Missing them.

A warning to my readers, this post is gonna be an emotional one so I recommend you to skip this post if you are not interested in reading it. I don't wanna waste your time, you see. Aren't I a good person? Ahahaha ^.^

While I was scrolling my news feed on Facebook, I stumbled upon a few pictures uploaded by my sister. Pictures of my family, celebrating Chinese New Year. And I started to cry. I know it is stupid but I cried anyway. I guess I'm just jealous for I couldn't be there with my family when everybody is there. Well, it's partly my fault. I was the one who decided not to go back. I was the one who refused to go back. I was the one who stayed away from my family. But I have my reasons. My very own reasons.

My presence may not mean anything to them but their presence means everything to me. I really wish those arguments, misunderstandings, between me and my sisters had never happened. It makes me feel sick whenever I think of it. It kills my desire to go back to my family. It ruins my hope to have a big, happy family.  It tears my heart to pieces. It breaks my soul. Yes, it did. I left because I want them to feel happy. Well, they do look really happy in the pictures. I don't think I ever had the chance to take a picture with all my family members if it's not in a studio. That's why I said earlier that my presence may not mean anything to them. As long as they are happy, then I guess I'll be okay here. Even if that means away from them. You see, what's the point of being near to your loved ones but not seeing them happy? It's better to be away from your loved ones and to know that they are happy without you. Far much better.

I remembered the morning my dad called, wanting me to go back. I cried while I was on the phone and tried my best to hide it. It was difficult but I made it. I really wanted to go back but thinking of all those tough moments when I had the arguments with my sisters, I just couldn't afford to go back. It was really painful. I don't want to experience the same thing again. I love them so much that arguing with them hurts me more than words can express. I can't do it. I love my dad, I love my mom, I love my sisters, I love them all. I just... Sigh. I know I gotta be strong. But if this is life, I think I'm giving it up. I'm tired. Really really tired.

My Happy Family :)

Christmas

You see, I'm a Christian and I do celebrate Christmas, the day Jesus was born. One thing about Christmas day is that families would gather and have a very wonderful, joyful time together. Where you can feel love everywhere. Since I was a little kid, I used to celebrate Christmas like no other day. I'd spent the whole day with my family and friends, eating cookies, getting presents, it's just awesome. But recently, I don't feel that anymore. For the past few years, I've been spending Christmas like it's just a normal day with only myself or my parents. That's all.

And this year, it got worse. Everybody knows that family is the best part of Christmas, or is it I'm the only one who thinks that way? My family always come first. In everything I do, family is the most important. When I date a guy, I'll make sure my family accepts him. If no, then I'll just let him go even if I love him so much. I don't mind. When I'm sick, my family is the last one to know, because I don't want my family to be worried of me. I want them to think that I'm always fine. When I know I did something wrong, I'll tell my family and apologize. I love my family more than I love myself. I tried to do my best in making my family to like me. But it just won't work. And I'm tired of all these. It really is tiring. I guess they don't need me anyway. Sigh.

Anyway, I'm very grateful that God still loves me. So I decided to take a year to live by myself as what my sister told me to. She once said that I'm the one who doesn't want to be with them, so if that is what she thinks, then that's what I'd do. I guess that will make them happy. And making them happy is my priority. :)

Next year is gonna be a whole new year for me. I gotta stand by myself. It's time for me to grow up. Are you with meeeeeee???? Ahahahaha

O Lord, help me to get through this, Amen.

Do you want to sleep over?

Okay, please don't misunderstand that title. Ahahaha

That's just a question I'd really want to ask to my friends. Surprised? I know right. I've been living for what, 20 years, and I've never have any experience of having my besties staying over at my place doing nothing, or just everything. You know like watch movies, play games, chit-chatting, anything. Like those things the girls usually do in movies. I wanna do that. It looks fun, doesn't it?

