "Berhati-hati memilih hati seseorang. Jangan sampai mencintai seseorang yang akhirnya akan melukai hati kita. (be careful in looking for somebody to love, do not love somebody that will one day hurt you.)". Maybe that was the moment he has finally moved on and found somebody to love. Reading his old posts hurts me a lot. I have hurt him so much that I will never get back together with him. He is a great man and he deserves someone who would not hurt him as much as I did. So do you have your answer now? You see, love is not all about having that someone. It means that you care about that person's happiness more than your own. If they are happier without you, why stay? Let them go.

2015

It's been long since I last blogged. Wow. And this is my first post in 2015. See, I rarely use my netbook if I am not in college studying or in school teaching. Without my ntbook, I won't be able to write any post. Using my iPhone is just not satisfying for me. Ahahaha

Anyway, last year, my life was just a total mess. Especially when my brother-in-law passed away. To be honest, he was the closest to me to compare to my other brother-in-laws. He made jokes a lot. He laughed a lot. He gave lots and lots of advice to me. It's like when I said I was going back, he will plan to party with our friends. We were friends even before he got to know my sister. So once he passed away, our whole family became lost. Such a huge impact. The loss was extremely difficult to be accepted. Imagine my sister. They were together since she was 15 and now she's 25. They were married for two years and their baby was just 3 months, the day he left - 30th of Nov 2014. Last Christmas was the first Christmas that all of us actually celebrated at home together. Trying our best to give support to each other, especially to my sister. I couldn't even handle a breakup. I just can't imagine if I was the one who were standing in her shoes at this very moment.

Too be honest, after my bro-in-law passed away, I somehow felt more alive than ever. It's like I'm living for the very first time in life. I appreciate life more and worry less (I don't know how long this will last) but everyday looks so beautiful now. Whatever I feel like doing, I'll just do it right at that moment. Why? Because there is no promise for tomorrow. I don't even know whether I'll be able to open my eyes tomorrow. Well every cloud has a silver lining, ey?

So live life, love life, people. :)

Life as a barista!

So, in my mission of keeping myself busy, I added one more into my schedule; barista! At first I doubt that it was a good decision. I mean, I am already busy. Will I be able to cope up with it? But being me (as usual), a girl who always challenge herself (ahahaha), I decided to give it a try. So it's been a week now and I'm loving it!

You see, I'm a Starbucks customer. So working in Starbucks actually gives me more chance to try a lot of different drinks. It offers me a chance to find my favorite one. I don't take coffee so the only drinks I have ever ordered in Starbucks are Chocolate Cream Chip and Green Tea Cream. However, when I started working in Starbucks, I have already tried the same drinks with different syrups and mixture (like bananas) ahahaha also Tiramisu, Coffees and Teas. Some of it taste weird but some of it just blow my mind! Meanwhile for food, I only order lasagna as a customer. But once I started working in Starbucks, I get to try the pastry, cakes, pancakes, fuhhhh they taste goooooooood... 

Another good thing about being a partner in Starbucks (working with them) is that I got a 30% discount for every food, beverages and merchandise in Starbucks. You see, as a regular in Starbucks, this discount is important. Ahahaha now it feels like I can't leave Starbucks anymore! How can I leave with the 30% discount given?? Ahahaha

Now let's move on to the other partners (other workers) in Starbucks. It's just been a week but it felt like I have known them in forever. They are very kind and friendly! But of course, when it comes to working with women, there will always be that kind of small argument. Yes, I am a lady but I have to agree on this. Women always talk about each other. I don't know is it because of jealousy or what but it happens. I'm not saying I'm totally different but I don't like talking about others much. I'd prefer talking about the problem I have with the other one face-to-face, unless if I don't even want to talk to that person. Ahahaha so same goes to the partners in this Starbucks. Since most of us are women, I can hear this person talks about another person and it goes on and on. But surprisingly, they laugh together while working that you almost felt like the hatred was never there! I was surprised like shit! How can they even do that? Ahahaha if it were for me, I just don't talk to that person anymore. I mean, why would I talk about a person behind his/her back but keep talking to her as if nothing ever happened? That's so fucking weird.. ahahaha so yeah, that's the only thing I don't quite like about working there. But I guess I have to accept it because that's how women work? Sigh..

While working in Starbucks, I met this two siblings who are pretty and just charming. They have that genuine smiles when they greet the customers and they are able to talk to customers as if they have known the customers in forever. So I got to know from them that they did not come from a well-to-do family. They have 5 siblings and their father has already passed away. They have to forget about their studies now and focus about making money. I seriously feel bad for them. I mean they're younger than me but they work so hard to support the family and me? I just work because I have too much time for myself. I needed to go out, socialise and be tired, to be able to sleep well at night. I didn't even have enough money for myself. It makes me feel bad about myself. They are younger but they are already supporting their family while me, older than them but still need my family to support me financially. Can you imagine that? I need to work harder.

I have really experienced a lot in just a week working in Starbucks. They don't just teach me how to make beverages, taste coffee, prepare food, they also teach me about life. Appreciating every single person in life. To help one another. These experiences will never be forgotten, that's for sure :)

P/s: Do follow my instagram (lydrielyn_koh) to check out my pics with my Starbucks partners or you can just look #starbuckstambun to check out how fun being a partner in Starbucks!

Ice Bucket Challenge

Have I done it? No. Will I do it? Maybe. Have I donated? Yes.

Now, why wouldn't I, a very active, adventurous, up-to-challenges lady won't do this small challenge? Simply because this challenge has gone so far from its real points which are; to donate money and to raise awareness. It is now mostly (not all) about having fun. About telling the world that you can do it. About telling everybody that you are not left out. To jump on the bandswagon.

Sometimes I got mad when I see those kids do the challenge because it looks more like they are making fun of the people who suffer from ALS. It's like telling, 'hey, I'm pouring the ice on me to feel what you feel but I'm only feeling it for fun, but you have to feel that for the rest of your life'. However, some videos made by some individuals are very meaningful. When they explain about the disease briefly and talk about the donation, the challenge became much more meaningful. It touches me.

Anyway, guys, don't just donate because of this challenge. If you have extra, you can always donate for others (home, medical, etc.) even if they do not come up with any challenge. Even if they do not offer you popularity like this Ice Bucket Challenge did. It will make you feel better. I assure you. Also, if you have done this challenge, please don't take my post to heart. I mean, if you do it with the right intention, why would you be offended with what I write, right? Ahahahaha

Have a nice day, people!