Life as a barista!

So, in my mission of keeping myself busy, I added one more into my schedule; barista! At first I doubt that it was a good decision. I mean, I am already busy. Will I be able to cope up with it? But being me (as usual), a girl who always challenge herself (ahahaha), I decided to give it a try. So it's been a week now and I'm loving it!

You see, I'm a Starbucks customer. So working in Starbucks actually gives me more chance to try a lot of different drinks. It offers me a chance to find my favorite one. I don't take coffee so the only drinks I have ever ordered in Starbucks are Chocolate Cream Chip and Green Tea Cream. However, when I started working in Starbucks, I have already tried the same drinks with different syrups and mixture (like bananas) ahahaha also Tiramisu, Coffees and Teas. Some of it taste weird but some of it just blow my mind! Meanwhile for food, I only order lasagna as a customer. But once I started working in Starbucks, I get to try the pastry, cakes, pancakes, fuhhhh they taste goooooooood... 

Another good thing about being a partner in Starbucks (working with them) is that I got a 30% discount for every food, beverages and merchandise in Starbucks. You see, as a regular in Starbucks, this discount is important. Ahahaha now it feels like I can't leave Starbucks anymore! How can I leave with the 30% discount given?? Ahahaha

Now let's move on to the other partners (other workers) in Starbucks. It's just been a week but it felt like I have known them in forever. They are very kind and friendly! But of course, when it comes to working with women, there will always be that kind of small argument. Yes, I am a lady but I have to agree on this. Women always talk about each other. I don't know is it because of jealousy or what but it happens. I'm not saying I'm totally different but I don't like talking about others much. I'd prefer talking about the problem I have with the other one face-to-face, unless if I don't even want to talk to that person. Ahahaha so same goes to the partners in this Starbucks. Since most of us are women, I can hear this person talks about another person and it goes on and on. But surprisingly, they laugh together while working that you almost felt like the hatred was never there! I was surprised like shit! How can they even do that? Ahahaha if it were for me, I just don't talk to that person anymore. I mean, why would I talk about a person behind his/her back but keep talking to her as if nothing ever happened? That's so fucking weird.. ahahaha so yeah, that's the only thing I don't quite like about working there. But I guess I have to accept it because that's how women work? Sigh..

While working in Starbucks, I met this two siblings who are pretty and just charming. They have that genuine smiles when they greet the customers and they are able to talk to customers as if they have known the customers in forever. So I got to know from them that they did not come from a well-to-do family. They have 5 siblings and their father has already passed away. They have to forget about their studies now and focus about making money. I seriously feel bad for them. I mean they're younger than me but they work so hard to support the family and me? I just work because I have too much time for myself. I needed to go out, socialise and be tired, to be able to sleep well at night. I didn't even have enough money for myself. It makes me feel bad about myself. They are younger but they are already supporting their family while me, older than them but still need my family to support me financially. Can you imagine that? I need to work harder.

I have really experienced a lot in just a week working in Starbucks. They don't just teach me how to make beverages, taste coffee, prepare food, they also teach me about life. Appreciating every single person in life. To help one another. These experiences will never be forgotten, that's for sure :)

P/s: Do follow my instagram (lydrielyn_koh) to check out my pics with my Starbucks partners or you can just look #starbuckstambun to check out how fun being a partner in Starbucks!

Ice Bucket Challenge

Have I done it? No. Will I do it? Maybe. Have I donated? Yes.

Now, why wouldn't I, a very active, adventurous, up-to-challenges lady won't do this small challenge? Simply because this challenge has gone so far from its real points which are; to donate money and to raise awareness. It is now mostly (not all) about having fun. About telling the world that you can do it. About telling everybody that you are not left out. To jump on the bandswagon.

Sometimes I got mad when I see those kids do the challenge because it looks more like they are making fun of the people who suffer from ALS. It's like telling, 'hey, I'm pouring the ice on me to feel what you feel but I'm only feeling it for fun, but you have to feel that for the rest of your life'. However, some videos made by some individuals are very meaningful. When they explain about the disease briefly and talk about the donation, the challenge became much more meaningful. It touches me.

Anyway, guys, don't just donate because of this challenge. If you have extra, you can always donate for others (home, medical, etc.) even if they do not come up with any challenge. Even if they do not offer you popularity like this Ice Bucket Challenge did. It will make you feel better. I assure you. Also, if you have done this challenge, please don't take my post to heart. I mean, if you do it with the right intention, why would you be offended with what I write, right? Ahahahaha

Have a nice day, people!

