We plan, God laughs.

Doesn't He? :)

So the plan to hike around the country has to be canceled because my cousin is not available. I mean I am a girl, and to hitchhike all the way all by myself is very dangerous, especially in a time like this (where murder and kidnap are very common). :(

And the argument between my and my sis has cooled down. She didn't actually apologized, she just brushed it off by inviting me over for a drink. Well, that's our way to apologize anyway.

My third sis has just recently deliver a baby boy. He's cute and it makes me really wanna have babies of my own! Hahahaha I have 5 nieces and 6 nephews now but this is the first time that I actually seen a baby fresh from oven. It was so exciting! Hahaha oh somebody, marry me please! Haha

Apologize.

For the first time after a month, my dad actually said something about my argument with my sister. Today morning as he dropped me off to school, he asked me to apologize. I was quite hurt. I mean he knows what I have been through with her, those arguments before this that I have let her pass, semua yang aku sudah maafkan ad pretended like it didn't happen and those yang aku maafkan though I myself was already so broken inside. So the only thing I was able to say was no. I told him I am hurt enough, I am broken enough, and I am not going to apologize anymore for things that I have done no wrong. She has never take me as one of her sisters. I was left alone for so many times. I have been patient for so many years. I won't take this no more. No more negativity in my life. I'd rather spend my days alone loving myself than spend my days with everybody else, unloved.

She might have forgotten the day she left me the night before Christmas. She might have forgotten that I was invited to our friend's party last time. She might have forgotten that I worked my ass off to get all the things I have. She might have forgotten that I was left hanging and abandoned by my fiance. And I have no intention to remind her all that. Yet, she condemned me as if I was the worst person on earth. I have never asks her money nor have I done any damage in her life. So I owe her nothing. I know she's been through a difficult life ever since her husband passed away. And I was there for her, didn't I? Trying my best to help her in everything she needs. But she's been treating me this way years before and now that it's getting worse, I just can't take it anymore.

But I love my dad. I love him. Truly. He is always there to listen to my cry. I heard his voice cracking when he replied to my no, 'aku tau. Tapi ni bukan apa yang I taught all my daughters. Minta maaf sja la sama dia..'. Dad, I know you pity her sebab she is a single mother now. But being in a tough situation doesn't give anyone the right to bitch around. Sigh.. this is just difficult. Don't worry dad, a few more days more and I'll go. Sebab aku, she won't come to any family party. Sebab aku, mom is not sleeping in the house at night anymore. Sebab aku, it's difficult for my parents to see their granddaughter. So no worries. I'll leave. Just give me a few days more to complete my fucking semester. You see, 'it is far better to endure patiently a smart which nobody feels but yourself, than to commit a hasty action whose evil consequences will extend to all connected with you' (Charlotte Bronte, 1847). It is really true. I mean, kalau kepergian aku boleh bagi diorang semua kelegaan, then aku rela sakit sendiri. I love my dad too much to make him feel bad about all this. She needs my family more. She is alone. Me? I am already used to being independent. So no worries about me.

Sudah la, malas sudah aku fikir. Last last aku juga mengalah kan. Hahaha trep trep ja kunun kuat, nda mau mengalah first first tapi in the end mengalah juga. Lari juga. So me. Haha

Hiking across the country!

Yesterday, while chatting with my cousin, I found out that he needed a get away too. So I took the chance to propose to him about the idea of backpacking around the states in West Malaysia. He wasn't just keen of hearing it, he even proposed a better idea! He said, instead of traveling aimlessly, why not find hills and mountains to hike and climb? I was like, damn, why didn't I think of that?? Hahaha

However, since we're both still are not earning anything, this travel will be an extremely low-budget one. You know, with sleeping bag and hitch-hiking. We thought that this would be a great start for us as we both have the passion in traveling and of course would like to travel around the world one day. So why not try to experience backpacking in our own country first? So today we are already starting writing all the mountains and hills that we'd like to visit in West Malaysia and the directions to go there. We are planning to start our journey from Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia (as our flight is directly to Kuala Lumpur), then slowly moving to up north (Perak, Penang, Kedah, Perlis) afterwards make a turn to South (Kelantan, Terengganu,Pahang, Johor) then comes back to Kuala Lumpur (through Malacca, Negeri Sembilan and Selangor).

While doing my research on the places we'd like to visit, I found out that there are so many beautiful places in Malaysia that I have never heard of and this excites me! I mean, 23 years living in Malaysia but I feel like I know nothing about it. I can't wait for this journey to start. Well, if any of you are interested in joining us, do contact me! The more, the merrier! :)

Heartless.

To be honest, sometimes most of the time, I really hope that I don't have a  heart that cares. Especially in school. You know how sad it is to not be appreciated? Like you tried your best to come up with activities just to make them learn, or buy more and more gifts so that they'll be interested in participating in the classroom? I mean, I don't get anything from this. I don't have any salary yet and my teaching is not even evaluated. So truthfully, I can just go to the classroom, let them do what they want and I can just do whatever I feel like to.

Too bad, I can't.

It's like everyday I enter the classroom, there will be almost no attention given by the pupils. Well, maybe for a short while but then trust me, give them 3 minutes and I'm already in the zoo. I guess I am just not patient enough. Seriously, how can I continue being a primary school teacher if this is continuing? I have been patient for one whole month and today I snapped. Sigh. Again, the problem is not with the kids. It's just that I can't control my anger. Should I really seek help? Hahaha

But really, looking at some teachers who could not care less of their pupils, I really hope that I can be like one of them. I mean, that way I will stress less and be happier, ya know? I don't have to crack my head just to think of fun activities to be conducted in the classroom, I don't have to use my own fucking pocket money just to motivate the kids extrinsically, I'll have a good time on my own - reading novels while having hot choco. Sounds more fun, no? Hahaha

Maths?

I was so into Mathematics when I was in secondary school. I love counting. It's like I was born to calculate. Hahaha but growing up, I realized I hated counting. Why? Because the more I count, the more I noticed that I have only a few friends and families that I can count on. I don't blame them. I never do. Because the problem is with me. I was the one who hoped too much when I know I shouldn't. Living as almost a fully independent lady for 23 years, I knew very well that the only person that I can depend on is me, myself and I. However as much as I wanted to be that independent, I keep hoping that someone will come and share those pains.

The worst part of being the 'strongest' is that nobody really asks whether you are okay or not. Nobody realizes your tears behind your smiles. Nobody checks on you when you are sitting quietly in your room. Nobody notices when was your last meal. Nobody. Because everybody know you will do great. Little did they realize, you are only human. Human who has feelings of your own, who can be terribly hurt as well. Now, tell yourself this, cukup-cukuplah kesiankan diri ko tu. Stand up straight and walk on. Pick yourself up. In the end of the day, you'll see you can do much better alone anyway. Hahaha

Aku pun ndatau apa benda aku merepek tengah malam ni. Esok kena bangun awal pagi and it's already 12.30 in the morning. Been having sleepless nights lately. Hate it to the max. Knowing me, you'll know that I sleep 12 hours a day. And I get depressed when I don't have enough. Hahaha I wish all of you a good night. Hope I can have better sleep tonight.

"Funny when you're dead and how people start listening."

Mangasok.

What is mangasok? It is a Dusun word for seeding, particularly paddy. I spent my last weekend at my uncle's mangasok. It was my first experience and though it was tiring, I had real fun. That weekend, I did not only learn mangasok but I also learnt a lot about life.

While I was complaining, countless of time, about how difficult and terrible my life was, I realized others have even tougher life. I heard my uncle talked about the land they have been living since they were kids is going to be taken away by some heartless companies. He said no one wanted to help them and they just don't know what else to do. They were also told that court order will be out very soon. Uncle cakap lagi, dia bukan mau defend tanah dia ja, tapi tanah orang kampung lain juga. The problem is orang kampung lain takut sebab the lawyer told them that it is better for them to give up their land now as they will be given a sum of money to replace the land (not that much) but it is (kononnya) better than to have nothing later on.

You see, orang kampung have been living all their life there. Too bad, diorang tiada geran. So it is so difficult to win this case (based on my personal opinion). Tapi uncle cakap, tanah tu sudah diberikan sejak selepas penjajahan British lagi dan hak diorang tidak patut diambil so they are trying to fight over it. However, this doesn't sound that strong (to me, at least). Diorang cakap, the saddest part was even the politician yang sepatutnya tolong diorang (as the people have voted him) pun nda mau tolong. He said he can't do anything. But the funny part was, the politician was seen on the newspapers 'trying to help orang Lahad Datu to save their land'. Aunt aku memang marah. Ya la, orang kampung sendiri nda mau tolong, tapi rajin pula p sampai Lahad Datu 'tolong orang'. Choiiiiii!! Orang memang macamni. I've learnt about this since forever. Yang bukan family punya semangat mau tolong, yang family dibiar kelaparan. Sama seperti our own country. Pelarian dari negara luar dibagi pekerjaan, rakyat sendiri jadi apa? Sigh..

