Sakit gigi.

"Putus lagi cintaku.

Putuus lagi jalinan kasih sayang ku dengannya.

Daripada sakit hati, lebih baik sakit gigi ini.

Biar, tak mengapa.

Rela, rela, rela, aku relakan."

- petikan daripada lirik lagu Sakit Gigi nyanyian Meggy Z

Baru sebulan berjinak-jinak semula dalam dunia cinta, aku tersungkur lagi buat kesekian kalinya. Lebih tepat - 34 hari. Kali ini disebabkan kawan-kawannya.

Setiap orang datang dengan 'bagasi' masing-masing. 'Bagasi' yang merupakan pakej yang datang dengan setiap orang, yang perlu kita terima jika kita mahu bersama dengan orang tersebut. Ada yang punya bagasi berisi ibu bapa - ibu bapa yang terlalu menginginkan yang sempurna buat anak mereka. Ada yang punya bagasi berisi bekas teman wanita/teman lelaki - ex yang masih punya perasaan dengan mereka ataupun mereka masih punya perasaan dengan ex mereka. Ada yang punya bagasi berisi kerjaya - kerjaya yang seringkali menjadi keutamaan mereka. Ada yang punya bagasi berisi kekecewaan - kisah lampau yang mereka tidak dapat lupakan. Dan dia? Dia punya bagasi berisi kawan-kawannya.

Bukan aku tidak kenal kawan-kawannya. Aku kenal mereka lebih dahulu sebelum aku kenal dia. Aku bukan jenis yang suka bercakap tentang hal orang lain walaupun aku tau banyak cerita tentang kawan-kawannya. Tapi aku diamkan sahaja bila aku bersama dia. Sebab bagi aku, bagasi ini boleh diangkat bersama. Selagi ianya tidak mengganggu hidupku dengannya, apa aku kisah? Aku gembira dengan dia. Walaupun aku kurang gemar bila dia keluar dengan kawan-kawannya, aku tetap biarkan. Sebab dia berhak memilih dengan siapa dia berkawan. Lagipun aku percaya dia. Dia bukan seperti mereka. Namun bila pergaduhan tercetus akibat kawan-kawannya, aku mulai gelisah. Mampukah aku menolongnya mengangkat bagasinya bersama? Akankah dia berkongsi beban bagasinya bersamaku? Ataupun hanya meminta aku mengangkatnya sendirian? Dia kata, kawan-kawannya meragui hubungan kami. Kata kawannya, aku cuma ingin mempermainkan perasaan dia sebab wanita seperti aku boleh mendapatkan yang jauh lebih kacak paras rupanya. Masalahnya, bukan paras rupa yang ku cari. Bukan susuk badan yang ku lihat. Bukan warna kulit yang memberikan ku rasa sayang itu. Kalau paras rupa yang ku cari, lebih baik aku masuk ke dunia seni dan mencari pelakon atau penyanyi atau model untuk bersamaku. Kalau susuk badan yang ku lihat, lebih baik aku ke gym dan mencari lelaki yang paling sasa. Kalau kulit putih yang mampu memberikan aku kasih sayang, lebih baik aku mencari mat saleh di luar sana. Lagi pula, paras rupa ku tidaklah secantik mana. Badan ku pula bukanlah seperti biola. Warna kulit pun kekuningan. Jadi apa yang melayakkan aku untuk memilih semua itu? Semua itu cuma luaran semata. Soal hati yang lebih ku utamakan. Kalau aku selesa dengannya, gembira bersamanya, untuk apa persoalkan fizikal? Kalau soal hati sudah memadai, soal fizikal cumalah satu bonus.

Lepas isu tersebut, isu lain pula yang dibangkitkan. Ya, memang aku pernah rapat dengan seorang kawannya. Kami banyak berkongsi tentang hati dan perasaan kerana kami ditinggalkan pada waktu yang hampir sama. Kami saling menguatkan sesama sendiri. Tetapi itu semua sebelum aku mengenali dia. Kami sudah tidak berhubung antara satu sama lain sejak aku mengenali dia. Malah sebelum aku mengenal dia pun aku telah pun memutuskan untuk tidak berhubung dengan kawannya kerana kawannya telah pun kembali kepada teman wanitanya.