When I was a very young little girl, I always wanted my friends to sleep over. Too bad, their parents never let them to. I asked my parents once why wouldn't my friends' parents let them stay over? And the answer I got was maybe they are afraid that their kids will behave inappropriately or cause any trouble and so on. Well, when I looked back, maybe there are two or three times my friends did stay over but that was because  of they were having a bad time with their family. It made the stay-over a bit sad as we would talk about their problems. To do something fun makes us somewhat guilty. That was the only experience I've ever had when I was in primary school.

Then in secondary school, despite of having my apartment all by myself, I'd never have the thought of bringing my friends home. I guess it was because back in that time, most or I suppose all of my friends are rich. Like REALLY rich. So taking them to my small apartment with nothing inside is like, yeah right.. So I never did.

Now, becoming a young adult, suddenly the urge of asking my friends to sleep over came back. I don't know why. I guess I just need friends to socialize. I have seven sisters and five of them are married, leaving me and my younger sister alone. We used to spend our nights talking, gossiping, insulting *of course in a good way*, mocking, all those stuffs. And after they got married, all those stuffs are being taken away slowly. It makes me sad, and lonely, and... I don't know, depressed? Sigh. I missed those times....

Awesome Holiday!

I must say that this holiday is just as awesome as it can be! Attending my sister's wedding with my friends from my college, being a tourist at my own hometown, having great meals everyday, damn, I call this heaven! :D

However, since my sister got married, everybody starts focusing on me. Asking whether I've found that someone, whether I'm interested in their sons, whether I'm still single and available, oh it scares the shit out of me! Ahahaha

You see, I'm still young. Just because it's my turn now, doesn't mean I have to find a man right away, no? I still have what, 3 more years to graduate? Come on, give me a break!

Okay, forget that. Have you ever be a tourist at your own town? If no, you are so gonna regret! I used to think that we can go to all these tourists' attraction at our hometown ANYTIME. Well, that's true. But the next question I should have asked myself was "when?" So I decided to go around Sandakan as a tourist for the first time and I found myself being very excited spending my time around! It's like I now see Sandakan as a very different place than the one that I've always seen. Oh, how I love my city!

Next topic is fooooodddddd.. ahahaha

I've been living like a princess lately. Waking up with a Ferrero Rocher chocolate as breakfast, or a Kinder Bueno, or a bread toast, having a long hot shower.. of course a princess doesn't do that. What I meant was I was living happily like a princess. :)

How I love it when I can have desserts after having my meals. You see, being a college student, everything is limited. You can't choose to live luxuriously in college unless it's okay for you to ask money from your parents. For me, being a young adult, I'd rather work than to ask money from my parents. But of course sometimes there has to be an exception. Ehehe

However, being home, everything is there. It's like "food, food everywhere". And it's not just food, it's angels' food. Ahahaha

I guess that's all for now. Talking about food makes me hungry. Ahahahaha

R.I.P. DIET

Love

Love is simple.

I love you, you love me.

But to be with someone you love is not as simple as that.

There will always be challenges, barriers that won't go.

They are so strong that they make you feel weak.

They make you feel like giving up.

They suffocate you.

They kill you.

Slowly.

Love is beautiful.

When you start loving someone, the world feels like heaven.

But love can be deceiving.

It hurts thousands of people.

Loving someone means you are ready to be hurt.

It means you are ready to fall apart.

It means crying is going to be a part of your life.

It means a litre of tears.

I wish love is like a fairytale.

Where there is only a witch and her plans.

Where there is a man with his true love.

Where there is no other.

Where there is no lie.

Where there is no religion.

Where there is only you and me.

Yeah, I wish.

I really wish.

I wish love is like how they described it in love songs.

'I won't give up', says Jason Mraz.

To be 'Crazy in love' like Beyonce.

To 'Love you inside out' says Bee Gees.

Because Barry White 'can't get enough of your love, babe'.

Always be 'close to you', says The Carpenters.

Because Ray Charles know 'I can't stop loving you'.

Trust me, these are the words I really want you to hear.

I really want you to know.

I really do.

:'(