Heartless.

To be honest, sometimes most of the time, I really hope that I don't have a  heart that cares. Especially in school. You know how sad it is to not be appreciated? Like you tried your best to come up with activities just to make them learn, or buy more and more gifts so that they'll be interested in participating in the classroom? I mean, I don't get anything from this. I don't have any salary yet and my teaching is not even evaluated. So truthfully, I can just go to the classroom, let them do what they want and I can just do whatever I feel like to.

Too bad, I can't.

It's like everyday I enter the classroom, there will be almost no attention given by the pupils. Well, maybe for a short while but then trust me, give them 3 minutes and I'm already in the zoo. I guess I am just not patient enough. Seriously, how can I continue being a primary school teacher if this is continuing? I have been patient for one whole month and today I snapped. Sigh. Again, the problem is not with the kids. It's just that I can't control my anger. Should I really seek help? Hahaha

But really, looking at some teachers who could not care less of their pupils, I really hope that I can be like one of them. I mean, that way I will stress less and be happier, ya know? I don't have to crack my head just to think of fun activities to be conducted in the classroom, I don't have to use my own fucking pocket money just to motivate the kids extrinsically, I'll have a good time on my own - reading novels while having hot choco. Sounds more fun, no? Hahaha

Maths?

I was so into Mathematics when I was in secondary school. I love counting. It's like I was born to calculate. Hahaha but growing up, I realized I hated counting. Why? Because the more I count, the more I noticed that I have only a few friends and families that I can count on. I don't blame them. I never do. Because the problem is with me. I was the one who hoped too much when I know I shouldn't. Living as almost a fully independent lady for 23 years, I knew very well that the only person that I can depend on is me, myself and I. However as much as I wanted to be that independent, I keep hoping that someone will come and share those pains.

The worst part of being the 'strongest' is that nobody really asks whether you are okay or not. Nobody realizes your tears behind your smiles. Nobody checks on you when you are sitting quietly in your room. Nobody notices when was your last meal. Nobody. Because everybody know you will do great. Little did they realize, you are only human. Human who has feelings of your own, who can be terribly hurt as well. Now, tell yourself this, cukup-cukuplah kesiankan diri ko tu. Stand up straight and walk on. Pick yourself up. In the end of the day, you'll see you can do much better alone anyway. Hahaha

Aku pun ndatau apa benda aku merepek tengah malam ni. Esok kena bangun awal pagi and it's already 12.30 in the morning. Been having sleepless nights lately. Hate it to the max. Knowing me, you'll know that I sleep 12 hours a day. And I get depressed when I don't have enough. Hahaha I wish all of you a good night. Hope I can have better sleep tonight.

"Funny when you're dead and how people start listening."

Mangasok.

What is mangasok? It is a Dusun word for seeding, particularly paddy. I spent my last weekend at my uncle's mangasok. It was my first experience and though it was tiring, I had real fun. That weekend, I did not only learn mangasok but I also learnt a lot about life.

While I was complaining, countless of time, about how difficult and terrible my life was, I realized others have even tougher life. I heard my uncle talked about the land they have been living since they were kids is going to be taken away by some heartless companies. He said no one wanted to help them and they just don't know what else to do. They were also told that court order will be out very soon. Uncle cakap lagi, dia bukan mau defend tanah dia ja, tapi tanah orang kampung lain juga. The problem is orang kampung lain takut sebab the lawyer told them that it is better for them to give up their land now as they will be given a sum of money to replace the land (not that much) but it is (kononnya) better than to have nothing later on.

You see, orang kampung have been living all their life there. Too bad, diorang tiada geran. So it is so difficult to win this case (based on my personal opinion). Tapi uncle cakap, tanah tu sudah diberikan sejak selepas penjajahan British lagi dan hak diorang tidak patut diambil so they are trying to fight over it. However, this doesn't sound that strong (to me, at least). Diorang cakap, the saddest part was even the politician yang sepatutnya tolong diorang (as the people have voted him) pun nda mau tolong. He said he can't do anything. But the funny part was, the politician was seen on the newspapers 'trying to help orang Lahad Datu to save their land'. Aunt aku memang marah. Ya la, orang kampung sendiri nda mau tolong, tapi rajin pula p sampai Lahad Datu 'tolong orang'. Choiiiiii!! Orang memang macamni. I've learnt about this since forever. Yang bukan family punya semangat mau tolong, yang family dibiar kelaparan. Sama seperti our own country. Pelarian dari negara luar dibagi pekerjaan, rakyat sendiri jadi apa? Sigh..

