Mangasok.

What is mangasok? It is a Dusun word for seeding, particularly paddy. I spent my last weekend at my uncle's mangasok. It was my first experience and though it was tiring, I had real fun. That weekend, I did not only learn mangasok but I also learnt a lot about life.

While I was complaining, countless of time, about how difficult and terrible my life was, I realized others have even tougher life. I heard my uncle talked about the land they have been living since they were kids is going to be taken away by some heartless companies. He said no one wanted to help them and they just don't know what else to do. They were also told that court order will be out very soon. Uncle cakap lagi, dia bukan mau defend tanah dia ja, tapi tanah orang kampung lain juga. The problem is orang kampung lain takut sebab the lawyer told them that it is better for them to give up their land now as they will be given a sum of money to replace the land (not that much) but it is (kononnya) better than to have nothing later on.

You see, orang kampung have been living all their life there. Too bad, diorang tiada geran. So it is so difficult to win this case (based on my personal opinion). Tapi uncle cakap, tanah tu sudah diberikan sejak selepas penjajahan British lagi dan hak diorang tidak patut diambil so they are trying to fight over it. However, this doesn't sound that strong (to me, at least). Diorang cakap, the saddest part was even the politician yang sepatutnya tolong diorang (as the people have voted him) pun nda mau tolong. He said he can't do anything. But the funny part was, the politician was seen on the newspapers 'trying to help orang Lahad Datu to save their land'. Aunt aku memang marah. Ya la, orang kampung sendiri nda mau tolong, tapi rajin pula p sampai Lahad Datu 'tolong orang'. Choiiiiii!! Orang memang macamni. I've learnt about this since forever. Yang bukan family punya semangat mau tolong, yang family dibiar kelaparan. Sama seperti our own country. Pelarian dari negara luar dibagi pekerjaan, rakyat sendiri jadi apa? Sigh..

Anyway on that weekend, I also learnt about family. Turned out, my uncle and his siblings had an argument before this. So my uncle apologized publicly to all of them and said that his ego was the cause of all that has happened. I automatically remembered about the argument I had with my sister. At that time, I knew I had to make it right by meeting her face to face. Tapi kita cuma merancang kan? Back at home, I heard another story. Turned out, all my other sisters knew about our argument and most of them despised me. They were upset. So in the story, I was wrong. In every way. Terus patah hati buat ke sekian kalinya. Right then, I knew, I really had to leave. It's not an option, it's a must. I mean, obviously, they didn't want me here. They are not comfortable with my presence so why bother? I'm looking for every reason to stay and they are giving me every reason to leave. I love them and looking at them torn apart between me and her (actually nda pun, diorang mmg closer with her), I just can't. Every night my mom will be sleeping at her's and my dad will be sleeping with my younger bro. Like, what have I done to the family? Sigh, time please fly. I can't stand it anymore. The guilt for destroying my own family is far too great.

"The sharp knife of a short life,

Well, I've just had enough time"

When Reality Strikes.

Being in a relationship is always about give and take. You can't let only one person giving while the other only receiving. It has to be from both sides. Especially when it comes to a couple that are both from different culture, different upbringing. The challenges are far greater. The 'give and take' situations are far more extreme than the couples who are from the same circle, same culture, same faith and same upbringing.

I, have always wanted to have a family of my own. I believe all of us do. But the difference is that I wanted a family that consists of different cultures. Intermarriage. I myself is a product of mix marriage and though I find it difficult as I can't find that one group of which I can be really accepted for who I am, I still find it great as I can socialize well with everybody. It's like I always have something to talk to with others and there is always something new to be learnt. Like I can go to my Chinese friends and start talking about the Chinese culture that we practice at home and those that we don't, or drinking traditional Kadazan drinks with my fellow Sabahans, and even sharing recipes with my Filipino friends. With a bit of blood from here and there, I get to learn many things as a start. Not to mention about my curiosity that I also started to learn other languages and cultures as well. So I see the advantages there and I want to have that in my family as well. But you see, it is never easy. To find someone who is looking for the same thing like you do. Damn, it's difficult. That's why, I guess, all of my ex-boyfriends are of different races though most of them share the same culture as mine since we are all Malaysians.

