Another Nightmare!

Last night, for the second time of this year, I had a nightmare of being in war. It's normal when people dream about ghosts or losing their loved ones or met an accident or died for unknown reason. But it's not normal to dream about being in a war, at least for me, because I have never even experienced once! It was scary. Just for your information, I'm not into watching movies or drama involving war. I do watch but it's not on the top of my movie-to-watch list. If it's on TV and everybody else is watching it or I have nothing else to watch, then I'll watch. That's about it. I read a lot of Nicholas Sparks' books and the characters in his books are usually soldiers but the last time I read Nicholas Sparks' books was early this year. So I don't know why do I have this nightmare when I don't usually dream!

The first dream I had about this war was last month, which is October. It was scary. We were attacked by a large numbers of soldiers. They were cruel. They shot everybody around. I saw people dying right in front of my eyes. I ran, I hid. I got into this place and all of us were women. We looked at each other with a sad look but we didn't cry. In fact, nobody actually cried. I knew none of them. It was dark. In the middle of us was this huge crashed plane. We were looking for anything in and out the plane. I don't even know what we were looking for. Maybe food, maybe other victims, maybe things that can help us to defend ourselves. I just don't know. Then, suddenly I heard a loud sound of shotguns. Right at that moment, I knew we were all going to die. They found us. Then, I heard voices. They were shouting at each other to kill anyone in sight. I started to cry. Suddenly, I saw a very loud sound. I almost couldn't hear anything after that. Then, I saw this one lady right in front of me fell down. She was shot. And she was right in front of me. I could have died. I was the one who was supposed to die. My knee then felt so weak. I fell down and the shock was all over me. I couldn't do anything. After that, it started to be silent. The captain was telling the rest to check if there's anyone who survived. Do you know how they checked us? They hit us with their weaponry as hard as they could. That time, I knew, if I don't pretend that I'd died, they will kill me straight away. I had no choice. I got to act like I'm a dead body. I was so scared. I don't know whether I could do this. I closed my eyes. My heart was pumping so fast, so loud, I thought the soldiers will hear it out. I could hear their footsteps. And it's nearing me. I was shaking. To my relief, they were called up by their captain right at the moment when this one soldier was standing next to me. I can feel my hair was stepped on. They left and I woke up. I woke up almost crying and my body was sweating. It was scary. Even right at this moment, as I write this post, I am actually crying. I still remember how I felt when I was in that dream. I started to think about those people who were actually in war. I bet they will have a never-ending nightmares. God, bless them. :'(

Then, last night. Another dream about war. However, this time, it's a short one. I was in this village. Again, I know none of them. We were celebrating I don't know what but it seemed like people are attacking our place but before they reached our place where we stayed, they left. So we were celebrating because we thought they'll never come back. But we were wrong. They were delayed because they were preparing for even a greater destruction. That particular night, they came back. They were everywhere. There was this one man and his little boy of around three or four years old sitting on a bench. The soldiers threw a grenade at them. I don't know why the father didn't run away or at least try to save himself and his little boy. I couldn't see both of them die so I ran and pick up the little boy. I ran as fast as I could and the father died right in front of our eyes. The little boy was crying calling for his dad. I cried too. I hugged him. He tried so hard to go off me but I can't let him go. I can't let him die too, at least not before me. I took him away from that place. We found a hiding place but he kept crying. I told him to stop or else the soldiers will find us too. But he wouldn't stop. Then I woke up. Another nightmare. :'(

O God, please bless our country. I don't want to experience this in real life. Having it in my dreams are already traumatizing. I don't think I can handle it. Bless us, O my merciful Lord. Amen. :'(

Life?

Recently, so many cases of crime. People killing, peoply dying. Some fell sick. Ill. Some got cancer. Some didn't survive. Some are still fighting. But one common thing I can see in them is that they want to live. They try their best to fight. They want their life back. They fell but still they try to stand on their weak feet. They cry but it didn't stop them from fighting. All because they want to live.

It makes me feel terrible. Makes me feel sick. Makes me feel awful, shameful. Why? Because I am young and healthy and yet I am trying so many times to end my beautiful life. Thinking that these problems I am facing is the biggest of all. I forgot those people who actually fight to get back their life. I was being so selfish, trying so hard to throw away my life when others are crying because they are losing it.