Demanding?

It all started when ... chewahhhh. Sounded like the beginning of a fairy tale. Ahahaha okay, let's get back to the story. A few days ago, I went out with a friend of mine for supper. Then all of a sudden, he asked me what happened between me and my ex. For me, my usual answer is 'we didn't suit each other', 'we don't understand each other' or 'God has better plans for us'. But for him, that answer was just not enough. So he insisted to hear the reason. The 'real reason' according to him. He wanted the details. He wanted to know. So I said, 'I expected too much, I think'. Then he said 'I know what's the problem. You're too demanding'.

Whatdafak?? Ahahahaha

Okay, for me, the things I asked were simple. I just wanted to be cared about. To be loved. I want to feel those feelings. I mean, what's the point of being in a relationship if you don't feel the love or care? Better off alone, no? So when he said I was being too demanding, I was stunned. I thought to myself, was I?

Then a few days after, another person gave another point of view. He said, if someone really loves someone, he/she will go extra miles because it is nothing to compare to her/his love towards that someone. I had to agree on that. I'm the kind of person who will do anything for my love. Even if it means losing something, you know? It's what we call sacrifice. That's love. So if you're not ready to sacrifice for someone, that means you just don't love them enough. And love, it isn't necessarily for your only spouse. It is for everyone. It is for your neighbour, your friends and even for strangers.

In a love relationship, especially, if you're not ready to sacrifice, then you're not ready to have a life partner. And of course both parties have to do the same. I mean, it's give and take, no? However, it is also all about communication skill - to discuss what's best for each other. And back to my past relationship, I guess the main problem was miscommunication.

Just another one more piece of advice to the women out there. If someone says you're too demanding, don't be down. That just means you are a class of your own. Being alone doesn't mean you are lonely. You don't have to lower your expectation just because the men are too lazy to go for extra miles for you. Those men? They settle for cheap girls. So don't give a damn. Waitttttt, this piece of advice sounded more like it's for me. Ahahahahaha I was talking to myself, actually. :D

YouTube videos!

I have actually made some covers for songs on YouTube since last April. I wasn't that active to compare to the other YouTubers. For now, I only have about five videos by myself while the rest were uploaded by others when I performed somewhere else. So I'd like to share with all of you my songs cover.

This is my first cover. 'The Cup Song', by Anna Kendricks.

This is my second cover. An Indonesian song. I changed the lyrics to reply to the male singer. :)

Singing with my friends and family.

A few more but I don't know why can't I link it here. So if you wanna view the rest, you can just type my name - Lala Koh on the YouTube search and you will find me. Do leave your comments, okay? ^^

Adventure!

I have not been able to fill my life with adventurous things recently. My life was not dull, but not adventurous either. After being single again, I decided to fill my life with more adventurous things like I used to. As I told earlier in my previous entries, I registered myself for Ipoh Cycling Fun Ride which the total of distance for the two-days event is 90 kilometers. Maybe for some it is not adventurous. But for me, IT IS. Why? Because I don't cycle much. The last time I cycled was a year ago, and even that was not a serious one. I just cycled to go to work. It was only 10 kilometers per day. So this fun ride is huge. It's my first time cycling with other cyclists and for a long distance. Can I make it? I'm anxious yet excited. Ahahahaha

The next adventurous thing I'm going to do is travel to another country. I wanted to travel last year so I made my passport but never got the chance to. Since I have a week holiday on September, I decided to go to Krabi with my cousin. We are flying to Krabi from Kuala Lumpur and go back from Hat Yai by train. This is my first time travelling to another country so, YES, it is adventurous for me. It is just a relaxing trip because we are just going to chill at the beach and maybe some shopping at Hat Yai. Hope that everything's gonna be alright! Finger crossed!

