April 13th

April 13th is my birthday. Not a good date people usually told me. And I have to admit that I actually believed it as well because a lot of terrible things will happen either on my birthday or the day before. I have lived with that kind of thinking for years now and never bother to think or even plan anything on my birthday because I know bad things will happen anyway.

However, this year I don't know what triggers me but I actually planned something. I want to have at least once a birthday celebration for myself. A good one. So I planned. And to be frank, I was really looking forward for my coming birthday. I took a risk. Unfortunately, as expected, things didn't go well. All the things I planned seems went way off board. Everything was fucked up. And another confession from me? Yes, I gave up.

But thinking of it again, I was like no. Not this time. Not this birthday. Not now. I'm not going to let my life controls me. I should be in control of my life. I'm gonna celebrate my birthday even if I were to celebrate it all by myself. I'm not going to just sit down and accept this so-called-fate. No, I'm not gonna to do that. I have enough celebrating Christmas by myself, New Year by myself, doing nothing but crying. No, I'm so not gonna do that. I'll not let a single tear fall off my cheek this time. I'm stronger now, aren't I? I'm not that little girl anymore that cried each time other people bully me. This time I'll stand up straight and tell those people to just fuck off. I have been living independently now and I don't see any reason why I should regret for deciding it that way. Condemn me as you like, disappoint me, leave me, whatever you like, do it. I dare you. I DOUBLE DARE YOU, MOTHERFUCKERS.

P/s: This post is written due to the stress and problems I'm having right now. Please do not be offended. I'm just writing this to let my feelings out in a healthy way. At least I don't go for suicide anymore, right? Ahahaha good day, mates! ^^

Grown-up Conversation

For the first time in my life, my hero and I have a grown-up conversation. It's weird but I find it quite relaxing. I mean, it feels like I can tell him everything, you know? I guess it all started last Christmas, when my sisters and I had an argument and the only person I can talk to was my dad, my hero. Since that, the way we talked is just different. I feel like really, really, really and adult now. Ahahaha

So what I meant about that whole grown-up thingy was about my relationship now. I don't know. Things got pretty serious in just a couple of days and I just don't know how to explain that. My hero called and asked about Mr Joe, how is he doing and those things. Then, talks about future. Then the list just went on. It sounds really crazy to me. But I'm glad I can at last talk openly about my relationship to him, you know. I hate the idea of being in a relationship and have to hide it from the world just because of some idiotic reasons. I mean when I am in a relationship, I want everybody to know. I want the whole world to know. I prefer it that way. When people ask, "so Lala, are you still single?" I really want to answer proudly, "oh, no. I'm taken." I hate it when I have to lie just because I can't tell who am I with now. Ahh forget it. So complicated. Anyway, I really feel relieved right now. I don't have to hide my relationship anymore.

So back to the topic, grown-up conversation. Usually  Asian family, they don't discuss about sex, you know? Then my hero and I talked about it. Please don't get me wrong. Ahahaha he was trying to advise me to take care of myself as her little girl. He doesn't want anything bad to happen to me. At first I felt weird to have this kind of conversation with my dad. But the conversation went well. I appreciate his effort to talk about it to me. He must have had rehearsed it for so many times to make it sounds acceptable. Ahahaha

Really missing my hero right now. He told me to go back this May, but I keep giving excuses. Not that I don't want to go back, you see. It's just that I'm not ready. I don't wanna come back and then be called a spoiled little daughter who only knows how to spend money. NO, that's not who I am. I am an independent woman and I'll prove it to all of you. I'm really sorry, dad. I just can't go back. At least not now. :'(

Life?

Fuh, lately I've been thinking of what life really is. Honestly, I don't know. And I'm afraid I won't be able to figure that out. Been living a busy and tough life lately. Well, I couldn't blame anyone for that because I'm the one who decides to live that way. Ahahaha :)

I was very busy handling events which one by one came to me in a very unexpected time. The thing about me is that I don't like rejecting any projects given to me because I feel responsible for it and that is not good as I need my own time and space for myself too. Sigh. I really need to work on that part. To add to my hectic life, I rented a car and started a taxi business - taking my friends from college to the places they want to go, and get them back to college. As if these events and business are not enough, I started working as a part-timer at McDonald, again. And now it is every weekend so I don't have time anymore to have fun or have my lazy day anymore. It's a good thing though, for that means I'll have something to be busy with everyday and thus I won't have any time to think about my problems with my family. Thinking about it will make me feel down and I don't like that feeling. So this will solve it in a way.