Usai kisah itu, kisah  lain pula dibangkitkan. Setiap kali aku menaikturun gambar ku dengannya di laman sosial, aku akan terlebih dahulu meminta izinnya tetapi seringkali aku akan terpaksa membuang gambar tersebut setelah aku menaikturunnya. Mengapa? Kerana kawan-kawannya akan 'screenshot' gambar-gambar tersebut dan menjadikannya bahan dalam 'whatsapp' group mereka. Dia malu. Dia kurang selesa. Bukan aku ingin menunjuk-nunjuk bahagia ku. Tetapi apa salahnya kalau aku menaikturun dua tiga gambar kami bersama? Apa yang ingin dimalukan? Bagi aku, lelaki yang betul-betul mahukan aku sepatutnya bangga untuk memberitahu dunia tentang aku, dan bukannya cuba untuk menyorokkan hubungan kami berdua. Malah pernah sekali kami keluar berdua, dia ragu-ragu untuk masuk ke KFC bersamaku hanya kerana dia terlihat kawan-kawannya ada di dalam. Kalau malu, kenapa bersama?Akhirnya aku tewas. Aku tidak mampu untuk mengangkat bagasinya seorang diri. Itu bagasinya. Aku datang untuk menolongnya mengangkat bagasinya, bukan untuk aku mengangkatnya seorang diri.

Itu kisah bagasinya. Bagaimana pula dengan aku? Seperti dia dan banyak lagi yang lain, aku turut mempunyai bagasi ku sendiri. Apa pula isi bagasi ku? Bagasi ku berisi bekas teman lelaki ku. Meski sudah berpisah dengannya hampir dua tahun, aku tidak dapat nafikan bahawa masih ada sisa-sisa sayang yang masih berbaki dalam lubuk hati ini. Hatiku masih berdegup kencang bila aku mendengar nama ex ku disebut. Tanganku menjadi sejuk apabila aku terlihat kelibat ex ku. Aku masih menangis bila kadangkala teringat tentang memori kami berdua. Tetapi aku tetap mencuba. Aku tidak mahu kisah lepas menganggu kisah ku hari ini. Dan aku sangat-sangat bersyukur kerana dia memahamiku. Dia memberikan ku masa. Dia menolongku mengangkat bagasi yang memang sangat berat untuk ku pikul seorang diri. Dan bagasi itu menjadi ringan. Kenapa? Sebab aku dan dia mengangkatnya bersama.

Tetapi hari ini akhirnya hubungan terputus jua. Kerana bagasinya semata-mata. Mungkin salahku kerana terlalu cepat berputus asa untuk mengangkat bagasi tersebut. Tetapi mengapa dia tidak mahu mengangkatnya bersama ku? Kenapa dia membiarkan ku mengangkat bagasinya seorang diri? Air mata mengalir diawal pagi apabila menerima mesej darinya mengatakan bahawa perpisahan ini dia relakan. Aku pasrah. Baru 34 hari bersama dan semua hal ini telah terjadi. Mungkin sebab kami terburu-buru untuk bersama tanpa cuba mengenali hati budi masing-masing terlebih dahulu. Aku genggam jari-jemari ku erat. Aku risau tertuding jari. Kerana perpisahan ini bukan salah sesiapa. Cuma mungkin dia masih muda dan aku pula masih belum bersedia untuk bercinta lagi.

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Arhhhhhh really feel like writing a novel! I should really start writing one and hand it in to a publisher. Who knows, that is my call? :)

Girlfriend vs Friends?

I believe this conflict has troubled most of the people that are in love relationships. Unless you are in relationship with your best friend, then this won't be a problem for you. But if you fell for somebody that is not in your circle of friends at first, it is gonna be difficult. No joke. Why? Because then your friends and your girlfriend will start to fight over your time. Your friends will start saying things like, "since you have a girlfriend, you spent less time with us" and your girlfriend be like, "you keep spending time with your friends and leaving me alone". No matter how hard you try to balance your time to make sure both parties are satisfied, you can still hear those accusation. In the end, you feel stressed out. You are in dilemma. Who to choose?

Other than that, being in a relationship with someone out of your circle of friends also means that you 'need' to win your friends' approval. Why? Because if they don't like her, they'll talk shit about her. At first, you'll be like '"no, they won't be able to influence me" but listening to those bullshits from time to time annoys you and in the end you'll be affected no matter how hard you try to deny it. Again, you're in dilemma. Who to choose?

See, in the first case, time management is important. However, some immature people will still can't take it. Like your friends? They want all of you. They want all the attention. They don't want to share. They don't want to grow up. To see you with someone else means a big step for you - you're growing up. They are scared. They are afraid. Because they haven't found the one. Only by the time they have found the one, then only they will be able to see why. What about your immature girlfriend? Again, she wants all of you. She wants all of your attention. She doesn't want to share. Not because she doesn't want to grow up but because she is afraid of losing you. See, a good girlfriend will let you have your time with your friends. However, you shouldn't take advantage of it. If she lets you spend your time with your friends, then you should stay with her. Because she understands your needs. Your needs to do stupid things with your so-called friends.