Now, this one is another big adventurous thing for me. Ahahahaha I have climbed Mount Kinabalu before, about 9 years ago. Around that time, selfie was not that popular, or even taking pics. Maybe for you it is, but not for me. So there was only one pic of me at the peak of Mt Kinabalu and I don't even know where the hell is my climbing certificate. Some of my families did not have the chance to climb the mountain so we planned to go all together. The more, the merrier right? However, due to the time constraint, the plan did not go well since last year. So I decided to handle the planning since everybody else is busy (as if I have nothing to do). I mean, somebody has to step up to make this thing works. If we keep on waiting for each other to do something, then it will only be like waiting for money to fall down from the sky to me. So yesterday I made some calls and in the end found someone who can arrange it for me. However, I was told that the booking for next year has not opened yet but she will inform me as soon as the booking is made available. I told her the date I wanted and I felt relieved because now I know that we'll be climbing next year. However, I am not a patient woman, if you must know. If I want something, I want it straight away. Ahahahaha I know that is not a good trait but I have to admit, it's one of my weaknesses but sometimes it can be my strength too. Then I asked the lady if there is any empty slots for this year. Surprisingly, there is! She said she can't fit a large group but a single slot is possible. I didn't waste my chance and I said yes right there, right then! Ahahaha now don't get me wrong. I didn't ditch my families. I'll be climbing this Dec as well as next year June. Amazing right?? Ahahaha then she told me that turned out there are another two empty slots so I asked my younger sis and younger bro to come along and they, of course, are excited to join too! Can't wait for these amazing things to happen! :D

Desperado.

After the breakup (again this topic. Sorry, peeps ahahaha), there were lots of attention given to me especially from the guys. At first, I was honored. Ahahaha  I mean, I have already forgotten that feeling of being flirted much because honestly, I don't usually stay single for long, and I AM NOT PROUD of that. After posting a lot of sad statuses regarding relationships on Facebook, it only took a few days after the breakup for the guys to take the hints that I am single and they started to get into the line. Like I said, at first I was honored. However, after a few days, I was annoyed. I mean, do I look that desperate to look for a relationship? Please. I also need time for myself. Facebook, Instagram, WeChat, Whatsapp, SMS, phone call - all means of communication were used to reach me. I felt so stressed out. It's like I don't have time for myself. When I don't reply, they'll keep haunting me with messages by messages until I reply. Can you believe that? Okay, I'm not trying to boast here. I'm not saying I'm pretty or cute or anything. It's just that I know very well. A girl with a broken heart usually means one thing for guys; they thought this girl is weak so it's gonna be easy for them to do anything to this girl. So listen out girls, we don't need men to stand up. All we need is time to heal and when the right time comes, the right man will appear. Don't rush. That's what I did in my previous relationships and look where has it gotten me? You better trust me.

And also I am not ready to be in relationships yet. Especially a serious one. I don't want to be hurt or hurt anyone else. I've had enough. My dad also likes to remind me every now and then; to not start any relationship until I have my own career. Ahahaha it's funny though. This is the first time in my whole life that he calls a lot. Before this, he'll be like calling me maybe once a month or every other months, but lately it was more frequently. Maybe he knows how affected I was with my recent breakup and he wants to make sure his baby girl will not be hurt badly like she is right now. There's always a silver lining in every cloud, ey?

I remembered the last time I came back home single, the aunts were so excited to introduce their sons and nephews and cousins and uncles to me. To the extent that one of them called my dad to ask whether it is possible to just arrange a marriage between me and her son. Can you believe that? Ahahaha so this time I don't think I should go back early to my hometown for my end of sem break. I'll find something else to do and got back to my hometown right before Christmas. However, this is just my early plans. I told my dad about it and he wasn't that keen of that. Of course, what father will be? He keeps telling me to go back soon and I keep telling him to come down here instead. Ahahahaha don't judge me. I miss him too. If possible I want to be with him all the time. I even followed him to work sometimes! Ahahaha and the people who work with him will talk a lot about how he talked a lot about me. Though most of the things I find embarrassing, I also felt happy because that means he thought a lot about me though we didn't talk much. I remembered sending him letters every now and then. Maybe I should send him another one soon. :)

I remembered last time when I had a huge fight with my sisters, my dad was the one who comforted me (all he did was listened to my cry actually but it was more than enough). I remembered when he called me and said, 'I know I shouldn't say this but out of all my daughters, I love you the most'. I remembered when we sat down drinking and talked about life. I remembered how he criticized me in front of me but complimented me in front of others. I am proud of having a father like him. He accepts my flaws, believes in me, has faith on me, he is just my everything. In the past, I believe, among all of his children I was the one with so much trouble (maybe even until now) and I hated him (because I never understood his love), we even argued once to the extent that I ignored him for almost half a year (I was terrible), but now I am the closest with him and I treasure our relationship. I love you, Mr Koh Eng Chuan. :)

A Dream to Remember.