Anyway on that weekend, I also learnt about family. Turned out, my uncle and his siblings had an argument before this. So my uncle apologized publicly to all of them and said that his ego was the cause of all that has happened. I automatically remembered about the argument I had with my sister. At that time, I knew I had to make it right by meeting her face to face. Tapi kita cuma merancang kan? Back at home, I heard another story. Turned out, all my other sisters knew about our argument and most of them despised me. They were upset. So in the story, I was wrong. In every way. Terus patah hati buat ke sekian kalinya. Right then, I knew, I really had to leave. It's not an option, it's a must. I mean, obviously, they didn't want me here. They are not comfortable with my presence so why bother? I'm looking for every reason to stay and they are giving me every reason to leave. I love them and looking at them torn apart between me and her (actually nda pun, diorang mmg closer with her), I just can't. Every night my mom will be sleeping at her's and my dad will be sleeping with my younger bro. Like, what have I done to the family? Sigh, time please fly. I can't stand it anymore. The guilt for destroying my own family is far too great.

"The sharp knife of a short life,

Well, I've just had enough time"

When Reality Strikes.

Being in a relationship is always about give and take. You can't let only one person giving while the other only receiving. It has to be from both sides. Especially when it comes to a couple that are both from different culture, different upbringing. The challenges are far greater. The 'give and take' situations are far more extreme than the couples who are from the same circle, same culture, same faith and same upbringing.

I, have always wanted to have a family of my own. I believe all of us do. But the difference is that I wanted a family that consists of different cultures. Intermarriage. I myself is a product of mix marriage and though I find it difficult as I can't find that one group of which I can be really accepted for who I am, I still find it great as I can socialize well with everybody. It's like I always have something to talk to with others and there is always something new to be learnt. Like I can go to my Chinese friends and start talking about the Chinese culture that we practice at home and those that we don't, or drinking traditional Kadazan drinks with my fellow Sabahans, and even sharing recipes with my Filipino friends. With a bit of blood from here and there, I get to learn many things as a start. Not to mention about my curiosity that I also started to learn other languages and cultures as well. So I see the advantages there and I want to have that in my family as well. But you see, it is never easy. To find someone who is looking for the same thing like you do. Damn, it's difficult. That's why, I guess, all of my ex-boyfriends are of different races though most of them share the same culture as mine since we are all Malaysians.

However, as mentioned earlier, relationship is about give and take. So recently another argument arises in my relationship. He, being someone who is of a different race, finds it very difficult to accept my culture though I have already sacrificed a lot from my side. It is so dissapointing because it seemed that he is trying to change me into someone that completely practices his culture when I myself have my own culture that I wish to preserve. If I were to sacrifice a lot, of course I still hope to keep at least a little bit of my culture as my identity. However, he could not understand this part and I can't expect him to understand as well. I mean, maybe we wanted different thing, and I just can't force him to want the same thing like I do.

Sigh.. Looking for a companion for a lifetime isn't easy. Sometimes you just feel like you found the one but as time goes you realized that it's not happening. Sad, isn't it? Last-last, terpaksa juga cari orang sendiri. Sebab diorang ja akan faham cara hidup kita, cara kita dibesarkan. Nda payah pening pasal give and take. Hmm..

Masa.

Sebelum ni aku rasa masa berlalu telampau laju. Macam buka mata ja, weekend sudah. Buka lagi, another weekend. Tapi since the argument, the time felt like moving too slowly. Dengan days yang I had to watch my mom rush to her house at night to accompany her at home, and then rush back home in the morning because my mom needs to get ready to work. It kills me everyday. You know, the feeling like you are the cancer. You kill everybody else. You know that feeling? Sigh..

Paid off all of my debts that I had before I came back and I left almost nothing in my pocket. Well, as the saying goes, 'jangan malu ketika kelihatan miskin. Malulah ketika berpura-pura kaya' so I don't mind having no money in my pocket if that means I owe people nothing.

Sudah la, penat mau pikir. Masalah dunia, mana pandai selesai. Yang penting, di mana kedudukan ku bulan depan?..

Lala Koh - Assalamualaikum

Another cover song from us. I love this song because it talks about how Malaysia really is. I mean, we've heard too much lies about '1 Malaysia'. Everybody is shouting it out loud but are we really practicing it? The lyrics touched me deeply.



However, as expected, there were a few negative responses from others. Some of the non-Muslims were not happy with me singing a song with Arabic words because they say it's Muslims'. I beg you please, open up your mind. Language does not have anything to do with your faith. I have learnt Arabic for 6 years and it is simply a language. Does learning Chinese, then, make you a Buddhist? Or a Hindu? Or a Christian? No. You are what you believe.



Anyway, listen to the song and tell me what you think about me. There were a few errors made towards the end of my singing though. Too excited while singing. Hahaha



Enjoy!

Moved Out.

Came back home, I didn't see her car there. So I asked my dad, where is she? My dad didn't even look at me and he replied, 'ndatau la apa masalah. She moved out today morning'. So I replied, 'oh, sebab kami gaduh'. Based on daddy punya muka, I knew, she told him what happened. I just don't know how far she's telling the truth.

I mean, benda semua ni, pasal what I have written in my previous entry was actually happening since the last few years. Cuma it exploded last Saturday. I just couldn't handled it anymore. She's been talking behind my back to my mom whenever I wasn't around and I knew this from my other sisters. Cuma aku malas mau cakap. Aku letak tepi ja. But on that Saturday, I just exploded.

I went to the kitchen and my mom was there and even she didn't look at me. I remembered when we had our first huge argument last two years, we argued because she left me at Sandakan when she promised to go back together with me. She went back, told my mom that she went back alone because I didn't want to go back, when in fact I wanted to go back but she asked me to stay for a while. I was so pissed. I mean how could you leave your sis the day before Christmas Eve, all alone? Expecting me to celebrate Christmas Eve all by myself? Honestly, I guess that's why Christmas means nothing to me anymore since that year. So I wonder, what did she tell our parents this time? Aku malaslah mau kasi clear the air. Kalau diorang mau tau dari mulutku sendiri, they'll ask. If not, then I won't bother either.

So she moved out with her baby. I bet my parents are crazily worried about her because then she'll be living alone with her baby. Sigh. Each time I came back home, I'll argue with her or with my younger sis. I really don't feel belong here. I mean they were a happy family without me these past few years. They never had any problem. So I guess the problem is just with me. Sebab I'm not always home so they are already too used to it. Sabarlah semua, habis ja benda intern ni di Sabah, I'll go. I mean, what's the point of being 'home' if you don't feel like 'home'?. What's the point of being here when no one wants you here? Seriously. Aku, prinsip hidup aku senang. Kalau hidup menyusahkan orang, then don't bother living. Sebab aku, my parents didn't get to see their granddaughter. Sabar ya, nanti aku chow. Dua bulan ja lagi.

Muka putih, hati hitam.

Aku pantang bila ditegur pasal pengurusan wang. Kenapa? Sebab aku bukan jenis yang meminta. Cuma bila betul-betul perlu, baru aku minta. Kalau sudah tiada duit, baru aku minta. Selagi aku boleh berdikari, aku berdikari.Tapi aku selalu ja dengar mulut-mulut sumbang yang cakap aku manja, boros, suka hati minta duit. Kau nda berada dalam situasi ku jadi jangan cakap.

Hanya sebab kononnya dia nampak aku post gambar ku di media sosial memakai baju yang berbeza-beza, aku dia label sebagai boros. Padahal aku jarang sekali beli pakaian baru. Kalau beli pun bukan yang berjenama macam dia sebab aku tau kemampuan aku. Pakaian, ku, barang-barang aku, kebanyakannya orang lain bagi. Baju kurung, T-shirt, kasut sukan, seluar, you name it. Ada yang lecturer bagi, ada yang kawan bagi, ada yang guru sekolah bagi, ada yang boss bagi. Tu lah, suka berprasangka buruk pasal orang. Hati bila hitam kita buat cmna sekali pun yang buruk juga dia nampak.

Lepastu bising cakap aku kaya. Elaun RM595 sebulan. Choiii.. Kau dulu study duduk dalam asrama. Transport pun nda perlu, boyfriend pula kaya, elaun kau jauh lebih tinggi daripada aku. Aku? Aku duduk luar, kena sewa rumah, ada transport, mana kayanya? Tapi part ni memang aku silap. Sebab aku duduk luar. Apa boleh buat. Dulu ingatkan aku sudah ada rumah untuk tinggal bersama kononnya bakal suami, tapi jodoh nda panjang, mau buat cmna. He left and it's not like I can easily move in maktab balik. Ya, memang aku salah menilai lelaki. Yang itu aku kena akui. Lepastu bising lagi cakap yang aku 'mau sangat ada kereta'. Tolong lah. Aku memang perlu kereta. Kau expect aku g skolah pakai apa? Basikal? Kau ingat jarak dari Tambun p Kampar berapa? 5km? Aku pernah cycle dari Kampar balik Ipoh. Tu pun ambik masa 2 jam lebih. Jadi kau expect aku p mengajar bawa ABM cycle 2 jam lebih setiap awal pagi then balik petang? Sudah ada transport mestilah mau pakai petrol. Petrol satu hal, maintenance lagi satu hal. Masa aku perlu semua tu, aku minta idea daripada family, ada ka yang mau bantu? Last last I had to crack my own head utuk selesaikan this problem? Kau ada tanya cmna aku solved? Tiada.