Anyway on that weekend, I also learnt about family. Turned out, my uncle and his siblings had an argument before this. So my uncle apologized publicly to all of them and said that his ego was the cause of all that has happened. I automatically remembered about the argument I had with my sister. At that time, I knew I had to make it right by meeting her face to face. Tapi kita cuma merancang kan? Back at home, I heard another story. Turned out, all my other sisters knew about our argument and most of them despised me. They were upset. So in the story, I was wrong. In every way. Terus patah hati buat ke sekian kalinya. Right then, I knew, I really had to leave. It's not an option, it's a must. I mean, obviously, they didn't want me here. They are not comfortable with my presence so why bother? I'm looking for every reason to stay and they are giving me every reason to leave. I love them and looking at them torn apart between me and her (actually nda pun, diorang mmg closer with her), I just can't. Every night my mom will be sleeping at her's and my dad will be sleeping with my younger bro. Like, what have I done to the family? Sigh, time please fly. I can't stand it anymore. The guilt for destroying my own family is far too great.

"The sharp knife of a short life,

Well, I've just had enough time"

When Reality Strikes.

Being in a relationship is always about give and take. You can't let only one person giving while the other only receiving. It has to be from both sides. Especially when it comes to a couple that are both from different culture, different upbringing. The challenges are far greater. The 'give and take' situations are far more extreme than the couples who are from the same circle, same culture, same faith and same upbringing.

I, have always wanted to have a family of my own. I believe all of us do. But the difference is that I wanted a family that consists of different cultures. Intermarriage. I myself is a product of mix marriage and though I find it difficult as I can't find that one group of which I can be really accepted for who I am, I still find it great as I can socialize well with everybody. It's like I always have something to talk to with others and there is always something new to be learnt. Like I can go to my Chinese friends and start talking about the Chinese culture that we practice at home and those that we don't, or drinking traditional Kadazan drinks with my fellow Sabahans, and even sharing recipes with my Filipino friends. With a bit of blood from here and there, I get to learn many things as a start. Not to mention about my curiosity that I also started to learn other languages and cultures as well. So I see the advantages there and I want to have that in my family as well. But you see, it is never easy. To find someone who is looking for the same thing like you do. Damn, it's difficult. That's why, I guess, all of my ex-boyfriends are of different races though most of them share the same culture as mine since we are all Malaysians.

However, as mentioned earlier, relationship is about give and take. So recently another argument arises in my relationship. He, being someone who is of a different race, finds it very difficult to accept my culture though I have already sacrificed a lot from my side. It is so dissapointing because it seemed that he is trying to change me into someone that completely practices his culture when I myself have my own culture that I wish to preserve. If I were to sacrifice a lot, of course I still hope to keep at least a little bit of my culture as my identity. However, he could not understand this part and I can't expect him to understand as well. I mean, maybe we wanted different thing, and I just can't force him to want the same thing like I do.

Sigh.. Looking for a companion for a lifetime isn't easy. Sometimes you just feel like you found the one but as time goes you realized that it's not happening. Sad, isn't it? Last-last, terpaksa juga cari orang sendiri. Sebab diorang ja akan faham cara hidup kita, cara kita dibesarkan. Nda payah pening pasal give and take. Hmm..

Masa.

Sebelum ni aku rasa masa berlalu telampau laju. Macam buka mata ja, weekend sudah. Buka lagi, another weekend. Tapi since the argument, the time felt like moving too slowly. Dengan days yang I had to watch my mom rush to her house at night to accompany her at home, and then rush back home in the morning because my mom needs to get ready to work. It kills me everyday. You know, the feeling like you are the cancer. You kill everybody else. You know that feeling? Sigh..

Paid off all of my debts that I had before I came back and I left almost nothing in my pocket. Well, as the saying goes, 'jangan malu ketika kelihatan miskin. Malulah ketika berpura-pura kaya' so I don't mind having no money in my pocket if that means I owe people nothing.

Sudah la, penat mau pikir. Masalah dunia, mana pandai selesai. Yang penting, di mana kedudukan ku bulan depan?..