Haven't had any dreams lately, especially regarding my ex-fiance. Well, I am not someone who dream a lot. Usually my sleep is only accompanied by blank, black vision. So, when I dream, about something or anything, I can usually remember well and think a lot about it. Ahahaha (like those dreams I shared in my previous entries)

So only a few mins ago I was taking my nap when I dreamt about getting back together with my ex-fiance. Odd enough, we were on the phone talking like usual but still it was quite awkward because we sounded like we're trying to do it. It didn't sound natural, you see. But I was happy. I mean, at least we tried. Then, I asked him what was he doing? He said he was watching a movie but when I asked with who, he was silent for a little while and started mumbling. You see, while we were together back then, he cheated me twice. The first one was the first few months when we were together. I was taking care of him because he was badly injured after his game to the extent that he almost couldn't walk. I bathed him, helped him to walk, prepared him meal so that he didn't have to go out, cleaned up his room- all of that while I was having my exam. Then one day somebody called him up and I saw the panic in his eyes. He hid under the blanket (because he couldn't walk out to answer the fucking phone) and shush-ed me. He talked slowly and I knew right away it was a woman, calling him. After he hung up, I asked him who was on the phone. He was mumbling and I was like, it's okay. Give him some time. Then, few hours after that, I started questioning again. But this time I was not giving in. He, at last, admitted that he was seeing that girl. Okay, I am getting emotional here. Let's not go that far. All you have to know is that I was stupid and blind back then. So lets continue with the dream. Ahahahaha

So I saw the signs. The 'cheating signs'. I was so pissed and cried. He mocked me crying and said mean things to me. Again. I mean, he did that in real life and now he is doing that in my dream too? Helllll, nooooooooo!! Ahahahahaha surprisingly, I stopped crying. Usually in reality, I will hung up on him without thinking. But just now, in my dream? Before I hung up, I actually thought to myself, 'Lala, if you hung up, no more calling. No more embarassing yourself. You understand?' And only after that, I hung up and I woke up. An inspiring dream, don't you think? I'm proud of myself. Ahahahahaha

Maybe this is a sign to let go of everything. It's time to move on. It's been only a month but I was doing surprisingly well. I guess it's mainly because we both know that we are not ready for marriage. Or maybe I am mature enough to handle breakup? Ahahaha Mature sangattttt :D

Breakup

Okay, I know I talked about breakup a lot lately. Please, don't be annoyed. It's just that I didn't know who else to talk to about this. Why? Because I know they are bored listening to this too. And their responses were all gonna be like, 'oh, you'll find another', 'don't be sad', 'any guy who dumped you are a total moron', 'you should not even be in a serious relationship for a start', in short - all the things said just to make me feel better. You see, sometimes you just want to be heard. Not to be given some common advice.

Anyway, this recent breakup is actually kind of big and different to me. Why? Because we were actually engaged! It was not official yet because we tried looking for the date but both parents knew and we have bought the ring for the engagement. We bought an apartment. We threw a housewarming party. We made loan for our future. We prepared almost everything. And when you're engaged, and you're a woman, you planned for the wedding as well. So being a typical woman, I planned for the wedding too. I have checked out the wedding dresses, I knew what I want, I went to some bridal shops, picked a few wedding invitation cards, picked the wedding theme, visit some places for the wedding to be organized, analyze budget, sign up for wedding websites, downloaded apps for wedding planning, just name it - I'll have it. I didn't do it alone. Most of the decisions were made by both of us. I mean we're the one who were getting married. So can you imagine how big it was? Yes, it was huge.I can say that we were ready, not just for the wedding, but for our future as well. So we thought we were ready for everything; physically, financially, spiritually.. and little did we know, we are not emotionally ready for each other, for our marriage.

So now you see? How this breakup is different from my other breakups? But after all the storm, I can actually see the light now. I mean, I've taken too much responsibility for my age. For fuck's sake, I worked and looked for every opportunities I can to earn money when I was always told to relax and focus on my study. We (my ex-fiance and I) bought an apartment in which we agreed he will settle the deposit and few other stuff while I'll settle monthly payment and maintenance, when being a student I shouldn't even think of owning an apartment. I refuse to take money from my parents wherever possible, when I can just ask anytime I want. I need to take a break. I need to let go of some responsibilities that I shouldn't take in the first place. I need to act like my real age. I need to stop growing up for a while. I have been a grown up lady since Form 4, taking responsibilities into my own hand. It's not time to be responsible, YET. So can you see what I see? I see freedom! AHAHAHAHA so that's the light for me.