Bila tayar aku meletup, enjin nda mau hidup, wiring masalah, bumbung kereta nda mau tutup, roadtax kena bayar, ada aku minta kau duit? Ada aku minta duit parents? TIADA. Kau ingat benda tu murah? Ribu kena pakai. Aku ikut perut sebab perlu pakai duit, aku tebalkan muka pinjam duit sana sini, aku jual barang-barang yang mana dapat jual. Yang tu ada kau nampak> Ada kau fikir? Tiada.

Aku balik sini kau ingat tiada kos? Hantar barang semua free? Kau ingat barang aku selama 6 tahun duduk di perantauan ni sikit? Sehelai sepinggang? Apa kau ingat kos hantar kereta balik sepuluh sen? Ale utoh! Benda tu semua ada aku minta duit parents? TIADA. Aku jual lagi barang aku, aku pinjam lagi duit orang sebab aku ndamau susahkan family. Tapi ada kau tanya? Kau langsung nda tanya cmna aku angkut segala barang tapi ko senang lenang cakap aku boros. Seriously, kau nda akan faham sebab kau kaya. Kereta pun nda perlu bayar, ada gaji sendiri, ada lagi duit dari kebun, tinggals ama family. Duit beribu di poket, rilek la kan mau cakap orang. Aku selalu tolong orang bukan sebab aku banyak duit, tapi sebab I know how it feels like to have nothing. Bila aku ada setakat RM3 di dompet, aku ingat lagi, aku tetap belanja kawan aku roti sebab dia sudah langsung tiada duit. Kau nda pernah kerja McD macam aku, berbasikal dari maktab ke tempat kerja. Kau nda pernah kerja Starbucks macam aku. Kau nda pernah ajar tuition macam aku. Kau nda pernah kerja driver macam aku. Kau nda pernah merasa kehilangan weekend macam aku sebab aku kerja dari Isnin sampai Ahad. Sampai orang tegur, 'kau tiada life ka, Lala?' Orang cakap kononnya kagum dengan aku sebab berdikari tapi nampaknya diorang ja boleh nampak semua usaha aku tu. So aku memang rasa kau nda layak mau cakap pasal aku. Kau nda pernah jadi vegetarian berbulan lamanya sebab duit kau nda cukup makan. Kau kurus sebab ko diet, aku kurus sebab duit makan nda cukup. Nampak beza kita di situ?

Ingatkan bila balik hometown, senang la sikit. Boleh bermanja dengan family lepas 6 tahun duduk di perantauan. Tapi to be honest, I wanted to stay in West Malaysia instead haritu. Tapi daddy suruh balik. Kalau nda, nda juga kau menyampah tengok muka aku kan? Rasa macam mau move out ja. Berdikari like how I used to. Sakit hati dengar komplen yang 'kaya bha ko ni, belilah makanan sendiri, barang sendiri'. Uinah, aku aminkan ayat kau. Satu hari, beb. Satu hari. Habis ja belajar, aku akan cepat-cepat cari kerja. Cari duit makan sendiri. Kau tunggu. Cuma ingat, semua benda ni duniawi. Bila-bila Tuhan mau ambil hak Dia, Dia akan ambil. Jangan riak mengata orang. Yang aku tau, aku akan ingat siapa yang ada saat aku jatuh, siapa yang tolong aku saat aku tiada duit pun mau makan.

Lala Koh - Like I'm Gonna Lose You

Just uploaded my new cover song on YouTube. The last time I uploaded a cover song was about four months ago. Been busy since then. Now? Too free at school for my internship. Hahaha



One thing I noticed is that I have a blogging pattern. Like, the most active blogging will occur during my practicum phases. Hahaha I guess that means it gets really boring being in schools. Sigh. How can I be a teacher with an attitude like this? I mean I used to love teaching. Now it feels like a burden. I used to be excited to wake up and prepare for schools. Now, even the thought of going to school annoys me. Damn!



Anyway, do check out my new cover of Like I'm Gonna Lose You by Meghan Trainor and John Legend. Drop some comments so that I can improve from your feedback! <3

Fire.

So I saw this statement on Facebook:

When a girl is sick;

Le boyfriend: Don't forget to take your meds, okay? I love you.

Scandal: I'm outside your house. Bought you some meds.

Scandal wins.

People, I have to agree on this. I'm not agreeing on the 'girls should have scandals to take care of them' thing, but I'm agreeing on the fact that when we are already in relationships, we tend to take things for granted. Why? Because we thought we have secured our place in our partners' heart. But have we? Really?

Try to take a min of your life and reflect. How it really was when you started flirting with your lady or your man? How was it when you just started your relationships? Did you buy her a bouquet a flower? Did you open the door for her? Did you prepare meals for him when he was sick? Did you help him walk when he got injured? These little things mean a lot to every each of us. If there's any, even one, of my readers do not feel touched when their couple did one of these, then I guess I am completely wrong.

I mean, why did we stop doing all these?

I remembered most of my ex-bfs were acting all the same. Like the first few months, or even few weeks, when we started dating, they'll be all gentlemen - pretending to be the princes they never were. Buying me flowers, phone calls till late at night, early morning messages, giving sweet quotes, then in the end it slowed down and completely gone. Not that I want all of these everyday but it sure is nice to still keep the spark by doing it every now and then. I mean, why not? It's not that difficult to find a min to just say 'Hey, I miss you' or a short 30 seconds call to say 'I love you'. I don't know, I guess my expectations are too high. Because I am the kind of lady that will throw dinner surprises or giving presents whenever I feel like it, the type of lady that will text my man whenever I think of him and the lady that puts her man as her priority. That's why I expect the same thing from my man. To my disappointment, these kind of men are so difficult to find! Hahaha

To be honest, there was one but I let him go (again, this one sad story from Miss Granny). If you are following my post, you will know who he is. You know, the one that became my only regret. We were friends before we got together. He was always there for me since we were friends. I remembered how he used to call me because I was afraid to walk up my college's stairs at night. So we will be talking the minute I got to the stairs until I reached my room. I'd call him whenever I couldn't sleep at night and when I suddenly woke up in the middle of the night. He'd accompany me for my crazy food-craving. He even broke into the girls' dorm just because I was sick and he couldn't contact me. It didn't stop even after two years being together. He was the only person who could put up with me. This is important because I can be very childish when I am with someone I love dearly (so if I got very childish with you, that simply means I love you hehe). I guess, that's why the breakup hurt a lot. But all that was in the past. I've moved on. He moved on. I even heard he's in a serious relationship now and I'm happy for him. The point is, will I ever meet someone like him again?

You see, no one will be the same. That's why when I decided to let in someone new, I never compare. At first it was difficult but I tried and slowly I got over it. I even decided to leave all the past for this one guy I knew. He was kind, he was willing to learn but both of us have a very bad temper. My theory is simple, I am 'fire' so I need to find someone with 'water' element. I mean if both of us are of fire elements, no one will surrender and in the end it will kill the relationship. Yes, I was told that I need to lower my ego especially in the argument but you see, I don't see why should I apologize when I know it wasn't my fault? Who is egoistic now, then? Once I start apologizing for something that is not my mistake, I will be apologizing for all mistakes that I do not do in the future. Makes sense? Deep down I really do not want to walk away from this relationship like I did last time because I really wanted this to work out. I can see myself next to him in the future. But if both of us are really fire, then what should I do? Change my element to water? That calls for a huge transformation, man. And I don't think I can change that easily. I don't know. Sigh. I guess I  just have no luck in relationships.

Say something I'm giving up on you.

Missing you.

After you passed away in 2005, I had only dreamt about you once. That was a couple of days after your funeral. I dreamt about you telling me not to be sad because you're happy up there. You told me how sad you were to see me crying on my bed refusing to eat. You told me to pray for you and for me. You told me to send your regards to your family. That was the first and the last one I dreamt about you after you went away. And today, surprisingly, I dreamed of you again. It was really unexpected because it's been years. I never expect to dream of you again because as much as I want to say that I miss you a lot, I also have to admit that as time went on, the memories start to fade away as well. I'm sorry for that. :( I guess this is your way to remind me about you. That our friendship should never be forgotten. :( I am really sorry, B. I never mean to forget you. :(

Last night, I dreamt about us. You know, those old times. When we always thought of running away? Ahahahahaha yeah, those times. In that dream, I was very young. Around our age when we were young and stupid. (I'm still stupid now) ahahahaha I was waiting for you at my old house, with a bagpack behind me. You arrived, driving your late dad's red 4WD, with your younger sister. Like usual, you looked happy. We were so excited. I hopped in. I didn't even know where we were going. Ahahahaha and we left. Then I woke up and started missing you. Where were you taking me? The dream was too short for me, you left me hanging. I miss you. :(

Friendship was very pure when we were kids. We were honest to each other. We were happy together. We had fun together. Is there anything like that today? I don't know. Even I find myself not being honest to others as well. You know, to avoid from hurting them. Anyway, I miss you. I miss us. Thanks for the dream. At least it reminded me of you. :')

Frustrated!