Meanwhile in the second case, sometimes your friends are being protective. They do not want you to get hurt. So whatever stories they heard about your girl from others, they tell you straightaway. They want you to know what's happening. They do not want you to be fooled. However, sometimes that is not always the case. Sometimes they are jealous. You are in a relationship, at last! And they are still searching! And the girl you are dating is someone out of your league? They'll be like 'WHATTTTTT??' ahahahaha.. but that is not always the case as well. They are usually jealous because you spend more time with her than with them. So they started to talk about your girl as if they have known your girl forever. As if they are the experts about your girl's life. As if they know everything about your girl. Truth is, sometimes your friends are right but sometimes they are not either. Here, you have to really rely on yourself. To scrutinize what's best for you. To seek the truth in your heart. Or sometimes to find someone (most preferably a stranger - someone who does not know your friends or your girl) and ask for his/her opinions. Sometimes wise words come from strangers.

Who to choose? It's all up to  you to decide. Choose what's best for you and then stand firm. Do not hesitate. Because you know what your heart wants.

Playgirl?

Based on yourdictionary. com , playgirl is defined as a woman who engages in casual sex and seeks pleasure in life. It is also a magazine that has the same concept as Playboy magazine - except that it shows pictures of nude men instead of nude women. Basically, playgirl has always been a negative noun or adjective in human dictionary. Now why do I bring up this topic? Because I found out that I am labeled as a playgirl by people around me.

See, playgirls here means girls who play with men's heart deliberately. It's like they have a boyfriend and they still want another; either for fun or to get more attention. And also they change boyfriends every now and then. So am I a playgirl?

See, I never intend to play with anybody's heart because I, too, was played for many times. I know how hurtful it is to be played. It's just that maybe my personality causes people to think that I am into them. Yes, I am cheerful. Yes, I am friendly, Yes, I smile to almost everyone I meet. But that does not mean I'm flirting with you. When people are kind to me, why should not I be kind to them back? But of course once those men express their feelings towards me, I will turn them down immediately if I have no feelings towards them. That's for sure. Because I don't want to hurt them more later so I make sure to let them feel down now.

Changing boyfriends every now and then? To be honest, I have to say this; I have no luck in love relationships. I don't know what is wrong with me but I always failed in my love relationships. I've been hurt so many times, been cheated, been wronged, and I just don't know what to do. The longest relationship I've ever had was only for 3 years. You see, if possible I want to fall in love once and let it be my last too. Like a fairy tale. I don't want to feel hurt. Tell me who wants to be hurt? It's just not my luck. Some people fall in love once and live happily ever after. Some people got married after two broken relationships. Some people couldn't even find the one. You're lucky if you found the one straight away. Me? I'm just unlucky enough.

Tapi entahlah. Sudah namanya manusia. Kita nda akan dapat menutup mulut diorang. Pasti ada ja salah di mata mereka. Lumrah manusia berakal pendek; bila tiada boyfriend, dikata memilih. Bila ada boyfriend, dikata terdesak. Bila boyfriend tiada rupa, dikata tidak sesuai. Bila boyfriend ada rupa, dikata nakkan yang hensem ja. Bila boyfriend kaya, dikata nakkan duit. Bila boyfriend tiada apa-apa, ditanya macam mana nak makan? Nampak kah permainannya disitu? Mulut orang mana boleh tutup. Tutup telinga sendiri, sudah la. Aku sendiri sudah lama belajar pasal benda ni. Cuma kali ini aku nda tahan bila dengar hal ni dari kawan sendiri dan orang yang aku sayang. Apa nda cukupkah diorang kenal aku? Mungkin sebab aku nda pernah menangis depan diorang bila hati aku disakiti. Mungkin sebab aku tunjukkan senyuman manisku didepan diorang walau hati menangis. Mungkin sebab aku menyibukkan diri kerana mau hati melupa sengsara buat seketika. Ya la, luka ditangan boleh dilihat. Luka dihati? Tuhan saja yang tau.

