For the first time after a month, my dad actually said something about my argument with my sister. Today morning as he dropped me off to school, he asked me to apologize. I was quite hurt. I mean he knows what I have been through with her, those arguments before this that I have let her pass, semua yang aku sudah maafkan ad pretended like it didn't happen and those yang aku maafkan though I myself was already so broken inside. So the only thing I was able to say was no. I told him I am hurt enough, I am broken enough, and I am not going to apologize anymore for things that I have done no wrong. She has never take me as one of her sisters. I was left alone for so many times. I have been patient for so many years. I won't take this no more. No more negativity in my life. I'd rather spend my days alone loving myself than spend my days with everybody else, unloved.
She might have forgotten the day she left me the night before Christmas. She might have forgotten that I was invited to our friend's party last time. She might have forgotten that I worked my ass off to get all the things I have. She might have forgotten that I was left hanging and abandoned by my fiance. And I have no intention to remind her all that. Yet, she condemned me as if I was the worst person on earth. I have never asks her money nor have I done any damage in her life. So I owe her nothing. I know she's been through a difficult life ever since her husband passed away. And I was there for her, didn't I? Trying my best to help her in everything she needs. But she's been treating me this way years before and now that it's getting worse, I just can't take it anymore.
But I love my dad. I love him. Truly. He is always there to listen to my cry. I heard his voice cracking when he replied to my no, 'aku tau. Tapi ni bukan apa yang I taught all my daughters. Minta maaf sja la sama dia..'. Dad, I know you pity her sebab she is a single mother now. But being in a tough situation doesn't give anyone the right to bitch around. Sigh.. this is just difficult. Don't worry dad, a few more days more and I'll go. Sebab aku, she won't come to any family party. Sebab aku, mom is not sleeping in the house at night anymore. Sebab aku, it's difficult for my parents to see their granddaughter. So no worries. I'll leave. Just give me a few days more to complete my fucking semester. You see, 'it is far better to endure patiently a smart which nobody feels but yourself, than to commit a hasty action whose evil consequences will extend to all connected with you' (Charlotte Bronte, 1847). It is really true. I mean, kalau kepergian aku boleh bagi diorang semua kelegaan, then aku rela sakit sendiri. I love my dad too much to make him feel bad about all this. She needs my family more. She is alone. Me? I am already used to being independent. So no worries about me.
Sudah la, malas sudah aku fikir. Last last aku juga mengalah kan. Hahaha trep trep ja kunun kuat, nda mau mengalah first first tapi in the end mengalah juga. Lari juga. So me. Haha
Thursday, November 5, 2015
Wednesday, November 4, 2015
Hiking across the country!
Yesterday, while chatting with my cousin, I found out that he needed a get away too. So I took the chance to propose to him about the idea of backpacking around the states in West Malaysia. He wasn't just keen of hearing it, he even proposed a better idea! He said, instead of traveling aimlessly, why not find hills and mountains to hike and climb? I was like, damn, why didn't I think of that?? Hahaha
However, since we're both still are not earning anything, this travel will be an extremely low-budget one. You know, with sleeping bag and hitch-hiking. We thought that this would be a great start for us as we both have the passion in traveling and of course would like to travel around the world one day. So why not try to experience backpacking in our own country first? So today we are already starting writing all the mountains and hills that we'd like to visit in West Malaysia and the directions to go there. We are planning to start our journey from Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia (as our flight is directly to Kuala Lumpur), then slowly moving to up north (Perak, Penang, Kedah, Perlis) afterwards make a turn to South (Kelantan, Terengganu,Pahang, Johor) then comes back to Kuala Lumpur (through Malacca, Negeri Sembilan and Selangor).
While doing my research on the places we'd like to visit, I found out that there are so many beautiful places in Malaysia that I have never heard of and this excites me! I mean, 23 years living in Malaysia but I feel like I know nothing about it. I can't wait for this journey to start. Well, if any of you are interested in joining us, do contact me! The more, the merrier! :)
However, since we're both still are not earning anything, this travel will be an extremely low-budget one. You know, with sleeping bag and hitch-hiking. We thought that this would be a great start for us as we both have the passion in traveling and of course would like to travel around the world one day. So why not try to experience backpacking in our own country first? So today we are already starting writing all the mountains and hills that we'd like to visit in West Malaysia and the directions to go there. We are planning to start our journey from Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia (as our flight is directly to Kuala Lumpur), then slowly moving to up north (Perak, Penang, Kedah, Perlis) afterwards make a turn to South (Kelantan, Terengganu,Pahang, Johor) then comes back to Kuala Lumpur (through Malacca, Negeri Sembilan and Selangor).
While doing my research on the places we'd like to visit, I found out that there are so many beautiful places in Malaysia that I have never heard of and this excites me! I mean, 23 years living in Malaysia but I feel like I know nothing about it. I can't wait for this journey to start. Well, if any of you are interested in joining us, do contact me! The more, the merrier! :)
Thursday, October 29, 2015
Heartless.