Another one week three days more before my SAS Eco-Challenge 2015 at Tioman Island and so many obstacles are cropping up! I really wanna join this race for heaven's sake!

First, stamina. To run 30 km on road is acceptable for my stamina. I mean I can train to achieve that. However, in this race, the contestants need not only run, we need to climb and hike in the forest. The 30 km is the total distance of running + climbing + hiking. If you read the reviews of other people who have joined this race in the previous years, you will know how difficult it is. Some contestants who have joined climbathon before (if you're into sports you will know how difficult a climbathon is) could not complete the race within the time given. Imagine me? A beginner. Someone who is not that athletic. An anemic. Oh, I'm gonna die! Ahahahaha I took 25mins to run a total of 3 km on treadmill. Imagine running on road and in the forest? Damn!

But for me it's okay. The experience is what I aim for. I don't mind losing because to lose is to experience as well. :)

Then came the second obstacle. Financial. At first (based on my calculation), my budget was okay. I was able to join this race without much financial problem. So I started registering for other events as well. Also buying some health products since I need those with my active lifestyle. Slowly I began to realize that this month I have to move out from my rental house because I need to find somewhere nearer to my college. Which means I need money to move all my stuff from one house to another. Which means I need money to rent out another house. Which means I will be needing money more than usual this particular month. Shit! Ahahahaahha miscalculated! My bad! Totally! Completely!

But then I checked out my saving that I have just started last month (a saving especially for Mt. Everest) and I was relieved to see that there is at least something to add to my budget for this race. Well, I can start saving for Mt. Everest after the race, anyway.

After that, came the biggest obstacle of all time! Exam! See, before we sit for exam, we need to attend an exam briefing. This, we have to attend every semester, 2 weeks before exam week starts. They will repeat the same thing over and over again. I bet they are bored too. What can we say, it's protocol. We have to do it even if it means wasting time and energy. Guess what? The exam briefing is held on the day before race itself which is on the 8th. Whyyyyyyyyy?? I mean, to go to Tioman island, I had to take a bus to KL (Terminal Bersepadu Selatan) then hop into another bus to Mersing and take a ferry to Tioman island. The total journey will be 3 hours (Ipoh-KL) + 5 hours (KL-Mersing) + 1.5 hours (Mersing-Tioman) = 10 hours. And I haven't count the waiting time for every public transport. Which means, I have to leave at least on the 7th so that I will be reaching Tioman on the 8th to be able to register and attend the race briefing. Now, how am I going to do that?

First, I thought of asking my lecturer's help by saying this is emergency. Maybe I can attend the exam briefing on the day before the race or after. If not, I guess MC it is. :( I seriously don't like to do this. Sigh.. Tell me what to do......

Outrage!

At school, pupils are scared of me. Well, maybe not only at school. Even other people are scared of me. Ahahahahaha I may look very furious but actually I am very friendly once you know me well. As they say, don't judge a book by its cover! :)

However, today I exploded in the classroom. I don't know what happened but I just did. It all started when the kids starting to report every time their peers do something. You know, kids. They report every little little thing.

'Miss Koh, Siti said I am stupid.'

'Miss Koh, Adam mocked me.'

'Miss Koh, Qholis took 10 cent from me.'

'Miss Koh, Imran stick out his tongue.'

'Miss Koh, Fais touched my book.'

Urghhhhh.. it's tiring to hear all that every day, every second of my lesson! Why? Because it always interrupts the flow of my lesson! Ahahahaha then they started making planes out of papers. I do not allow it in the classroom because it disturbs the other pupils. Usually I just had to warn them once or twice but today after so many times warning over and over again, I just exploded. I took the paper plane, I tore the paper into pieces and threw it on the kids' tables. I told them to gather all the pieces and threw it in the bin. They were shaking. Then I realized how terrible I was. I became a monster in front of the kids. I lost my temper. Just because of that little paper planes. I shouldn't have. :(

Honestly, I don't know how long can I stay in the teaching profession. Especially when it comes to teaching kids. I'm not a patient person. I got upset easily (and forget about being angry very easily as well). The thing is, I really love them and I want them to learn well. I mean, why would I be upset if I don't care whether they are learning or not? I can just let them do what they want, right? But because I love them, I care for them. Sigh.. I need to either change my clients (to adult learners) or change my profession right away. Ohh sweet Lord, help me to be more patient! 

April 13, 2015!

I don't always celebrate my birthday or receive many gifts on my birthday. Birthday was never really a celebration to me as bad things usually happened either on my birthday month or the birthday itself. Even in the past few years, I'll be arguing with my boyfriend on or a few days before my birthday. Made my birthday something bitter to be remembered. This year? It's awesome! Ahahahahahaha

I didn't really celebrate it because I was busy with my cycling events and schools. Anyway, I don't usually have material wish on my birthday. Not that I'm pretending to sound good, but I will usually just wish for happiness and a simple life. This year? I wished for a pair of Skechers. To be exact, Go Run 4. Ahahahaha but I didn't really expect to get it. I mean who is willing to buy me that?? Ahahahaha I posted it on my instagram account and aimed to buy it myself on my birthday. Surprisingly, the day before my birthday, I got that running shoes and I almost fainted! Ahahahahaha

Ta-daaaaaaaaaaaa!! Wohooooooooo!! I wannaaaaa dancceeeeeeeeee!! And jumpppppp!! Ahahahahahahaha even as I am writing this post, my heart is jumping up and down! Ahahahahahaha

I also got a new jersey from one of my favorite friends!

Do ignore my bare face and also tired face. Ahahahaha I just got back from the gym at this sec. And also a correction here. I am NOT a Liverpool fan. I'm a Chelsea family member. Ahahahaha but he gave me this because he wants me to support his team. Well, if wearing this jersey makes you feel supported, I'll wear it. But it's not because of Liverpool. It's because of you. Ahahahaha

Thennnnnn, flowers from my kidssssss!!

Yes, they are not real flowers but it's the thoughts that count, right? :)

Now, the next one is a total surprise as well. I mean who would have guessed to get your state's flag as your birthday gift, right? AHahahaha

Sabah flag from 27 Legacy Tie Dye ( www.27legacy.com/ ). If you're interested in looking for your states' flag, check out their website!

A few more small gifts but haven't got the chance to take pictures of them. Anyway, thanks for the birthday gifts and wishes, people! You know who you are! Million thanks to all of you! May the sweet Lord bless us all. :)

Stress-free?

People always think that I am a happy-go-lucky person, relax, have less stress, positive vibes, etc.. but then once they stumbled upon my blog and especially WeChat account, they realized how different I actually am, how emotional I can actually be. See, every human being has their own sides - positive and negative. It all just depends on where and when they want to show it out. Me? I don't know how to express it verbally. Or maybe my ego stops me from doing so. Because I don't want to let others see my tears. It makes me feel weak and useless. Whenever I felt down, I'll prefer to sit in the dark all by myself and cry. Or go out and drive like mad. Or write it all down in my blog or WeChat statuses. Now why would I do that? Because no one really read my blog, other than those who are really interested of my life, and I don't have much friends in WeChat.

Let me make it clear; I DO HAVE STRESS. I stress about even the littlest thing you can ever think about.

Like an ordinary college student, I worry about assignments.
Like an ordinary daughter, I worry about my parents.
Like an ordinary sister, I argue with my siblings.
Like an ordinary woman, I worry about my love relationships, friendships, finance.
I worry about everything.

Like when I had to use my suppose-to-be business modal just because my tyre went flat. I was so down that I drove like crazy on the road.

Like when I had no other choice but to avoid my friends because they are uncomfortable with me being around. I was so down that I decided to leave.

Like when my best bro passed away due to car accident. I was so down that I cried in the shower alone.

Like when I broke up. I was so down that I started to be a workaholic, leaving no time for myself.

See now? Just because I laugh, I smile, I talk about my problem less, it never means that I have no worries at all. I just do not want to bother others with my problems because other people have their own problems too. Anyway, think less, worry less. So don't worry, be happy? :)

Here We Go Again!

I don't what has gotten into my mind but I'm challenging my own limit AGAIN! This kind of thing usually happens when I got disappointed of life. For example, breakups, family problem, losing a friend, failed in something. So why am I challenging myself now? I mean, when I think about it, I am not currently having any problems or issues. Then, why? Hmm..