Lala Koh - Assalamualaikum

Another cover song from us. I love this song because it talks about how Malaysia really is. I mean, we've heard too much lies about '1 Malaysia'. Everybody is shouting it out loud but are we really practicing it? The lyrics touched me deeply.



However, as expected, there were a few negative responses from others. Some of the non-Muslims were not happy with me singing a song with Arabic words because they say it's Muslims'. I beg you please, open up your mind. Language does not have anything to do with your faith. I have learnt Arabic for 6 years and it is simply a language. Does learning Chinese, then, make you a Buddhist? Or a Hindu? Or a Christian? No. You are what you believe.



Anyway, listen to the song and tell me what you think about me. There were a few errors made towards the end of my singing though. Too excited while singing. Hahaha



Enjoy!

Moved Out.

Came back home, I didn't see her car there. So I asked my dad, where is she? My dad didn't even look at me and he replied, 'ndatau la apa masalah. She moved out today morning'. So I replied, 'oh, sebab kami gaduh'. Based on daddy punya muka, I knew, she told him what happened. I just don't know how far she's telling the truth.

I mean, benda semua ni, pasal what I have written in my previous entry was actually happening since the last few years. Cuma it exploded last Saturday. I just couldn't handled it anymore. She's been talking behind my back to my mom whenever I wasn't around and I knew this from my other sisters. Cuma aku malas mau cakap. Aku letak tepi ja. But on that Saturday, I just exploded.

I went to the kitchen and my mom was there and even she didn't look at me. I remembered when we had our first huge argument last two years, we argued because she left me at Sandakan when she promised to go back together with me. She went back, told my mom that she went back alone because I didn't want to go back, when in fact I wanted to go back but she asked me to stay for a while. I was so pissed. I mean how could you leave your sis the day before Christmas Eve, all alone? Expecting me to celebrate Christmas Eve all by myself? Honestly, I guess that's why Christmas means nothing to me anymore since that year. So I wonder, what did she tell our parents this time? Aku malaslah mau kasi clear the air. Kalau diorang mau tau dari mulutku sendiri, they'll ask. If not, then I won't bother either.

So she moved out with her baby. I bet my parents are crazily worried about her because then she'll be living alone with her baby. Sigh. Each time I came back home, I'll argue with her or with my younger sis. I really don't feel belong here. I mean they were a happy family without me these past few years. They never had any problem. So I guess the problem is just with me. Sebab I'm not always home so they are already too used to it. Sabarlah semua, habis ja benda intern ni di Sabah, I'll go. I mean, what's the point of being 'home' if you don't feel like 'home'?. What's the point of being here when no one wants you here? Seriously. Aku, prinsip hidup aku senang. Kalau hidup menyusahkan orang, then don't bother living. Sebab aku, my parents didn't get to see their granddaughter. Sabar ya, nanti aku chow. Dua bulan ja lagi.

Muka putih, hati hitam.

Aku pantang bila ditegur pasal pengurusan wang. Kenapa? Sebab aku bukan jenis yang meminta. Cuma bila betul-betul perlu, baru aku minta. Kalau sudah tiada duit, baru aku minta. Selagi aku boleh berdikari, aku berdikari.Tapi aku selalu ja dengar mulut-mulut sumbang yang cakap aku manja, boros, suka hati minta duit. Kau nda berada dalam situasi ku jadi jangan cakap.

Hanya sebab kononnya dia nampak aku post gambar ku di media sosial memakai baju yang berbeza-beza, aku dia label sebagai boros. Padahal aku jarang sekali beli pakaian baru. Kalau beli pun bukan yang berjenama macam dia sebab aku tau kemampuan aku. Pakaian, ku, barang-barang aku, kebanyakannya orang lain bagi. Baju kurung, T-shirt, kasut sukan, seluar, you name it. Ada yang lecturer bagi, ada yang kawan bagi, ada yang guru sekolah bagi, ada yang boss bagi. Tu lah, suka berprasangka buruk pasal orang. Hati bila hitam kita buat cmna sekali pun yang buruk juga dia nampak.