However, as mentioned earlier, relationship is about give and take. So recently another argument arises in my relationship. He, being someone who is of a different race, finds it very difficult to accept my culture though I have already sacrificed a lot from my side. It is so dissapointing because it seemed that he is trying to change me into someone that completely practices his culture when I myself have my own culture that I wish to preserve. If I were to sacrifice a lot, of course I still hope to keep at least a little bit of my culture as my identity. However, he could not understand this part and I can't expect him to understand as well. I mean, maybe we wanted different thing, and I just can't force him to want the same thing like I do.

Sigh.. Looking for a companion for a lifetime isn't easy. Sometimes you just feel like you found the one but as time goes you realized that it's not happening. Sad, isn't it? Last-last, terpaksa juga cari orang sendiri. Sebab diorang ja akan faham cara hidup kita, cara kita dibesarkan. Nda payah pening pasal give and take. Hmm..

Masa.

Sebelum ni aku rasa masa berlalu telampau laju. Macam buka mata ja, weekend sudah. Buka lagi, another weekend. Tapi since the argument, the time felt like moving too slowly. Dengan days yang I had to watch my mom rush to her house at night to accompany her at home, and then rush back home in the morning because my mom needs to get ready to work. It kills me everyday. You know, the feeling like you are the cancer. You kill everybody else. You know that feeling? Sigh..

Paid off all of my debts that I had before I came back and I left almost nothing in my pocket. Well, as the saying goes, 'jangan malu ketika kelihatan miskin. Malulah ketika berpura-pura kaya' so I don't mind having no money in my pocket if that means I owe people nothing.

Sudah la, penat mau pikir. Masalah dunia, mana pandai selesai. Yang penting, di mana kedudukan ku bulan depan?..

Lala Koh - Assalamualaikum

Another cover song from us. I love this song because it talks about how Malaysia really is. I mean, we've heard too much lies about '1 Malaysia'. Everybody is shouting it out loud but are we really practicing it? The lyrics touched me deeply.



However, as expected, there were a few negative responses from others. Some of the non-Muslims were not happy with me singing a song with Arabic words because they say it's Muslims'. I beg you please, open up your mind. Language does not have anything to do with your faith. I have learnt Arabic for 6 years and it is simply a language. Does learning Chinese, then, make you a Buddhist? Or a Hindu? Or a Christian? No. You are what you believe.



Anyway, listen to the song and tell me what you think about me. There were a few errors made towards the end of my singing though. Too excited while singing. Hahaha



Enjoy!

Moved Out.

Came back home, I didn't see her car there. So I asked my dad, where is she? My dad didn't even look at me and he replied, 'ndatau la apa masalah. She moved out today morning'. So I replied, 'oh, sebab kami gaduh'. Based on daddy punya muka, I knew, she told him what happened. I just don't know how far she's telling the truth.

I mean, benda semua ni, pasal what I have written in my previous entry was actually happening since the last few years. Cuma it exploded last Saturday. I just couldn't handled it anymore. She's been talking behind my back to my mom whenever I wasn't around and I knew this from my other sisters. Cuma aku malas mau cakap. Aku letak tepi ja. But on that Saturday, I just exploded.

I went to the kitchen and my mom was there and even she didn't look at me. I remembered when we had our first huge argument last two years, we argued because she left me at Sandakan when she promised to go back together with me. She went back, told my mom that she went back alone because I didn't want to go back, when in fact I wanted to go back but she asked me to stay for a while. I was so pissed. I mean how could you leave your sis the day before Christmas Eve, all alone? Expecting me to celebrate Christmas Eve all by myself? Honestly, I guess that's why Christmas means nothing to me anymore since that year. So I wonder, what did she tell our parents this time? Aku malaslah mau kasi clear the air. Kalau diorang mau tau dari mulutku sendiri, they'll ask. If not, then I won't bother either.

So she moved out with her baby. I bet my parents are crazily worried about her because then she'll be living alone with her baby. Sigh. Each time I came back home, I'll argue with her or with my younger sis. I really don't feel belong here. I mean they were a happy family without me these past few years. They never had any problem. So I guess the problem is just with me. Sebab I'm not always home so they are already too used to it. Sabarlah semua, habis ja benda intern ni di Sabah, I'll go. I mean, what's the point of being 'home' if you don't feel like 'home'?. What's the point of being here when no one wants you here? Seriously. Aku, prinsip hidup aku senang. Kalau hidup menyusahkan orang, then don't bother living. Sebab aku, my parents didn't get to see their granddaughter. Sabar ya, nanti aku chow. Dua bulan ja lagi.