Anyway, as for now I have completed 'Save Our Rainforest Race 2015' (SORR 2015) and 'Kayuhan Muhibbah Bersama Rakyat 2015'. Also signed up for 'SAS International Eco-Challenge 2015' and 'Kampar Majesty Ride 2015'. Thinking of signing up for 'We Run Lumut 2015' as well. Need to train a lot! Ahahahahaha

SORR 2015 was a great race. It was not exactly a race actually because you were not allowed to run. You were supposed to walk and enjoy the nature. I loved it because I love nature! We had to walk + hike for a total of 10km. Along the way, we had to complete missions which I find very interesting. The missions we had to complete were planting trees (we had to get the tree and find the place to plant it based on our bib tag number), finding leaves according to the pictures shown, passing food to the aborigines based on the house numbers, crossing the river and remembering the names of the plants throughout the journey. It was great! After we had completed our missions, we ran (which we were not supposed to ahahahaha) and got to the finish line 133th out of 1500 participants. Boleh la.. bangga sikit. Ahahahahaha

For 'Kayuhan Bersama Rakyat 2015', it was a fun ride so we can cycle at our own pace. Sultan Nazrin Shah, the Sultan of Perak, was there to join us as well. The only thing that disappointed me was that the event started 2 hours late than promised. By the time we started, it was already raining so heavily and so we had to cycle under the heavy rain for 10km! I did it in 30 mins, quite slow but since I have just started my training after about 8 months without any physical activities, this is quite an achievement. My smoking habit has also reduced drastically that in a week I only smoked for about 3-5 times on average. I guess being single give you less stress that you don't need cigar anymore to make you relax. Ahahahaha but as people say, don't speak too soon. :D

So currently I am busy training for coming events, pushing my limits. I have less than a month for that 30km SAS eco-challenge. I don't aim for winning (of course) but I need to at least get to the finish line. That's what matters most to me. I want to finish it. I want to get the medal.

If any of you are interested in joining me in any of the events I mentioned above or you have other events that I might have overlooked, do comment here because I would love to have a company to join these kind of events and am currently looking for events that suit my level. Be healthy, be fit!

5 Humble Advice For Teachers

1) Talkative with limitation
Teachers are naturally talkative. They talk a lot. Maybe because they are used to be the one who always talks so they can't stop. They talk whenever they are given the chance. Well, it's good. I mean they get to express themselves well. They get to express their ideas well. They get to brainstorm ideas well. But there should always be a limit. You shouldn't talk when you're attending a meeting. You shouldn't talk when you're attending an assembly. I mean, you yourself do not like it when your kids start talking in your class. So why do you do it?

2) Show a good example
Children learn from what they see. If you swear in the class, then expect your students to swear too. If you look messy when you go to school, then expect your students to look messy too. If you talk while attending the school assembly, then expect your students to talk in the class too. Most importantly, if you are not standing straight while singing the National Anthem, then expect your students to disrespect you too. See, since I was a kid, I was taught to stand up straight while singing the National Anthem. Up until now, I feel very much guilty if I do not stand straight if I hear the National Anthem played - even if it is played on the radio. To be honest, I don't like my government but I DON'T HAVE TO LOVE MY GOVERNMENT TO LOVE MY COUNTRY. Those two are totally different. Looking at today's generation; where the National Anthem does not mean anything for them, I feel sad. Is it the fault of our teachers?

3) Be ready to fork out your money
This is a bit difficult for some teachers. Well, it is well understood. I mean, the salary was supposed to be the payment of your hard work. You spent an average of 8 hours in the school per day from Monday to Friday (sometimes even on Saturday and Sunday), you spent your night preparing lesson plans and teaching aids for the next day, not to mention when it came to programs that need to be conducted in the school (Parent-Teacher meeting, sports day, canteen day, English month, Bahasa month, Language Camp, Rancangan Integrasi Murid Untuk Perpaduan, Gotong Royong, examinations, monthly test, and th list goes on). You're tired. Physically. Mentally. Still you have to use your own money to prepare almost everything. Even A4 papers for worksheets printing are on you. What can we say, teachers, they sacrifice a lot. Time, family, money, et cetera. Even the Prime Minister didn't sacrifice that much. Oops.

4) Be knowledgeable
Yes, you're an English teacher but that doesn't mean you should only know about English. Children expect you to know everything. When a student ask you a science-related question, you don't brush him off by asking him to ask a Science teacher. If you don't know, search for the answer and get back to him. If you do, that'll be even better. So read up!

5) Be open-minded
Children do not come from the same family background. Every single child has different background. There are Malays, Chinese, Indian, aborigines, Sabahan, Sarawakian, rich, average, poor,good proficiency level, weak proficiency level, rural areas, city areas, Muslims, Christians, Buddhist, Hindus, so many differences. So, be open. Learn their cultures. Learn their abilities. Learn their learning styles. Learn about them.

Now, I am not perfect too. I make mistakes. But let us together brings out the best in each other and try to shape a better generation! Hoyeahhhh!!

#ProjekRombengan - Kita Nego Sampai Dapat!

Wahhhhh tajukkkk.. kelasss uolssss ahahahaha

So recently I've started a new project which I called 'Projek Rombengan'. Tau ka apa tu rombengan? Nah, rombengan itu asalnya daripada bahasa Indonesia (kalau aku nda menipu lah). Ia bermaksud jualan barang terpakai. Jadi harganya pun murah gitu loe! Bukanlah aku mau cakap aku ada banyak baju dalam almari ku, tapi ada ja baju yang aku pakai sekali dua lepastu letak tepi. Sebab? Aku pun ndatau kenapa. Ahahahaha aku ni ikut musim. Ada musim aku minat beli baju, ada musim aku minat beli beg, ada musim aku minat beli kasut. Jadi bila musimnya tiba, aku akan beli tapi sempat pakai sekali dua ja. So, daripada terbiar, lebih baik dijual saja. Ada pula baju yang aku sudah nda muat. So baik dijual juga. Ada lagi baju yang ada kenangan pahit, so aku mau jual juga. Ada lagi baju yang bukan lagi minat ku, jadi aku jual lagiiiiiiii.. ahahahaha

Lagipun, aku jenis yang biasa-biasa saja. Yg suka pakai baju ulang-ulang. Ahahaha pakai, cuci, jemur, pakai balik. Sebab malas mau bongkar lagi tu almari. Jadi yg extra tu, kita jual!!

Plus, this year is my final year at Ipoh. Kau mampuuuuu mau bawa banyak-banyak barang balik naik flight? Kalau buli, semua barang ku di sini aku mau jual. Biar balik lenggang kangkung. Except for books la. Sebab aku memang berhajat mau ada library sendiri once aku suda ada rumah sendiri. Imagine, having your own library at home, where you can just lie down, read books, drink hot chocolate with marshmallow. Astagaaaaaaaaaaaa.. I don't mind dying in a place like that. Biarlah mereput di sana pun. Ahahahaha

So, do support me in this project yahh! Jangan risau, tagline aku senang - kita nego sampai dapat! Maksudnya, kalau aku bagi RM20, kau mau minta murah lagi, bha cakap seja. Kita nego sampai dapat! Ahahahaha

How does this project work?

1) Setiap malam, pada pukul 10 malam, aku akan upload gambar 3 barangan (baju, beg, kasut or apa apa barang yang boleh dijual) di akaun instagram ku (lydrielyn_koh) dan juga laman FB ku (Lydrielyn Koh). Yang nda follow aku di instagram, tapi mau juga beli barangan ku, jangan risau. Kau tetap buli access aku punya gambar barangan dengan mencari #projekrombengan

2) Lepastu, kita akan nego sampai dapat. Tapi harga barangan tu aku letak without postage. So kalau kamu berada di negeri lain selain daripada Perak, terpaksa tanggung kos penghantaran lagi. Kalau kamu tinggal di Perak, boleh COD especially area Ipoh and Kampar. Yang orang Sabah, especially Sandakan, Beluran, sama Kuala Sapi, kalau mau save kos penghantaran tu, terpaksa tunggu aku balik la hujung bulan 5. Kamu boleh suruh aku simpan dulu, pastu nanti aku balik Sabah, aku hantar or kamu ambil. Tapi pastikan kamu beli yaaaa.. jangan pula suruh simpan pastu nda jadi beli! Mimang bikin panas! Ahahahahaha

3) Barangan yang sudah dijual akan di delete gambarnya sebab nanti bikin semak kamu punya newsfeed. Ahahaha jadi kalau kamu nda nampak suda tu gambar, maksudnya sudah dijual la tu yaaaa.. sapa cepat dia dapat!

Soo support la projek ku ni yaa.. 

#Projek Rombengan - "Kita Nego Sampai Dapat!"

Does Marriage Close The Door For Enjoyment?

I bet everybody has heard of this excuse to not get married - "I'm still young. I still want to enjoy my life." Or people giving advice to others who are getting married - "Hey, you're still young. Why do you want to get married? You should enjoy your life first!" What do you think of it?

As for me, I disagree of this excuse. I mean, can't you have fun after you got married? Is there no fun in marriage? I think that excuse would be better if it is said this way, "I'm not ready for kids" or "I am not sure whether I am ready for a family". See, marriage takes a lot of commitment. You can't think about you and only you. There's your spouse. You have to consider his/her feelings in every thing you do, every decisions you make. But wait, isn't that something that you did even before you both got married? Isn't that something that you did when you were in relationships?