I need to wake up. I need to start seeing this world as a better place. A beautiful world I used to see. A peaceful world created by God. Yes, Lala. It's time for you to wake up. It is not the end of the world, YET. There are reasons why things happen the way it is now. Maybe you won't see it now. Maybe you can't see it now. But you WILL. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next year, but you will Lala. Trust Him. He knows best. Our God knows best. Just trust Him, okay?

Why?

Sometimes I wonder,

Why is it hard to speak out the truth?

Why is it difficult to tell lies?

Why is it hard to understand others?

Why is it difficult to read what's in people's minds?

Shouldn't it be easy?

To say 'yes' when you want to say 'yes'?

To say 'no' when you want to say 'no'?

To say out what you want when you want to say it?

To lie to others just to please them?

Too bad,

it's not as simple as ABC,

not as simple as 123,

not as simple as you and me.

Why can't we make it simple?

Why can't we make it easy?

Why can't we live like how we want it to be?

So, anything new?

Haven't write in a while. I have so many things to write about but you see once you want to blog about something, you have to do it right when you have that feeling to write. Only bloggers understand that. It's like you have an idea to write about something and you need to write about it right at that particular moment, or else you will never bother to write about it anymore. So, yes, that's what I'm facing right about now. Ahahahaha

Anyway, it's exam time and this semester I couldn't bother any more. I really want to score, want to do my very best, but my motivation is gone, I supposed. I mean, I used to have this vision of my life; to study, to have a good job, to travel, to know about the world more, and there's so much more in life that I need to discover. There is MORE to life. And I want to know more. But I don't think I can achieve those visions anymore. I can say that my life now has been arranged by others and maybe by me as well. I don't know. All I know is that I feel like I'm living someone else's life right now. I don't know who I am anymore. I'm lost in my own life. Waking up everyday to questions from the inside of me asking 'who are you?', 'what are you doing to Lala's life?', 'how long will you be controlling her life?' Those questions make me cry sometimes. I'm starting to think that I've gone crazy. Sigh. I need a doctor.

Every now and then I wish that I can actually tell someone what problems am I facing. But I just can't. They will never understand. They can't do anything anyway. The only thing they will do is judging. They are very good in judging. They see themselves as God; thinking they know everything, that they are always right. They didn't see the pains others are experiencing. In the end, it's always between me and God. I'll be crying and crying and crying seeking comfort from Him. I don't know, I just felt something is missing. Maybe I'm not that sincere enough. I really don't know..

Or maybe it's because it's you I'm missing. It's you I've been looking for. Maybe it's you. Just maybe.. :'(

Hot! Hot!

I've just received a very incomprehensible news to my mind few days before. And I have to admit that I'm still in the state of shocked. Fuhh!

My cousin converted into a Muslim, she's married and she has a baby now!! I can't believe she's having her own family earlier than me! Ahahahaha I was a bit frustrated though. I mean I have lots of friends that are married now and I've never been invited to any of it. Maybe because most of them are married 'unexpectedly' so maybe they were not that proud to invite me but hey, I don't judge. Whatever happens, they are still my friends, my families. I'll always be happy for whatever they decide. It's their life anyway. I just want to be there and celebrate their happy day with them. :(

However, I won't take this to heart. I mean what's past is past, right? Right now, I just want to celebrate their new family! ^^

Truth be told, this time the story of my cousin is different from the rest of my friends' stories. Because this time, it involves religion. You see, religion is a very sensitive issue. I mean, most of the wars are caused by religions, is not it? It is sad how religions can break men apart. I'm sorry I just have to say this. So the same goes to my cousin. I guess her decision has break her family apart, or to be precise her own self. She has to face everything all by herself. If I had known earlier, I'll try my best to be there for her. But maybe she's afraid to be judged, to be pushed away, to be left out.. I totally understand how she feels. I used to be in her shoes. So I don't blame her to not tell me everything. It just crushed my heart to know this thing is happening to her and she has no one else to talk to about her feelings. I thank God she's a fighter. Because if she's not, I might have lost a friend, a cousin, a sister.