To be honest, sometimes most of the time, I really hope that I don't have a heart that cares. Especially in school. You know how sad it is to not be appreciated? Like you tried your best to come up with activities just to make them learn, or buy more and more gifts so that they'll be interested in participating in the classroom? I mean, I don't get anything from this. I don't have any salary yet and my teaching is not even evaluated. So truthfully, I can just go to the classroom, let them do what they want and I can just do whatever I feel like to.
Too bad, I can't.
It's like everyday I enter the classroom, there will be almost no attention given by the pupils. Well, maybe for a short while but then trust me, give them 3 minutes and I'm already in the zoo. I guess I am just not patient enough. Seriously, how can I continue being a primary school teacher if this is continuing? I have been patient for one whole month and today I snapped. Sigh. Again, the problem is not with the kids. It's just that I can't control my anger. Should I really seek help? Hahaha
But really, looking at some teachers who could not care less of their pupils, I really hope that I can be like one of them. I mean, that way I will stress less and be happier, ya know? I don't have to crack my head just to think of fun activities to be conducted in the classroom, I don't have to use my own fucking pocket money just to motivate the kids extrinsically, I'll have a good time on my own - reading novels while having hot choco. Sounds more fun, no? Hahaha
Too bad, I can't.
It's like everyday I enter the classroom, there will be almost no attention given by the pupils. Well, maybe for a short while but then trust me, give them 3 minutes and I'm already in the zoo. I guess I am just not patient enough. Seriously, how can I continue being a primary school teacher if this is continuing? I have been patient for one whole month and today I snapped. Sigh. Again, the problem is not with the kids. It's just that I can't control my anger. Should I really seek help? Hahaha
But really, looking at some teachers who could not care less of their pupils, I really hope that I can be like one of them. I mean, that way I will stress less and be happier, ya know? I don't have to crack my head just to think of fun activities to be conducted in the classroom, I don't have to use my own fucking pocket money just to motivate the kids extrinsically, I'll have a good time on my own - reading novels while having hot choco. Sounds more fun, no? Hahaha
Wednesday, October 21, 2015
Maths?
I was so into Mathematics when I was in secondary school. I love counting. It's like I was born to calculate. Hahaha but growing up, I realized I hated counting. Why? Because the more I count, the more I noticed that I have only a few friends and families that I can count on. I don't blame them. I never do. Because the problem is with me. I was the one who hoped too much when I know I shouldn't. Living as almost a fully independent lady for 23 years, I knew very well that the only person that I can depend on is me, myself and I. However as much as I wanted to be that independent, I keep hoping that someone will come and share those pains.
The worst part of being the 'strongest' is that nobody really asks whether you are okay or not. Nobody realizes your tears behind your smiles. Nobody checks on you when you are sitting quietly in your room. Nobody notices when was your last meal. Nobody. Because everybody know you will do great. Little did they realize, you are only human. Human who has feelings of your own, who can be terribly hurt as well. Now, tell yourself this, cukup-cukuplah kesiankan diri ko tu. Stand up straight and walk on. Pick yourself up. In the end of the day, you'll see you can do much better alone anyway. Hahaha
Aku pun ndatau apa benda aku merepek tengah malam ni. Esok kena bangun awal pagi and it's already 12.30 in the morning. Been having sleepless nights lately. Hate it to the max. Knowing me, you'll know that I sleep 12 hours a day. And I get depressed when I don't have enough. Hahaha I wish all of you a good night. Hope I can have better sleep tonight.
"Funny when you're dead and how people start listening."
The worst part of being the 'strongest' is that nobody really asks whether you are okay or not. Nobody realizes your tears behind your smiles. Nobody checks on you when you are sitting quietly in your room. Nobody notices when was your last meal. Nobody. Because everybody know you will do great. Little did they realize, you are only human. Human who has feelings of your own, who can be terribly hurt as well. Now, tell yourself this, cukup-cukuplah kesiankan diri ko tu. Stand up straight and walk on. Pick yourself up. In the end of the day, you'll see you can do much better alone anyway. Hahaha
Aku pun ndatau apa benda aku merepek tengah malam ni. Esok kena bangun awal pagi and it's already 12.30 in the morning. Been having sleepless nights lately. Hate it to the max. Knowing me, you'll know that I sleep 12 hours a day. And I get depressed when I don't have enough. Hahaha I wish all of you a good night. Hope I can have better sleep tonight.
"Funny when you're dead and how people start listening."
Tuesday, October 20, 2015
Mangasok.
What is mangasok? It is a Dusun word for seeding, particularly paddy. I spent my last weekend at my uncle's mangasok. It was my first experience and though it was tiring, I had real fun. That weekend, I did not only learn mangasok but I also learnt a lot about life.
While I was complaining, countless of time, about how difficult and terrible my life was, I realized others have even tougher life. I heard my uncle talked about the land they have been living since they were kids is going to be taken away by some heartless companies. He said no one wanted to help them and they just don't know what else to do. They were also told that court order will be out very soon. Uncle cakap lagi, dia bukan mau defend tanah dia ja, tapi tanah orang kampung lain juga. The problem is orang kampung lain takut sebab the lawyer told them that it is better for them to give up their land now as they will be given a sum of money to replace the land (not that much) but it is (kononnya) better than to have nothing later on.