Lepastu bising cakap aku kaya. Elaun RM595 sebulan. Choiii.. Kau dulu study duduk dalam asrama. Transport pun nda perlu, boyfriend pula kaya, elaun kau jauh lebih tinggi daripada aku. Aku? Aku duduk luar, kena sewa rumah, ada transport, mana kayanya? Tapi part ni memang aku silap. Sebab aku duduk luar. Apa boleh buat. Dulu ingatkan aku sudah ada rumah untuk tinggal bersama kononnya bakal suami, tapi jodoh nda panjang, mau buat cmna. He left and it's not like I can easily move in maktab balik. Ya, memang aku salah menilai lelaki. Yang itu aku kena akui. Lepastu bising lagi cakap yang aku 'mau sangat ada kereta'. Tolong lah. Aku memang perlu kereta. Kau expect aku g skolah pakai apa? Basikal? Kau ingat jarak dari Tambun p Kampar berapa? 5km? Aku pernah cycle dari Kampar balik Ipoh. Tu pun ambik masa 2 jam lebih. Jadi kau expect aku p mengajar bawa ABM cycle 2 jam lebih setiap awal pagi then balik petang? Sudah ada transport mestilah mau pakai petrol. Petrol satu hal, maintenance lagi satu hal. Masa aku perlu semua tu, aku minta idea daripada family, ada ka yang mau bantu? Last last I had to crack my own head utuk selesaikan this problem? Kau ada tanya cmna aku solved? Tiada.

Bila tayar aku meletup, enjin nda mau hidup, wiring masalah, bumbung kereta nda mau tutup, roadtax kena bayar, ada aku minta kau duit? Ada aku minta duit parents? TIADA. Kau ingat benda tu murah? Ribu kena pakai. Aku ikut perut sebab perlu pakai duit, aku tebalkan muka pinjam duit sana sini, aku jual barang-barang yang mana dapat jual. Yang tu ada kau nampak> Ada kau fikir? Tiada.

Aku balik sini kau ingat tiada kos? Hantar barang semua free? Kau ingat barang aku selama 6 tahun duduk di perantauan ni sikit? Sehelai sepinggang? Apa kau ingat kos hantar kereta balik sepuluh sen? Ale utoh! Benda tu semua ada aku minta duit parents? TIADA. Aku jual lagi barang aku, aku pinjam lagi duit orang sebab aku ndamau susahkan family. Tapi ada kau tanya? Kau langsung nda tanya cmna aku angkut segala barang tapi ko senang lenang cakap aku boros. Seriously, kau nda akan faham sebab kau kaya. Kereta pun nda perlu bayar, ada gaji sendiri, ada lagi duit dari kebun, tinggals ama family. Duit beribu di poket, rilek la kan mau cakap orang. Aku selalu tolong orang bukan sebab aku banyak duit, tapi sebab I know how it feels like to have nothing. Bila aku ada setakat RM3 di dompet, aku ingat lagi, aku tetap belanja kawan aku roti sebab dia sudah langsung tiada duit. Kau nda pernah kerja McD macam aku, berbasikal dari maktab ke tempat kerja. Kau nda pernah kerja Starbucks macam aku. Kau nda pernah ajar tuition macam aku. Kau nda pernah kerja driver macam aku. Kau nda pernah merasa kehilangan weekend macam aku sebab aku kerja dari Isnin sampai Ahad. Sampai orang tegur, 'kau tiada life ka, Lala?' Orang cakap kononnya kagum dengan aku sebab berdikari tapi nampaknya diorang ja boleh nampak semua usaha aku tu. So aku memang rasa kau nda layak mau cakap pasal aku. Kau nda pernah jadi vegetarian berbulan lamanya sebab duit kau nda cukup makan. Kau kurus sebab ko diet, aku kurus sebab duit makan nda cukup. Nampak beza kita di situ?

Ingatkan bila balik hometown, senang la sikit. Boleh bermanja dengan family lepas 6 tahun duduk di perantauan. Tapi to be honest, I wanted to stay in West Malaysia instead haritu. Tapi daddy suruh balik. Kalau nda, nda juga kau menyampah tengok muka aku kan? Rasa macam mau move out ja. Berdikari like how I used to. Sakit hati dengar komplen yang 'kaya bha ko ni, belilah makanan sendiri, barang sendiri'. Uinah, aku aminkan ayat kau. Satu hari, beb. Satu hari. Habis ja belajar, aku akan cepat-cepat cari kerja. Cari duit makan sendiri. Kau tunggu. Cuma ingat, semua benda ni duniawi. Bila-bila Tuhan mau ambil hak Dia, Dia akan ambil. Jangan riak mengata orang. Yang aku tau, aku akan ingat siapa yang ada saat aku jatuh, siapa yang tolong aku saat aku tiada duit pun mau makan.