You see, I did say in one of my posts that everybody else might leave you, but never your family and God. Whatever happens, your family and your God will always be there for you. So you know you're so dead if your family walks out of your life and you just lost your faith in God. I know that because I was there. And I know, that's what my cousin is feeling right now. I tell you, that feeling can put someone into a very devastating condition. That feeling is so evil, it can take one's life away. I know it very well. It almost took my life away too. Right now, all I can do is to pray hard that she can survive this, that she will survive this, like I did. Dear cousin, please be strong. I know you can do this.. :')

So next month, I'm going to pay her a visit. By hook or by crook. I NEED to visit her. Talking to her for a while just now make me feel better. I know she's trying her best to cope up with life. And I know she can do this. However, it also made me realize something. Have I really passed this stage? Or am I trying to seek my strength in her because I'm still stuck in that feeling? I don't know. I really don't. And right now I really want to talk to someone, to share about how I feel inside but like usual nobody is there. Everybody is busy with their life and I have no right to take their time for my sake.

Currently listening to Jayesslee's song - Failure in Disguise

Note to her and to self: Just don't give up. :(

It's the date of the year again..

July 18th, 2013.

It's been 8 years now. I've missed you. You have long gone but I can still remember you clearly in my mind. Your face, your moves, your smile, your funny face expression. You left us too early. I'm sorry I said this again and again but it's true. I bet you knew it too. :'(

Anyway, today our best friend has delivered a baby girl. They haven't give the baby girl name yet. I wanted to tell our best friend to name the baby girl Michelle, in remembrance of you, but I don't want to remind her about you because I don't want her to be sad. You left us on the same date as her baby girl was born. I believe if I remind her of you, she will feel sad each time it's time to celebrate her baby girl's birthday. We've missed you. A lot. :'(

One thing for sure, you are lucky. God loves you so much, didn't he? Took you from us in such a young age. Hey, six years have changed me and my life. I suffered a lot and sometimes I just want my life to be over. Kept waiting for the call from God. And the part that hurts me the most is that when I feel down and sad, I no longer have a place to go like we used to have. Remember when we felt down? We used to sneak out of the house and went to that hill? We'll tell each other our problems and then start throwing rocks down the hill as far as possible as the rock symbolizes our problems. After that we'll just laughed at each other and forget all those problems that we had. I missed those times. There is a lot of people around me, no doubt about that, but I still feel alone. Lonely. Wish you were here. :'(

One thing for sure, I'll always remember you. WE will always remember you. Rest in peace, B.. :'(

Double the Anger!

Life's such a bitch sometimes. One time you'll feel like at the top of the world and the next day everything will just turn upside down before you knew it. I guess that's just life. Sometimes you're up there and sometimes you're just buried deep in a pile of shit.

So after winning competition by competition, hosting successful events and programs, it finally hits me that it is others' turn now to get blessed. I mean, I can't ask God to bless only me and myself alone right? That's selfish. So I accepted it with an open heart. :)

Anyway, today got into an argument with a few people and to my surprise, one of them is Mr Boyfie. We never really argued much so it was surprising, and shocking, and everything. It was a really small matter, really, if you ask me. But you know, as someone who is concern about him, I don't like it when I became the last person to know anything and everything about him. His favorite sentence of, 'haven't I told you that..' or 'didn't I tell you that..' or even 'oh, I thought I've told you that..' is extremely a pain in the ass. It is as if telling me that Mr Boyfie told a lot of things to other people, and he thought he told me too but apparently he didn't, which means I'm the last person to know the things that are happening in his life. So where does that put me in his life then? That's one thing. Another thing was that he didn't even bother to contact me after that! Bollocks! We should stop here before my anger gets out of control. :)

So lately, there's been a hot video shared around the social networking. About this young Malay girl who confesses her love to this young boy, that they have been in a relationship for a week, that she promised to love him and only him, that they will be together forever and ever and ever, and all those sweet words that one can ever imagined. For me, that's a very sweet thing to see. I mean in today's world, how rare it is to see one loves another so purely and deeply and truly and sweetly and everything. Even though they had just been together for a week but at least they had a sweet moment together. She did feel that true love deep inside her heart. Some people haven't even felt that way before. Have you?