You see, orang kampung have been living all their life there. Too bad, diorang tiada geran. So it is so difficult to win this case (based on my personal opinion). Tapi uncle cakap, tanah tu sudah diberikan sejak selepas penjajahan British lagi dan hak diorang tidak patut diambil so they are trying to fight over it. However, this doesn't sound that strong (to me, at least). Diorang cakap, the saddest part was even the politician yang sepatutnya tolong diorang (as the people have voted him) pun nda mau tolong. He said he can't do anything. But the funny part was, the politician was seen on the newspapers 'trying to help orang Lahad Datu to save their land'. Aunt aku memang marah. Ya la, orang kampung sendiri nda mau tolong, tapi rajin pula p sampai Lahad Datu 'tolong orang'. Choiiiiii!! Orang memang macamni. I've learnt about this since forever. Yang bukan family punya semangat mau tolong, yang family dibiar kelaparan. Sama seperti our own country. Pelarian dari negara luar dibagi pekerjaan, rakyat sendiri jadi apa? Sigh..
Anyway on that weekend, I also learnt about family. Turned out, my uncle and his siblings had an argument before this. So my uncle apologized publicly to all of them and said that his ego was the cause of all that has happened. I automatically remembered about the argument I had with my sister. At that time, I knew I had to make it right by meeting her face to face. Tapi kita cuma merancang kan? Back at home, I heard another story. Turned out, all my other sisters knew about our argument and most of them despised me. They were upset. So in the story, I was wrong. In every way. Terus patah hati buat ke sekian kalinya. Right then, I knew, I really had to leave. It's not an option, it's a must. I mean, obviously, they didn't want me here. They are not comfortable with my presence so why bother? I'm looking for every reason to stay and they are giving me every reason to leave. I love them and looking at them torn apart between me and her (actually nda pun, diorang mmg closer with her), I just can't. Every night my mom will be sleeping at her's and my dad will be sleeping with my younger bro. Like, what have I done to the family? Sigh, time please fly. I can't stand it anymore. The guilt for destroying my own family is far too great.
While I was complaining, countless of time, about how difficult and terrible my life was, I realized others have even tougher life. I heard my uncle talked about the land they have been living since they were kids is going to be taken away by some heartless companies. He said no one wanted to help them and they just don't know what else to do. They were also told that court order will be out very soon. Uncle cakap lagi, dia bukan mau defend tanah dia ja, tapi tanah orang kampung lain juga. The problem is orang kampung lain takut sebab the lawyer told them that it is better for them to give up their land now as they will be given a sum of money to replace the land (not that much) but it is (kononnya) better than to have nothing later on.
You see, orang kampung have been living all their life there. Too bad, diorang tiada geran. So it is so difficult to win this case (based on my personal opinion). Tapi uncle cakap, tanah tu sudah diberikan sejak selepas penjajahan British lagi dan hak diorang tidak patut diambil so they are trying to fight over it. However, this doesn't sound that strong (to me, at least). Diorang cakap, the saddest part was even the politician yang sepatutnya tolong diorang (as the people have voted him) pun nda mau tolong. He said he can't do anything. But the funny part was, the politician was seen on the newspapers 'trying to help orang Lahad Datu to save their land'. Aunt aku memang marah. Ya la, orang kampung sendiri nda mau tolong, tapi rajin pula p sampai Lahad Datu 'tolong orang'. Choiiiiii!! Orang memang macamni. I've learnt about this since forever. Yang bukan family punya semangat mau tolong, yang family dibiar kelaparan. Sama seperti our own country. Pelarian dari negara luar dibagi pekerjaan, rakyat sendiri jadi apa? Sigh..
Anyway on that weekend, I also learnt about family. Turned out, my uncle and his siblings had an argument before this. So my uncle apologized publicly to all of them and said that his ego was the cause of all that has happened. I automatically remembered about the argument I had with my sister. At that time, I knew I had to make it right by meeting her face to face. Tapi kita cuma merancang kan? Back at home, I heard another story. Turned out, all my other sisters knew about our argument and most of them despised me. They were upset. So in the story, I was wrong. In every way. Terus patah hati buat ke sekian kalinya. Right then, I knew, I really had to leave. It's not an option, it's a must. I mean, obviously, they didn't want me here. They are not comfortable with my presence so why bother? I'm looking for every reason to stay and they are giving me every reason to leave. I love them and looking at them torn apart between me and her (actually nda pun, diorang mmg closer with her), I just can't. Every night my mom will be sleeping at her's and my dad will be sleeping with my younger bro. Like, what have I done to the family? Sigh, time please fly. I can't stand it anymore. The guilt for destroying my own family is far too great.
"The sharp knife of a short life,
Well, I've just had enough time"
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