People keep asking me whether I have any financial problem. So let me answer that here (just in case anyone of you are reading this), I wouldn't say that I'm having any financial problem now. I still have enough money. Even if my bank account is out of money, I still have my savings. So I do not actually have much worry about money. I guess I just feel responsible about my life. I am now 21 years old and the idea of still living with the help of my family, financially, is just embarrassing. The argument I had with my sisters did give a positive effect to me, as I now learn to be independent. If there's anything I need, I'll try to do it myself first before asking people and now my family is the last one to ask. Because I don't want to be a burden. I want to be a daughter that they can count on. Yes, I want to be that girl. So, have I answer your question? :)

Now I still haven't thought of when to go back to my hometown. Before, I was always eager to go back but now, I don't know. I'm afraid to go back. I'm scared. I guess I just need time. I'll go back once I'm ready. And before that time comes, I want to make sure that I can give what my parents want. :)

I guess that's all for now. Adios ^_^

Missing them.

A warning to my readers, this post is gonna be an emotional one so I recommend you to skip this post if you are not interested in reading it. I don't wanna waste your time, you see. Aren't I a good person? Ahahaha ^.^

While I was scrolling my news feed on Facebook, I stumbled upon a few pictures uploaded by my sister. Pictures of my family, celebrating Chinese New Year. And I started to cry. I know it is stupid but I cried anyway. I guess I'm just jealous for I couldn't be there with my family when everybody is there. Well, it's partly my fault. I was the one who decided not to go back. I was the one who refused to go back. I was the one who stayed away from my family. But I have my reasons. My very own reasons.

My presence may not mean anything to them but their presence means everything to me. I really wish those arguments, misunderstandings, between me and my sisters had never happened. It makes me feel sick whenever I think of it. It kills my desire to go back to my family. It ruins my hope to have a big, happy family.  It tears my heart to pieces. It breaks my soul. Yes, it did. I left because I want them to feel happy. Well, they do look really happy in the pictures. I don't think I ever had the chance to take a picture with all my family members if it's not in a studio. That's why I said earlier that my presence may not mean anything to them. As long as they are happy, then I guess I'll be okay here. Even if that means away from them. You see, what's the point of being near to your loved ones but not seeing them happy? It's better to be away from your loved ones and to know that they are happy without you. Far much better.

I remembered the morning my dad called, wanting me to go back. I cried while I was on the phone and tried my best to hide it. It was difficult but I made it. I really wanted to go back but thinking of all those tough moments when I had the arguments with my sisters, I just couldn't afford to go back. It was really painful. I don't want to experience the same thing again. I love them so much that arguing with them hurts me more than words can express. I can't do it. I love my dad, I love my mom, I love my sisters, I love them all. I just... Sigh. I know I gotta be strong. But if this is life, I think I'm giving it up. I'm tired. Really really tired.

My Happy Family :)

Christmas

You see, I'm a Christian and I do celebrate Christmas, the day Jesus was born. One thing about Christmas day is that families would gather and have a very wonderful, joyful time together. Where you can feel love everywhere. Since I was a little kid, I used to celebrate Christmas like no other day. I'd spent the whole day with my family and friends, eating cookies, getting presents, it's just awesome. But recently, I don't feel that anymore. For the past few years, I've been spending Christmas like it's just a normal day with only myself or my parents. That's all.

And this year, it got worse. Everybody knows that family is the best part of Christmas, or is it I'm the only one who thinks that way? My family always come first. In everything I do, family is the most important. When I date a guy, I'll make sure my family accepts him. If no, then I'll just let him go even if I love him so much. I don't mind. When I'm sick, my family is the last one to know, because I don't want my family to be worried of me. I want them to think that I'm always fine. When I know I did something wrong, I'll tell my family and apologize. I love my family more than I love myself. I tried to do my best in making my family to like me. But it just won't work. And I'm tired of all these. It really is tiring. I guess they don't need me anyway. Sigh.

Anyway, I'm very grateful that God still loves me. So I decided to take a year to live by myself as what my sister told me to. She once said that I'm the one who doesn't want to be with them, so if that is what she thinks, then that's what I'd do. I guess that will make them happy. And making them happy is my priority. :)

Next year is gonna be a whole new year for me. I gotta stand by myself. It's time for me to grow up. Are you with meeeeeee???? Ahahahaha

O Lord, help me to get through this, Amen.