I remembered when I told people around I am engaged, people keep telling me that I am still young, that I should enjoy the world, that I should enjoy my single moment, that I should see what other options do I have, that it is not that time yet. But I always ignored them by saying the sooner I got married, the more time I will have to spend with my spouse. Well, I guess this time I was wrong. They were right. Another light for me. :)

However, if any of you guys are thinking of getting married around my age (early 20's), don't listen to me or anybody else. Listen to what your heart has to say. I never said it is wrong to get married in such an early age. It just that it didn't work for me. What didn't work for me might work for you. Okay?

Just a quote for the day:
Some things need to fall apart to make ways for better things. (Zoey, How I Met Your Mother - Season 6, Episode 17)

Trust

Have you had your driving license? Do you notice the changes in you before and after you know how to drive? You might have a lot of answers for that but I assure you, the one that I’m about to tell you is going to blow your mind.

Remember when you were young? When you’re just six or seven years old? When you had to be accompanied by your parents everywhere you went? At that time, you did not know the direction to go somewhere nor did you know how to drive. All you knew is to sit down and trust your father. Whether he drove fast or slow, he was using another way or not, he was talking on the phone or not, you just sat down quietly. Why? Because you trusted your father. You knew how much he loves you and that you will be safe as long as he is around. What about today? After you know how to drive? Be honest. Have you ever told your dad to slow down the car? Or drive faster? Or go a little bit to the left? And a little bit to the right? Or brake earlier? Or use another way? I believe all of us have done at least one that I have mentioned. Why? Because we already know how to drive and we thought we know everything. Suddenly, we do not trust other drivers anymore. We do not trust our dads anymore.

You see, that is what happened to us today. As we grow up, we started to have doubts in God. We thought we know better. When we were young, we have never questioned Him. We trusted him because we know wherever ways He took us and whatever ways He did it; He did it for the best of us. However, as we experience the things around us, we suddenly thought we know better. We ignore His love, His way and His judgment. We started to doubt. When we ask something from Him, we ask ourselves, ‘Is He listening?’, ‘does He care?’, ‘why is my life like this?’ and even ask, ‘is there God?’. When we ask something from Him, we forgotten that He does listen and He does care. He might take a longer ride with you, a different road than the one you expected. It is just simply, maybe, it is not the right time to give us what we want, or He has something else better than the one we asked. He always has a better plan for us. All we need to do is to trust Him.

So if today you feel down and think that nobody is there for you, remember this; God is there and has always been there for you. Be strong because “He hears your prayer, He feels your pain and He knows you try so hard to overcome this endless fight. Just don’t give up” (Jayesslee, Failure in Disguise).

Post-breakup Activities

After a breakup, most people will do a lot of stuff just to forget about it whenever possible. Some try to look for a new person to fill that hole in, some start new habit, some just broke down and cried, some stay home, some can't stand to be home, some spend their time with their friends, some just want to be left alone, in short; most of us just try to do something, keep ourselves busy to make sure we will not think about the breakup much because it hurts a lot. However, some just continue their old routine as if nothing ever happened. What about me? Well, I have to say that I fall into the first category.

I try to make myself tired so that I will not think about the breakup during the day and will be able to sleep at night. I planned my future activities in order to keep my mind busy thinking of what should be done next and determining what my goals are.

For these two months, I don't actually have to plan anything to keep myself busy because I am already busy teaching the kids in school. However, like usual, things keep coming to me and what I usually do? I just say yes! Ahahaha so for a one week holiday starting this coming weekend, I will be busy working at McDonald because my manager called and asked if I could lend a hand. Of course I said yes! Because I'll be able to keep myself busy and get money from that. Ahahaha in fact, I'll start my practical (have to practice my skill in working there because it's been almost a year after I quit) tomorrowwwww! Can you believe that? Ahahaha

Then, the next holiday will be on September. I will most probably go for a cycling (fun ride) in Taiping and Ipoh, Perak. It is a two-days event and I am just waiting for my other two friends to confirm. Once they have confirmed, we will register our names straight away and I can't wait for that! To be honest, this is gonna be my first time cycling that far (if I could make it to the end) because the total kilometers I'll be cycling is 90km! Ahahahaha On the first day, it will be at Taiping (35km) and the second day will be at Ipoh (55km). When I first told my friends about this idea, one of them actually said, 'you're crying in your room just because you've had a rough breakup? Bitch please, I go out and cycle like mad because I've had a rough breakup. Lala's logic'. AHAHAHAHAHA anyway, if there's any one of you who are interested to join this event, you can just click on this link and check it out. The registration has just opened last few days. :) - http://www.mica.com.my/

After that, I will have another few days to spare. I was thinking of having a vacation in an island but then I will start thinking a lot as well as I'll be spending my time all alone. Wanted to go for shopping but is boring. So, any ideas what should I do?