That's why I disagree to the excuse where you can't have fun after you got married. Yes, there will be lots of things to be thought about, especially when it comes to financial because practically you both have to share everything that you have. But fun? It all depends on us. There's no stopping you to have fun in marriage. You would be able to travel together, spent every day together, buy groceries together, do laundry together, drink together, everything together. Unless you haven't found the one, then the story would be so much different. He wanted to do something else while you wanted to do something else. Then you both started to argue. I mean, why argue when both of you have fun doing other things together? I mean if you enjoy reading books while he enjoys watching sports, then go to the tea shops and read your books while he goes to the stadium and watches his team playing football. There's nothing wrong in that! Doesn't mean that you both are married, you have to stick together forever! I knew a couple who loves travelling and they still continue travelling even after they have their second baby. Another couple have their fun schedule. They take turns to have fun outside (if this weekend the husband went out drinking with his friends, the wife will be home taking care of their kids then the week after that will be the wife's turn to go out). It's all about sharing workload and good communication. I see no reason you can't have fun after you got married, unless you are not ready to be loyal to only one partner, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, everybody has their own opinion and I'm just stating mine. No offense, yahhhh!

Desperate?

Today, while drinking beers with my sisters, I got to know that they have misinterpreted me about my personal life. One of them actually asked me, 'why are you so desperate in having a bf? You're still young!' So I asked her, 'what makes you think I am desperate?' She said she interpreted it from my social networks update. According to her, most of my updates are showing how desperate I am in looking for relationships, telling the world that I am forever alone, single, and I need to date. Well, I can't blame them. I mean, everybody has their own thinking. They have their right to think what they want. But what about my point of view?

Now, when I update about those 'sad', 'single' statuses, all I meant was I need a friend to accompany me for movies or for good food. Most of my friends are either dating, or not interested in those things. When I really wanna catch up a good movie, I'll ask my friends first. If they wanna watch it with their boyfriends/girlfriends or they are just not interested, then I'll just post in fb or ig to see whether anyone is interested. But most of the times I'll just watch movie alone or go find a place to dine alone. I don't mind spending my time with myself. It's just that sometimes I need a company too. Just to talk throughout the movie or while having a good meal. I don't know. So no, I am not desperate to date somebody. I just need a company. Now I understand why my sisters are so eager to find me somebody to love. Because they thought I am desperate for one! Ahahahahaha so no worries, sisters. I won't post such things anymore. It's just that they are usually unintentional updates! Ahahahaha

But of course with my age right now, dating someone should be a good idea. I mean, my career will start next year and if I wanna get married with lots of babies, I really should start considering getting married in a couple of years. So if I am still single now, how am I going to achieve that? Ahahahaha still, God has better plans for each and everyone of us. So say that I'll be single for as long as God says I should, then I will. Why rush when that's not His plans, right? So no, I am not desperate but yes, I am still waiting.

Posted a lot about relationships lately. I guess my comeback to my hometown has really made an impact to me. What can I say, I am the next in list that should be married in my family. Ahahahahaha

Nighty nite, beautiful creatures!

Types of women (2)

Another post of types of women. Ahahahahaha well, since people always say that women are complicated, I thought I should share my thoughts about women too. Who knows it will help the rest of us to understand women better.

Some women (I hate to admit this) are clingy. They want to be with you almost all the time. They want you all over them. If they can't be right next to you, they make sure that you guys text all the time. When you guys go out, they want to hold hands with you, put their arms around you or your arms around them, they want to take pictures with you and share it with the world, they want the world to know that you are theirs and they are yours. You might feel a bit stressed out because you can't breathe. You want your own time. You want to spend your time with others too. Now, what you can do is talk to your girl. It's not gonna be easy but if you want to save your relationship, you gotta talk to her. You gotta make her understand your needs. And don't expect her to change straight away. Changes take time.

Some women have their own ego. They do not text first. This usually happens when they are not YET in a relationship with you. They like you, you both have that mutual feelings towards each other, but they never text you first. Why? Because they believe that if the man really likes a woman, the man should be the one who starts the conversation. However, some men find this difficult. They think that both men and women can and should start the conversation every now and then. They think that if they are the only one who keep starting the conversation, that simply means that the other party is not interested. Still, you can see the hints by reading your conversation. If she is interested, she will try to keep the conversation going. If she is not, the conversation usually goes to dead end - where you are the one who keeps it going. For example, you ask 'how was your day?' Then she replied, 'not bad. Met a friend of mine, had good food. What about you? How was yours?' She asked back. Means she wants the conversation to keep going. But if she replies to you 'not bad. Haha.' She is giving a hint that she does not want to talk to you about her day. Or about anything else. Stop texting her.

Some women are over jealous type. They see you make friends with women, they got mad. They see you talk to your female friends, they got mad. They see you smile to other women, they got mad. It's like the only woman you should be talking is her. Or your mom. Or your sister. This type is dangerous. Yes, it shows that they love you so very much but no, it is not a healthy relationship you are in. It is not love anymore. It is more like an obsession. Or simply being possesive. Always remember, 'love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast. It is not proud. It does not dishonor others. It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil. It rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes and always perseveres.' (1 Chorinthians 13:4)

There are many more different types of women but as the time ticks, my eyes get smaller as well. Ahahahaha I'm sleepyyyyyy.. But before I go to bed, I'll just share a little bit of me. I'm the second type. I do not text first. I always hear advices from other women saying that 'if you like him, you should text him first' or 'why not text him first? We are in the modern world. The rule does not apply anymore'. Well no matter how modern I may look outside, inside, I am still a traditional lady. I want to be a housewife, I want to cook for my family, I want to do all the traditional woman does for her man. So yes, I want the man to text me first. But looking at today's world, where these gentlemen are almost extinct, the chance of me finding one might be AND will be difficult. Still, no harm in waiting. Ohhhh my Manolo.. When will you arrive? Ahahahahaha nighty nite peeps!

Types of women.

Surrounded by 6 sisters is already enough to know how complicated women are. Truthfully, I am too. Gotta admit that. Sometimes I myself am confused of what do I really want. But one thing for sure, not every woman is the same. Well practically, every human being is different from one another. Every experiences, degree of knowledge, background, every thing is just different. People may say that they had almost the same experience but still it will never be a hundred percent the same with another. Say that a woman is pregnant - her experience of pregnancy will never be the same like another mother. Maybe almost but never a hundred percent the same. Like losing someone - a wife might say, 'I've lost my family in a car accident and now my friend is experiencing the same. I totally understand how she feels'. To be honest, no. Nobody will understand. Because the degree of love the family has is different. The experiences that the family have together are different. Other people can just give empathy. They do not really feel how the others feel.

Back to the main title. Hahahaha one of my weaknesses - I got distracted very easily. Anyway, this year is my final year, and so like usual everybody is asking whether I have found the one. Then on this wonderful holiday, I got back to my hometown and spent my time with my lovely family. Of course, my sisters and I talked about whether I have found the one. We talked about the men I've dated, the men that I should be dating, the men that I might be dating.. Ahahahahahaha so in the end, I was like 'I'll just leave it to God. He knows best. I don't wanna rush anymore. If it's time then it's time.' So one of my sisters advised me to pick a man who can literally feed me and my future family. Hmm.. That's one nice advice but what's the point of having a man who can feed me and my future family when I have no place for this man in my heart? I mean, it's not that I can't feed myself with my future career. I have more than enough for myself. However, I do not wish myself to have to feed my future spouse and the family alone as well. I mean that is the responsibility of both of us. So no, I do not need a rich spouse nor do I want a jobless one. Complicated ey? Simply put, aku mau yang biasa-biasa aja.. Duit boleh dicari, kasih sayang tiada ganti, tapi kalau duit tiada ke mari, berlapar terus fizikal mati! Haaaaa ambik pantun ku.. Ahahahahaha

Another sister talked about romantic guys. How it will be wonderful of having a romantic guy as a husband. Romantic? Hmmm.. Of course that's the dream of every woman but I do not wish to have a hopeless romantic guy as my husband. I mean, once in a while maybe, but not all the time! I still want to be able to be crazy with my husband, to be myself, to be real, to be me. I don't mind if he's not romantic. All I want is to be able to share everything with him. That's it. That's real. Simple as that.

So there are few different types of women. One that needs financial support, one that needs love alone, one that needs a simple man, one that needs a guarantee, one that wants a family guy, and the list goes on. Decide which do you want to spend your lifetime with and find that woman. For me, I'll just sit back and relax because I'm tired of searching. Biarlah aku pula yang dicari. Kalau tiada yang mencari, pasrah saja la. Jadi hot aunt pun tidak mengapa. Ahahahahahahaha

Nighty nite, peeps!

Sakit gigi.

"Putus lagi cintaku.

Putuus lagi jalinan kasih sayang ku dengannya.