Ya, aku terkilan bila orang yang aku sayang dan aku anggap kawan cakap dengan aku, "janganlah kau dengan dia, kau cuma akan menyakitkan hati dia", "betulkah kau mau sama dia atau cuma bermain-main?, "nda akan lama kau dengan dia, percayalah. Aku kenal kau". Sakit. Terasa. Pedih. Aku robot kah? Nda punya perasaan? Makin lama aku rasa makin lemah. Serius. Aku perlu sokongan. Terkadang, hati terfikir. Adakah kegagalan dalam percintaan ku ni disebabkan oleh keputusan ku untuk meninggalkan orang yang aku cinta dua tahun lepas? Kalau ya, then aku redha. Sebab memang salah aku. Aku pilih untuk bersama keluarga instead of staying with him. Sebab aku belum ready mau tinggalkan family aku untuk orang yang baru ku kenal selama tiga tahun. Mungkin aku sudah terlepas satu-satunya cinta yang ditakdirkan untuk aku. Mungkin itulah sebabnya aku terus gagal. Mungkin? Tapi mungkin juga sebab aku masih muda. Aku masih belum bertemu 'the one'. Mungkin.

Cuma satu yang aku pinta. Percayalah aku. I want to love and be loved too. I never meant to hurt anyone. Tepuk dada, tanya selera. Kalau masih mau anggap aku suka mempermainkan hati orang, then terpulang. The cold never bothered me anyway.

P/s: Read my post about the men I dated and you'll understand better. Click here; How I Met Your Father.

The Past is Deep.

Everybody has their own past. Some past worth to be rewound while some felt like they should be deleted. Same goes with mine. Some past makes me really feel like deleting them from my memory while some past keeps rewinding in my head. Though there were good and bad memories, I have never regretted any of them. Why? Because they taught me lessons in life. I learned a lot from those bittersweet memories. Truthfully, I am not a person that regret easily. For me everything has its own purpose. They were there for reasons we might not be able to explain. I believe that in the end it will reveal its purpose for being right where it is. But not one thing. This very thing was the only thing that I have the most regret in life. Well, the only regret, I believe. That is; to walk away from my relationship with Yuan. I should have fought for us. I should have stayed.

I have tried my very best to put this behind me since the day we both decided to walk away from our relationship. Until last two nights - when I was asked, "will you be with him again if he asks you to be with him now?" Pheww! That was a killing question! What am I supposed to answer? How am I supposed to answer to that? Like, seriously. After the breakup, I was lost. Twice suicide attempt. Sat in front of the TV, cried all by myself. Drank beer alone. Stayed home. I even stupidly accepted a stranger's proposal. Because at that time, for me, my life has ended. That was it. Up until today, my heart still beats faster just by hearing his name. Or looking at his back. Or when I hear his voice. Though we only knew each other for five years and got together for just a couple of years, it was enough for a common girl like me. So what answer am I supposed to give to that question? Will I be with him again if he asks me to be with him now?

Today, I re-read his blog. The last post in his blog was last year July, a very brief post about a quote by a famous Malaysian Ustaz, "Berhati-hati memilih hati seseorang. Jangan sampai mencintai seseorang yang akhirnya akan melukai hati kita. (be careful in looking for somebody to love, do not love somebody that will one day hurt you.)". Maybe that was the moment he has finally moved on and found somebody to love. Reading his old posts hurts me a lot. I have hurt him so much that I will never get back together with him. He is a great man and he deserves someone who would not hurt him as much as I did. So do you have your answer now? You see, love is not all about having that someone. It means that you care about that person's happiness more than your own. If they are happier without you, why stay? Let them go.

2015

It's been long since I last blogged. Wow. And this is my first post in 2015. See, I rarely use my netbook if I am not in college studying or in school teaching. Without my ntbook, I won't be able to write any post. Using my iPhone is just not satisfying for me. Ahahaha

Anyway, last year, my life was just a total mess. Especially when my brother-in-law passed away. To be honest, he was the closest to me to compare to my other brother-in-laws. He made jokes a lot. He laughed a lot. He gave lots and lots of advice to me. It's like when I said I was going back, he will plan to party with our friends. We were friends even before he got to know my sister. So once he passed away, our whole family became lost. Such a huge impact. The loss was extremely difficult to be accepted. Imagine my sister. They were together since she was 15 and now she's 25. They were married for two years and their baby was just 3 months, the day he left - 30th of Nov 2014. Last Christmas was the first Christmas that all of us actually celebrated at home together. Trying our best to give support to each other, especially to my sister. I couldn't even handle a breakup. I just can't imagine if I was the one who were standing in her shoes at this very moment.

Too be honest, after my bro-in-law passed away, I somehow felt more alive than ever. It's like I'm living for the very first time in life. I appreciate life more and worry less (I don't know how long this will last) but everyday looks so beautiful now. Whatever I feel like doing, I'll just do it right at that moment. Why? Because there is no promise for tomorrow. I don't even know whether I'll be able to open my eyes tomorrow. Well every cloud has a silver lining, ey?

So live life, love life, people. :)