Then, come the lonnnggggggg holidayyyyy starting late November until early January. I actually thought of joining my French friend, to Iran, for some volunteering programs but the ticket is so damn expensive! If you're reading this, Yogo, I am very sorry. Huhu then I asked around, and a friend from India said there is a volunteering program in India (Mother Teresa Mission Charity) but he said he couldn't join me as he is going to be busy with exam around that time, and he wouldn't let me do it alone just because he thinks it is dangerous. Sigh.. I hate you, Shamin. And I am sorry if you're reading this. Ahahahaha so I thought of volunteering in Cambodia. Too bad, right now they are not taking any volunteers. Then my friend said I should help out his mom to handle some charity programs in Sabah. I was like, okay, that sounds good. However, his mom attends the same church with my ex's family, and I don't think it is a good idea to be involved that much with his family right now. I mean, how can I forget if I keep seeing them? That's one of the reason I didn't want to go back my hometown that soon for my year-end holiday anyway. You know what, I just can't believe how much trouble do I have to go through just to volunteer! Ahahaha so now I thought I'll just find some volunteer programs around Malaysia because I'm more familiar with my own country and plus I should put my country first when it comes to volunteering what. Right?

So that's about now. Just a reminder to everyone who just had their breakups, "some things need to fall apart to make way for better things" (Zoey from How I Met Your Mother). :)

How I Met Your Father

Dayyymmmmmmnnnnnnnn (say it in a two-syllable damn) !! Haven't updated this blog in like forever! I knew that but I only realized that after I received an email from my French friend asking when am I going to update about what's happening in my life because he has not met me in a while. So yeah, I'm here.

Let's get back to the post's title. I bet you've watched How I Met Your Mother before. It is about how relationships come and go for Ted, the main character, before he actually met the mother of his children. So this post is another version of it, where I'll be the main character. (Well, I am the writer, anyway. Ahahahaha) Before I start, I'd like to remind you that this post is gonna be long and talks about breakups (mostly). Maybe to some, breakups are okay, but still most of us find it rather depressing, devastating and all the negative adjectives that can be found to describe breakups. For me breakups suck but not until I realized that others actually thought I am ALWAYS doing great after a breakup. Well, you guys are totally wrong. Now here's the story:

My friends and I were talking casually when they suddenly talked about breakups. About how they broke down so terribly it was so difficult for them to stand back on their own feet. Then one of them looked at me and asked, "I bet you have never experienced this". I was like, WHAAATTTTTTTT?? That was an extremely blunt accusation! And I totally couldn't accept it! Ahahaha you see, I am a woman and I have a very soft heart. I get angry and upset very fast especially when it comes to the day of the month. I am ridiculously sensitive especially to people that I love. So, you see. I am as normal as a woman can be.

So let me tell you about my breakups experiences. The first one; when I was 13 years old. Now, don't judge me. Yes, I was involved in love relationships at a very young age. Since he was my first boyfriend, I thought I was so madly in love. Mind you, when I was at that age, I didn't know how to dress up. I wore boys' shorts, I tied all my hair to the back (without any styles) and I was nothing. So my boyfriend at that time maybe wanted something more so he cheated on me. Twice. With the same girl. Take that! Ahahahaha I was so frustrated that I started to look at myself at the mirror. I thought, 'hey that girl needs a change in appearance'. So I did. I started wearing short denims, skirts, dresses, even 4-inch heels! And it paid well. My boyfriend came back to me saying how sorry he was and that he wanted to get back together but you see, the power was in my hand. So though I still had so much feelings for him, my ego put away all those feelings right there right then and I proudly said NO. You thought it was easy? No, I actually cried each time I hear our songs on the radio until I was 16. YES, it was that difficult.