Daripada sakit hati, lebih baik sakit gigi ini.

Biar, tak mengapa.

Rela, rela, rela, aku relakan."

- petikan daripada lirik lagu Sakit Gigi nyanyian Meggy Z

Baru sebulan berjinak-jinak semula dalam dunia cinta, aku tersungkur lagi buat kesekian kalinya. Lebih tepat - 34 hari. Kali ini disebabkan kawan-kawannya.

Setiap orang datang dengan 'bagasi' masing-masing. 'Bagasi' yang merupakan pakej yang datang dengan setiap orang, yang perlu kita terima jika kita mahu bersama dengan orang tersebut. Ada yang punya bagasi berisi ibu bapa - ibu bapa yang terlalu menginginkan yang sempurna buat anak mereka. Ada yang punya bagasi berisi bekas teman wanita/teman lelaki - ex yang masih punya perasaan dengan mereka ataupun mereka masih punya perasaan dengan ex mereka. Ada yang punya bagasi berisi kerjaya - kerjaya yang seringkali menjadi keutamaan mereka. Ada yang punya bagasi berisi kekecewaan - kisah lampau yang mereka tidak dapat lupakan. Dan dia? Dia punya bagasi berisi kawan-kawannya.

Bukan aku tidak kenal kawan-kawannya. Aku kenal mereka lebih dahulu sebelum aku kenal dia. Aku bukan jenis yang suka bercakap tentang hal orang lain walaupun aku tau banyak cerita tentang kawan-kawannya. Tapi aku diamkan sahaja bila aku bersama dia. Sebab bagi aku, bagasi ini boleh diangkat bersama. Selagi ianya tidak mengganggu hidupku dengannya, apa aku kisah? Aku gembira dengan dia. Walaupun aku kurang gemar bila dia keluar dengan kawan-kawannya, aku tetap biarkan. Sebab dia berhak memilih dengan siapa dia berkawan. Lagipun aku percaya dia. Dia bukan seperti mereka. Namun bila pergaduhan tercetus akibat kawan-kawannya, aku mulai gelisah. Mampukah aku menolongnya mengangkat bagasinya bersama? Akankah dia berkongsi beban bagasinya bersamaku? Ataupun hanya meminta aku mengangkatnya sendirian? Dia kata, kawan-kawannya meragui hubungan kami. Kata kawannya, aku cuma ingin mempermainkan perasaan dia sebab wanita seperti aku boleh mendapatkan yang jauh lebih kacak paras rupanya. Masalahnya, bukan paras rupa yang ku cari. Bukan susuk badan yang ku lihat. Bukan warna kulit yang memberikan ku rasa sayang itu. Kalau paras rupa yang ku cari, lebih baik aku masuk ke dunia seni dan mencari pelakon atau penyanyi atau model untuk bersamaku. Kalau susuk badan yang ku lihat, lebih baik aku ke gym dan mencari lelaki yang paling sasa. Kalau kulit putih yang mampu memberikan aku kasih sayang, lebih baik aku mencari mat saleh di luar sana. Lagi pula, paras rupa ku tidaklah secantik mana. Badan ku pula bukanlah seperti biola. Warna kulit pun kekuningan. Jadi apa yang melayakkan aku untuk memilih semua itu? Semua itu cuma luaran semata. Soal hati yang lebih ku utamakan. Kalau aku selesa dengannya, gembira bersamanya, untuk apa persoalkan fizikal? Kalau soal hati sudah memadai, soal fizikal cumalah satu bonus.

Lepas isu tersebut, isu lain pula yang dibangkitkan. Ya, memang aku pernah rapat dengan seorang kawannya. Kami banyak berkongsi tentang hati dan perasaan kerana kami ditinggalkan pada waktu yang hampir sama. Kami saling menguatkan sesama sendiri. Tetapi itu semua sebelum aku mengenali dia. Kami sudah tidak berhubung antara satu sama lain sejak aku mengenali dia. Malah sebelum aku mengenal dia pun aku telah pun memutuskan untuk tidak berhubung dengan kawannya kerana kawannya telah pun kembali kepada teman wanitanya.

Usai kisah itu, kisah  lain pula dibangkitkan. Setiap kali aku menaikturun gambar ku dengannya di laman sosial, aku akan terlebih dahulu meminta izinnya tetapi seringkali aku akan terpaksa membuang gambar tersebut setelah aku menaikturunnya. Mengapa? Kerana kawan-kawannya akan 'screenshot' gambar-gambar tersebut dan menjadikannya bahan dalam 'whatsapp' group mereka. Dia malu. Dia kurang selesa. Bukan aku ingin menunjuk-nunjuk bahagia ku. Tetapi apa salahnya kalau aku menaikturun dua tiga gambar kami bersama? Apa yang ingin dimalukan? Bagi aku, lelaki yang betul-betul mahukan aku sepatutnya bangga untuk memberitahu dunia tentang aku, dan bukannya cuba untuk menyorokkan hubungan kami berdua. Malah pernah sekali kami keluar berdua, dia ragu-ragu untuk masuk ke KFC bersamaku hanya kerana dia terlihat kawan-kawannya ada di dalam. Kalau malu, kenapa bersama?Akhirnya aku tewas. Aku tidak mampu untuk mengangkat bagasinya seorang diri. Itu bagasinya. Aku datang untuk menolongnya mengangkat bagasinya, bukan untuk aku mengangkatnya seorang diri.

Itu kisah bagasinya. Bagaimana pula dengan aku? Seperti dia dan banyak lagi yang lain, aku turut mempunyai bagasi ku sendiri. Apa pula isi bagasi ku? Bagasi ku berisi bekas teman lelaki ku. Meski sudah berpisah dengannya hampir dua tahun, aku tidak dapat nafikan bahawa masih ada sisa-sisa sayang yang masih berbaki dalam lubuk hati ini. Hatiku masih berdegup kencang bila aku mendengar nama ex ku disebut. Tanganku menjadi sejuk apabila aku terlihat kelibat ex ku. Aku masih menangis bila kadangkala teringat tentang memori kami berdua. Tetapi aku tetap mencuba. Aku tidak mahu kisah lepas menganggu kisah ku hari ini. Dan aku sangat-sangat bersyukur kerana dia memahamiku. Dia memberikan ku masa. Dia menolongku mengangkat bagasi yang memang sangat berat untuk ku pikul seorang diri. Dan bagasi itu menjadi ringan. Kenapa? Sebab aku dan dia mengangkatnya bersama.

Tetapi hari ini akhirnya hubungan terputus jua. Kerana bagasinya semata-mata. Mungkin salahku kerana terlalu cepat berputus asa untuk mengangkat bagasi tersebut. Tetapi mengapa dia tidak mahu mengangkatnya bersama ku? Kenapa dia membiarkan ku mengangkat bagasinya seorang diri? Air mata mengalir diawal pagi apabila menerima mesej darinya mengatakan bahawa perpisahan ini dia relakan. Aku pasrah. Baru 34 hari bersama dan semua hal ini telah terjadi. Mungkin sebab kami terburu-buru untuk bersama tanpa cuba mengenali hati budi masing-masing terlebih dahulu. Aku genggam jari-jemari ku erat. Aku risau tertuding jari. Kerana perpisahan ini bukan salah sesiapa. Cuma mungkin dia masih muda dan aku pula masih belum bersedia untuk bercinta lagi.

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Arhhhhhh really feel like writing a novel! I should really start writing one and hand it in to a publisher. Who knows, that is my call? :)

Girlfriend vs Friends?

I believe this conflict has troubled most of the people that are in love relationships. Unless you are in relationship with your best friend, then this won't be a problem for you. But if you fell for somebody that is not in your circle of friends at first, it is gonna be difficult. No joke. Why? Because then your friends and your girlfriend will start to fight over your time. Your friends will start saying things like, "since you have a girlfriend, you spent less time with us" and your girlfriend be like, "you keep spending time with your friends and leaving me alone". No matter how hard you try to balance your time to make sure both parties are satisfied, you can still hear those accusation. In the end, you feel stressed out. You are in dilemma. Who to choose?

Other than that, being in a relationship with someone out of your circle of friends also means that you 'need' to win your friends' approval. Why? Because if they don't like her, they'll talk shit about her. At first, you'll be like '"no, they won't be able to influence me" but listening to those bullshits from time to time annoys you and in the end you'll be affected no matter how hard you try to deny it. Again, you're in dilemma. Who to choose?

See, in the first case, time management is important. However, some immature people will still can't take it. Like your friends? They want all of you. They want all the attention. They don't want to share. They don't want to grow up. To see you with someone else means a big step for you - you're growing up. They are scared. They are afraid. Because they haven't found the one. Only by the time they have found the one, then only they will be able to see why. What about your immature girlfriend? Again, she wants all of you. She wants all of your attention. She doesn't want to share. Not because she doesn't want to grow up but because she is afraid of losing you. See, a good girlfriend will let you have your time with your friends. However, you shouldn't take advantage of it. If she lets you spend your time with your friends, then you should stay with her. Because she understands your needs. Your needs to do stupid things with your so-called friends.