Lala Koh - Like I'm Gonna Lose You

Just uploaded my new cover song on YouTube. The last time I uploaded a cover song was about four months ago. Been busy since then. Now? Too free at school for my internship. Hahaha



One thing I noticed is that I have a blogging pattern. Like, the most active blogging will occur during my practicum phases. Hahaha I guess that means it gets really boring being in schools. Sigh. How can I be a teacher with an attitude like this? I mean I used to love teaching. Now it feels like a burden. I used to be excited to wake up and prepare for schools. Now, even the thought of going to school annoys me. Damn!



Anyway, do check out my new cover of Like I'm Gonna Lose You by Meghan Trainor and John Legend. Drop some comments so that I can improve from your feedback! <3

Fire.

So I saw this statement on Facebook:

When a girl is sick;

Le boyfriend: Don't forget to take your meds, okay? I love you.

Scandal: I'm outside your house. Bought you some meds.

Scandal wins.

People, I have to agree on this. I'm not agreeing on the 'girls should have scandals to take care of them' thing, but I'm agreeing on the fact that when we are already in relationships, we tend to take things for granted. Why? Because we thought we have secured our place in our partners' heart. But have we? Really?

Try to take a min of your life and reflect. How it really was when you started flirting with your lady or your man? How was it when you just started your relationships? Did you buy her a bouquet a flower? Did you open the door for her? Did you prepare meals for him when he was sick? Did you help him walk when he got injured? These little things mean a lot to every each of us. If there's any, even one, of my readers do not feel touched when their couple did one of these, then I guess I am completely wrong.

I mean, why did we stop doing all these?

I remembered most of my ex-bfs were acting all the same. Like the first few months, or even few weeks, when we started dating, they'll be all gentlemen - pretending to be the princes they never were. Buying me flowers, phone calls till late at night, early morning messages, giving sweet quotes, then in the end it slowed down and completely gone. Not that I want all of these everyday but it sure is nice to still keep the spark by doing it every now and then. I mean, why not? It's not that difficult to find a min to just say 'Hey, I miss you' or a short 30 seconds call to say 'I love you'. I don't know, I guess my expectations are too high. Because I am the kind of lady that will throw dinner surprises or giving presents whenever I feel like it, the type of lady that will text my man whenever I think of him and the lady that puts her man as her priority. That's why I expect the same thing from my man. To my disappointment, these kind of men are so difficult to find! Hahaha

To be honest, there was one but I let him go (again, this one sad story from Miss Granny). If you are following my post, you will know who he is. You know, the one that became my only regret. We were friends before we got together. He was always there for me since we were friends. I remembered how he used to call me because I was afraid to walk up my college's stairs at night. So we will be talking the minute I got to the stairs until I reached my room. I'd call him whenever I couldn't sleep at night and when I suddenly woke up in the middle of the night. He'd accompany me for my crazy food-craving. He even broke into the girls' dorm just because I was sick and he couldn't contact me. It didn't stop even after two years being together. He was the only person who could put up with me. This is important because I can be very childish when I am with someone I love dearly (so if I got very childish with you, that simply means I love you hehe). I guess, that's why the breakup hurt a lot. But all that was in the past. I've moved on. He moved on. I even heard he's in a serious relationship now and I'm happy for him. The point is, will I ever meet someone like him again?

You see, no one will be the same. That's why when I decided to let in someone new, I never compare. At first it was difficult but I tried and slowly I got over it. I even decided to leave all the past for this one guy I knew. He was kind, he was willing to learn but both of us have a very bad temper. My theory is simple, I am 'fire' so I need to find someone with 'water' element. I mean if both of us are of fire elements, no one will surrender and in the end it will kill the relationship. Yes, I was told that I need to lower my ego especially in the argument but you see, I don't see why should I apologize when I know it wasn't my fault? Who is egoistic now, then? Once I start apologizing for something that is not my mistake, I will be apologizing for all mistakes that I do not do in the future. Makes sense? Deep down I really do not want to walk away from this relationship like I did last time because I really wanted this to work out. I can see myself next to him in the future. But if both of us are really fire, then what should I do? Change my element to water? That calls for a huge transformation, man. And I don't think I can change that easily. I don't know. Sigh. I guess I  just have no luck in relationships.

Say something I'm giving up on you.