Too bad, our people will always find faults in others. I don't want to be racist but most of the people who actually condemned that girl are of her own race. Sad, isn't it? They were condemning her as if she has done the worst sin ever. As if she has murdered somebody. Seriously, if the girl is not strong enough (like me), she might try to commit suicide by now. Thank God she is strong. And to be frank, I do pray for her so that she will stay strong and let Jesus stays by her side, protect her and lead her way. She's still young. She needs support. She doesn't need those haters who keep finding faults in God's creation. As adults, we have to guide the youngsters. Even if you don't want to, you still don't have to condemn her. If you don't like the video, you shouldn't even have watched it in the first place! There's no need to leave such demoralizing comments!

Okay, getting angrier now. Ahahaha I should stop. Nighty nite peeps.. ^^

April 13th

April 13th is my birthday. Not a good date people usually told me. And I have to admit that I actually believed it as well because a lot of terrible things will happen either on my birthday or the day before. I have lived with that kind of thinking for years now and never bother to think or even plan anything on my birthday because I know bad things will happen anyway.

However, this year I don't know what triggers me but I actually planned something. I want to have at least once a birthday celebration for myself. A good one. So I planned. And to be frank, I was really looking forward for my coming birthday. I took a risk. Unfortunately, as expected, things didn't go well. All the things I planned seems went way off board. Everything was fucked up. And another confession from me? Yes, I gave up.

But thinking of it again, I was like no. Not this time. Not this birthday. Not now. I'm not going to let my life controls me. I should be in control of my life. I'm gonna celebrate my birthday even if I were to celebrate it all by myself. I'm not going to just sit down and accept this so-called-fate. No, I'm not gonna to do that. I have enough celebrating Christmas by myself, New Year by myself, doing nothing but crying. No, I'm so not gonna do that. I'll not let a single tear fall off my cheek this time. I'm stronger now, aren't I? I'm not that little girl anymore that cried each time other people bully me. This time I'll stand up straight and tell those people to just fuck off. I have been living independently now and I don't see any reason why I should regret for deciding it that way. Condemn me as you like, disappoint me, leave me, whatever you like, do it. I dare you. I DOUBLE DARE YOU, MOTHERFUCKERS.

P/s: This post is written due to the stress and problems I'm having right now. Please do not be offended. I'm just writing this to let my feelings out in a healthy way. At least I don't go for suicide anymore, right? Ahahaha good day, mates! ^^

Grown-up Conversation

For the first time in my life, my hero and I have a grown-up conversation. It's weird but I find it quite relaxing. I mean, it feels like I can tell him everything, you know? I guess it all started last Christmas, when my sisters and I had an argument and the only person I can talk to was my dad, my hero. Since that, the way we talked is just different. I feel like really, really, really and adult now. Ahahaha

So what I meant about that whole grown-up thingy was about my relationship now. I don't know. Things got pretty serious in just a couple of days and I just don't know how to explain that. My hero called and asked about Mr Joe, how is he doing and those things. Then, talks about future. Then the list just went on. It sounds really crazy to me. But I'm glad I can at last talk openly about my relationship to him, you know. I hate the idea of being in a relationship and have to hide it from the world just because of some idiotic reasons. I mean when I am in a relationship, I want everybody to know. I want the whole world to know. I prefer it that way. When people ask, "so Lala, are you still single?" I really want to answer proudly, "oh, no. I'm taken." I hate it when I have to lie just because I can't tell who am I with now. Ahh forget it. So complicated. Anyway, I really feel relieved right now. I don't have to hide my relationship anymore.

So back to the topic, grown-up conversation. Usually  Asian family, they don't discuss about sex, you know? Then my hero and I talked about it. Please don't get me wrong. Ahahaha he was trying to advise me to take care of myself as her little girl. He doesn't want anything bad to happen to me. At first I felt weird to have this kind of conversation with my dad. But the conversation went well. I appreciate his effort to talk about it to me. He must have had rehearsed it for so many times to make it sounds acceptable. Ahahaha

Really missing my hero right now. He told me to go back this May, but I keep giving excuses. Not that I don't want to go back, you see. It's just that I'm not ready. I don't wanna come back and then be called a spoiled little daughter who only knows how to spend money. NO, that's not who I am. I am an independent woman and I'll prove it to all of you. I'm really sorry, dad. I just can't go back. At least not now. :'(

Life?