Meanwhile in the second case, sometimes your friends are being protective. They do not want you to get hurt. So whatever stories they heard about your girl from others, they tell you straightaway. They want you to know what's happening. They do not want you to be fooled. However, sometimes that is not always the case. Sometimes they are jealous. You are in a relationship, at last! And they are still searching! And the girl you are dating is someone out of your league? They'll be like 'WHATTTTTT??' ahahahaha.. but that is not always the case as well. They are usually jealous because you spend more time with her than with them. So they started to talk about your girl as if they have known your girl forever. As if they are the experts about your girl's life. As if they know everything about your girl. Truth is, sometimes your friends are right but sometimes they are not either. Here, you have to really rely on yourself. To scrutinize what's best for you. To seek the truth in your heart. Or sometimes to find someone (most preferably a stranger - someone who does not know your friends or your girl) and ask for his/her opinions. Sometimes wise words come from strangers.

Who to choose? It's all up to  you to decide. Choose what's best for you and then stand firm. Do not hesitate. Because you know what your heart wants.

Playgirl?

Based on yourdictionary. com , playgirl is defined as a woman who engages in casual sex and seeks pleasure in life. It is also a magazine that has the same concept as Playboy magazine - except that it shows pictures of nude men instead of nude women. Basically, playgirl has always been a negative noun or adjective in human dictionary. Now why do I bring up this topic? Because I found out that I am labeled as a playgirl by people around me.

See, playgirls here means girls who play with men's heart deliberately. It's like they have a boyfriend and they still want another; either for fun or to get more attention. And also they change boyfriends every now and then. So am I a playgirl?

See, I never intend to play with anybody's heart because I, too, was played for many times. I know how hurtful it is to be played. It's just that maybe my personality causes people to think that I am into them. Yes, I am cheerful. Yes, I am friendly, Yes, I smile to almost everyone I meet. But that does not mean I'm flirting with you. When people are kind to me, why should not I be kind to them back? But of course once those men express their feelings towards me, I will turn them down immediately if I have no feelings towards them. That's for sure. Because I don't want to hurt them more later so I make sure to let them feel down now.

Changing boyfriends every now and then? To be honest, I have to say this; I have no luck in love relationships. I don't know what is wrong with me but I always failed in my love relationships. I've been hurt so many times, been cheated, been wronged, and I just don't know what to do. The longest relationship I've ever had was only for 3 years. You see, if possible I want to fall in love once and let it be my last too. Like a fairy tale. I don't want to feel hurt. Tell me who wants to be hurt? It's just not my luck. Some people fall in love once and live happily ever after. Some people got married after two broken relationships. Some people couldn't even find the one. You're lucky if you found the one straight away. Me? I'm just unlucky enough.

Tapi entahlah. Sudah namanya manusia. Kita nda akan dapat menutup mulut diorang. Pasti ada ja salah di mata mereka. Lumrah manusia berakal pendek; bila tiada boyfriend, dikata memilih. Bila ada boyfriend, dikata terdesak. Bila boyfriend tiada rupa, dikata tidak sesuai. Bila boyfriend ada rupa, dikata nakkan yang hensem ja. Bila boyfriend kaya, dikata nakkan duit. Bila boyfriend tiada apa-apa, ditanya macam mana nak makan? Nampak kah permainannya disitu? Mulut orang mana boleh tutup. Tutup telinga sendiri, sudah la. Aku sendiri sudah lama belajar pasal benda ni. Cuma kali ini aku nda tahan bila dengar hal ni dari kawan sendiri dan orang yang aku sayang. Apa nda cukupkah diorang kenal aku? Mungkin sebab aku nda pernah menangis depan diorang bila hati aku disakiti. Mungkin sebab aku tunjukkan senyuman manisku didepan diorang walau hati menangis. Mungkin sebab aku menyibukkan diri kerana mau hati melupa sengsara buat seketika. Ya la, luka ditangan boleh dilihat. Luka dihati? Tuhan saja yang tau.

Ya, aku terkilan bila orang yang aku sayang dan aku anggap kawan cakap dengan aku, "janganlah kau dengan dia, kau cuma akan menyakitkan hati dia", "betulkah kau mau sama dia atau cuma bermain-main?, "nda akan lama kau dengan dia, percayalah. Aku kenal kau". Sakit. Terasa. Pedih. Aku robot kah? Nda punya perasaan? Makin lama aku rasa makin lemah. Serius. Aku perlu sokongan. Terkadang, hati terfikir. Adakah kegagalan dalam percintaan ku ni disebabkan oleh keputusan ku untuk meninggalkan orang yang aku cinta dua tahun lepas? Kalau ya, then aku redha. Sebab memang salah aku. Aku pilih untuk bersama keluarga instead of staying with him. Sebab aku belum ready mau tinggalkan family aku untuk orang yang baru ku kenal selama tiga tahun. Mungkin aku sudah terlepas satu-satunya cinta yang ditakdirkan untuk aku. Mungkin itulah sebabnya aku terus gagal. Mungkin? Tapi mungkin juga sebab aku masih muda. Aku masih belum bertemu 'the one'. Mungkin.

Cuma satu yang aku pinta. Percayalah aku. I want to love and be loved too. I never meant to hurt anyone. Tepuk dada, tanya selera. Kalau masih mau anggap aku suka mempermainkan hati orang, then terpulang. The cold never bothered me anyway.

P/s: Read my post about the men I dated and you'll understand better. Click here; How I Met Your Father.

The Past is Deep.

Everybody has their own past. Some past worth to be rewound while some felt like they should be deleted. Same goes with mine. Some past makes me really feel like deleting them from my memory while some past keeps rewinding in my head. Though there were good and bad memories, I have never regretted any of them. Why? Because they taught me lessons in life. I learned a lot from those bittersweet memories. Truthfully, I am not a person that regret easily. For me everything has its own purpose. They were there for reasons we might not be able to explain. I believe that in the end it will reveal its purpose for being right where it is. But not one thing. This very thing was the only thing that I have the most regret in life. Well, the only regret, I believe. That is; to walk away from my relationship with Yuan. I should have fought for us. I should have stayed.

I have tried my very best to put this behind me since the day we both decided to walk away from our relationship. Until last two nights - when I was asked, "will you be with him again if he asks you to be with him now?" Pheww! That was a killing question! What am I supposed to answer? How am I supposed to answer to that? Like, seriously. After the breakup, I was lost. Twice suicide attempt. Sat in front of the TV, cried all by myself. Drank beer alone. Stayed home. I even stupidly accepted a stranger's proposal. Because at that time, for me, my life has ended. That was it. Up until today, my heart still beats faster just by hearing his name. Or looking at his back. Or when I hear his voice. Though we only knew each other for five years and got together for just a couple of years, it was enough for a common girl like me. So what answer am I supposed to give to that question? Will I be with him again if he asks me to be with him now?

Today, I re-read his blog. The last post in his blog was last year July, a very brief post about a quote by a famous Malaysian Ustaz, "Berhati-hati memilih hati seseorang. Jangan sampai mencintai seseorang yang akhirnya akan melukai hati kita. (be careful in looking for somebody to love, do not love somebody that will one day hurt you.)". Maybe that was the moment he has finally moved on and found somebody to love. Reading his old posts hurts me a lot. I have hurt him so much that I will never get back together with him. He is a great man and he deserves someone who would not hurt him as much as I did. So do you have your answer now? You see, love is not all about having that someone. It means that you care about that person's happiness more than your own. If they are happier without you, why stay? Let them go.

2015

It's been long since I last blogged. Wow. And this is my first post in 2015. See, I rarely use my netbook if I am not in college studying or in school teaching. Without my ntbook, I won't be able to write any post. Using my iPhone is just not satisfying for me. Ahahaha

Anyway, last year, my life was just a total mess. Especially when my brother-in-law passed away. To be honest, he was the closest to me to compare to my other brother-in-laws. He made jokes a lot. He laughed a lot. He gave lots and lots of advice to me. It's like when I said I was going back, he will plan to party with our friends. We were friends even before he got to know my sister. So once he passed away, our whole family became lost. Such a huge impact. The loss was extremely difficult to be accepted. Imagine my sister. They were together since she was 15 and now she's 25. They were married for two years and their baby was just 3 months, the day he left - 30th of Nov 2014. Last Christmas was the first Christmas that all of us actually celebrated at home together. Trying our best to give support to each other, especially to my sister. I couldn't even handle a breakup. I just can't imagine if I was the one who were standing in her shoes at this very moment.

Too be honest, after my bro-in-law passed away, I somehow felt more alive than ever. It's like I'm living for the very first time in life. I appreciate life more and worry less (I don't know how long this will last) but everyday looks so beautiful now. Whatever I feel like doing, I'll just do it right at that moment. Why? Because there is no promise for tomorrow. I don't even know whether I'll be able to open my eyes tomorrow. Well every cloud has a silver lining, ey?

So live life, love life, people. :)