Now, to the second breakups. It was a long-distance relationship so it was kind of difficult. It got even more difficult when we contacted each other less. We met each other like once a year and he only replied my text message (in average) once a week. Imagine calling. He wouldn't even bother calling me. But I was blind. So I waited. Up until one time, a friend made me realize how stupid I was that at last, I broke up with him. We actually broke up a few times but he successfully talked to me that I'd agree to stay with him. Those first few breakups made me cry like a baby but the last breakup? I actually felt relieved because I knew that was so gonna be the last one we'll ever be together. Can you see how every breakups made me stronger? Also, smarter? Ahahahaha

Next we go on to the third one. He was a charm. He took care of me. He was like a prince to me though he has a dark skin. Ahahaha not being racist here, but in the fairy tales, the princes always have fair skin! So I almost thought that he was the one (I was only 17 back then), until I saw he was texting a girl he always claimed as his childhood friend (saying it in a way that he is not even a single bit interested in her) and they were talking about how they had a 'good time' in the car 'last night' (you know what I mean). I was so upset! I mean who wouldn't right? So I broke up with him and suddenly he pointed out all weaknesses that I had to the extent that I was the one who felt wrong back then. To think about it now, I was so easily manipulated. Stupid. No, it's more like MORON. How did I deal with the breakup? I drank in front of my TV alone (I was living alone back then), I started smoking and I stopped focusing on my studies. Yes, that's how terrible my life was after the breakup.

Then, came an angel. Ahahahaha he stepped into my life when he saw how broken I was. He got me back to my own two feet and before I knew it, I was already flying. He was like the perfect man ever invented by God and this time I have to tell you that I was wrong. You see, after all the reasons that had caused my breakups before, I started to look at men as worthless human being. For me, all of them are just the same. So, I didn't appreciate them much. All they know is to hurt others. But boy was I wrong. This guy was so perfect and I just blew him away like that. He did his best to win me and I was in love. But it was just too scary to fall in love again. I remembered that time when he was busy preparing for his exam. It was important because he needed to pass the exam to be in the medics. He is crazy about being a doctor. It's like he had planned it much earlier. Wait. It was us. We planned it that way because I wanted to be a pharmacist and have my own pharmacy. That was the dream we created. The plan we wanted to have. However, as time went by, I realized that having a diploma in pharmacy won't take me anywhere especially when I was studying in a government sector. Then, education course offered me a degree. I hesitated but because of the degree, I thought 'well, that should be good. I mean good salary, secured job. What the hell, right?'. Andddd there came the problem. We drifted apart as our goal changed. I started to doubt him due to our long-distance relationship. It was difficult because I didn't understand our different schedule anymore. I slept early, went to class on working hours, an exam per semester but his was totally different. He went to bed like early mornings, went to class (even at night) and it's like he just had exam every week! So these differences in lifestyles had actually caused me to doubt him. I started to ask myself, is he really studying till late at night? Is he really having a class at night? Is he really having exams every week that he was so busy studying? Those questions killed me everyday. Also, due to my past relationships, I started to become phobia. Most of them cheated on me so it was difficult to really really put my trust on men. Sighhh.. we argued almost everyday till one day I just couldn't take it anymore so we broke up. But the last thing he said to me was so heartbreaking that I will always remember it to this day. He said, "sweetheart, I'm sorry I work too hard for our future". It's sad, isn't it? I was being selfish.

Let's move on to the next relationship. Well, this one is rather different. Why? Because we didn't break up just because we chose to. We broke up because we had to. We couldn't be together. You see, if you are following my blog, you'll know that in my country, a Muslim cannot get married with a non-Muslim. One of them has to convert. And in my case, usually the non-Muslims are the one who have to convert. So when I meet this guy, it is almost like in the movies. We were from different states, met in a small island. We studied in a college together until a month later I was offered another course and so I left. Eventually, he moved too because he was also offered another better course. We did contact each other after that. Almost everyday, every night. Until again, I was offered another course. I was so excited because it was the same course as his. So, I texted him and you know what happened next? Turned out we were going to study at the same college again! Wasn't that magical? I mean we knew each other at an island that both of us were not familiar with. Then, we met again in a state none of us know of. The magic didn't end there. I then continued my study at his college. However, he suddenly started to ignore me. We didn't talk to each other. It's like he was so 'busy' after I reached, when before this he had always got his time for me. I knew I wasn't his girlfriend but still he can treat me like his best friend. I mean we were. We were so close back in our previous college to the extent that people thought we were dating (actually, I was hoping the same too). Ahahahaha I felt so betrayed, I was so mad and I said to myself, 'hell no, no one is going to hurt Lala ever again'. So I stopped contacting him for like a year until the magic appeared once again. I was on a holiday with my girlfriend in Cameron Highland when I accidentally bumped into him in the middle of the road. I was walking on the pavement with my girlfriend, when he was driving with his friends. I didn't know how but we just saw each other. Later that night he called me and asked whether we can meet up. So we met up and talked about nothing and everything. He explained about his awkwardness towards the beginning and blah blah blah. We actually talked until we could see the sunlight. It was seriously like a dream to me. It was wonderful. It actually made me wonder, were we made for each other? I mean, who wouldn't think that way? It's like God created a pathway so that we will keep bumping at each other. So we were sooooo madly in love until one day I made a terrible mistake. I invited him to my sister's wedding. My family got to know that I was in a relationship with a Muslim guy and I was asked, straight away, to leave him. I was so frustrated. But what can I do? I love my God and I love my family. I was condemned, blackmailed and all the negative verbs were done to me. I asked him if he wants to convert to my religion but he insisted me to convert to his instead. We got into a huge argument and in the end we just decided to let go. It was the toughest decision I have ever made. I cried myself to bed everyday on that particular month we broke up, I watched our movie that we had made for each other with all the pics we collected since 3 years before, I drank beer whenever I was left alone (which is almost everytime), and in the end I even decided to suicide (not only decided, I actually tried but I was a coward I tried to save myself in the end). Did you see how bad I handle breakups? I may look strong to you but I am just exactly like you guys. I may look happy to you because you haven't seen me in my room trying to end my life. I have to admit. No matter how hard-headed a girl I seem to look, I am still a weak girl, that needs a man to hold me strong (which always, in my case, is my father).