Fuh, lately I've been thinking of what life really is. Honestly, I don't know. And I'm afraid I won't be able to figure that out. Been living a busy and tough life lately. Well, I couldn't blame anyone for that because I'm the one who decides to live that way. Ahahaha :)

I was very busy handling events which one by one came to me in a very unexpected time. The thing about me is that I don't like rejecting any projects given to me because I feel responsible for it and that is not good as I need my own time and space for myself too. Sigh. I really need to work on that part. To add to my hectic life, I rented a car and started a taxi business - taking my friends from college to the places they want to go, and get them back to college. As if these events and business are not enough, I started working as a part-timer at McDonald, again. And now it is every weekend so I don't have time anymore to have fun or have my lazy day anymore. It's a good thing though, for that means I'll have something to be busy with everyday and thus I won't have any time to think about my problems with my family. Thinking about it will make me feel down and I don't like that feeling. So this will solve it in a way.

People keep asking me whether I have any financial problem. So let me answer that here (just in case anyone of you are reading this), I wouldn't say that I'm having any financial problem now. I still have enough money. Even if my bank account is out of money, I still have my savings. So I do not actually have much worry about money. I guess I just feel responsible about my life. I am now 21 years old and the idea of still living with the help of my family, financially, is just embarrassing. The argument I had with my sisters did give a positive effect to me, as I now learn to be independent. If there's anything I need, I'll try to do it myself first before asking people and now my family is the last one to ask. Because I don't want to be a burden. I want to be a daughter that they can count on. Yes, I want to be that girl. So, have I answer your question? :)

Now I still haven't thought of when to go back to my hometown. Before, I was always eager to go back but now, I don't know. I'm afraid to go back. I'm scared. I guess I just need time. I'll go back once I'm ready. And before that time comes, I want to make sure that I can give what my parents want. :)

I guess that's all for now. Adios ^_^

Missing them.

A warning to my readers, this post is gonna be an emotional one so I recommend you to skip this post if you are not interested in reading it. I don't wanna waste your time, you see. Aren't I a good person? Ahahaha ^.^

While I was scrolling my news feed on Facebook, I stumbled upon a few pictures uploaded by my sister. Pictures of my family, celebrating Chinese New Year. And I started to cry. I know it is stupid but I cried anyway. I guess I'm just jealous for I couldn't be there with my family when everybody is there. Well, it's partly my fault. I was the one who decided not to go back. I was the one who refused to go back. I was the one who stayed away from my family. But I have my reasons. My very own reasons.

My presence may not mean anything to them but their presence means everything to me. I really wish those arguments, misunderstandings, between me and my sisters had never happened. It makes me feel sick whenever I think of it. It kills my desire to go back to my family. It ruins my hope to have a big, happy family.  It tears my heart to pieces. It breaks my soul. Yes, it did. I left because I want them to feel happy. Well, they do look really happy in the pictures. I don't think I ever had the chance to take a picture with all my family members if it's not in a studio. That's why I said earlier that my presence may not mean anything to them. As long as they are happy, then I guess I'll be okay here. Even if that means away from them. You see, what's the point of being near to your loved ones but not seeing them happy? It's better to be away from your loved ones and to know that they are happy without you. Far much better.

I remembered the morning my dad called, wanting me to go back. I cried while I was on the phone and tried my best to hide it. It was difficult but I made it. I really wanted to go back but thinking of all those tough moments when I had the arguments with my sisters, I just couldn't afford to go back. It was really painful. I don't want to experience the same thing again. I love them so much that arguing with them hurts me more than words can express. I can't do it. I love my dad, I love my mom, I love my sisters, I love them all. I just... Sigh. I know I gotta be strong. But if this is life, I think I'm giving it up. I'm tired. Really really tired.

My Happy Family :)