Getting bored, ey? Well, this one gonna be the last breakup I'm gonna share with you. So sit up straight. Ahahahaha this guy? I had never imagined to be with someone like him. Why?
1. He is a guy in a uniform (for me people who work in army, airforce, navy, police, are all could not be trusted. Well, I have plenty of reasons which I'll go to that later)
2. He works in West Malaysia (I've been wanting to work in rural areas back in my own state, to serve my people)
3. A very strong government supporter (I am more to the opposition)
4. Humble isn't something he lives up to (he compliments himself more than he compliments others. Well maybe it's good but I live in humility and being humble is my way of life)
5. He uses high tone/pitch when he talks to the family (it made me into thinking, how is he going to be the head of the family if he is going to shout at everybody?)

But my aunt set us up as she thought we were best for each other. You know, the concept of Yin and Yang. So we tried. At first it was awkward. I mean we barely knew each other. But then, surprisingly it got better quite fast. Our parents arranged us to get married as soon as possible, and before I know it, we already bought our engagement rings, own a car as well as an apartment! We were a practical couple. We did things for our future and it was so perfect! I was happy, he was happy, but little did we realize, we were focusing too much in making our future so perfect that we forgot we need to live our present life first in order to grab the future. So when we started focusing on our future, we stopped living in the present. There was not much of memorable dates or that cheesy romantic dinner. It was all about plans and plans and plans about our future. When we go out it'll be talking of which paint to buy for the apartment, what to put in the kitchen, what kind of sofa to be in the living room, do we need TV or not. These things became more important than having our time together. Then, his father started to interfere. Of course, having a good relationship with your father is good. But to the extent that you share all the things that only a couple should share is too much. It was frustrating. I mean, why want to talk to others when you can just say it to each other? Though in movies they always portray that girls talk about their boyfriends' weaknesses all the time, it doesn't happen in reality. We only brag about our boyfriends. We don't talk much about our problems because it should be private. So slowly, we began to argue more and more. Oh and another thing, both of us didn't say out loud about what we felt towards each other. That was another problem. We kept it to ourselves and tried giving hints as if our partner is a mind-reader. This became another problem. All of these things, at last, went to the surface and killed the relationship. I'd prefer to admit that I was wrong because I was such an arse and everybody told me so. I tried talking to him, which was the first time for me. I mean, I have never talked a guy into getting back together with me. For me, what's gone is gone. I don't look back anymore. But this time, I tried. Twice. And he wouldn't listen so I guess that was the end of it. We broke up (more to he broke up with me) and to compare to my previous breakup, I accepted it more openheartedly. Maybe because the previous one, there was nothing we could do to be together even if we love each other so much. But this one? We can actually work on it together but he chose not to. So it was a decision that he made and after trying to change his decision twice, I guess God just has a better plan for me. Of course I was still affected with the breakup. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat much (I lost 3 kgs in just a week) and I kept myself home whenever possible. It was tough.

Now, kids. Wondering how I met your father? Keep on wondering because the story is gonna be long. I'm still young and I guess there will be more to come. So, wait for another episode. Ahahahahaha